1. She set herself on fire after losing her baby.

“I have spent time inside a few different psychiatric facilities. I met a lot of interesting folks. Many years ago, there was a lady with horrific burns scars. From her head down her entire body. She was chronically depressed. She was very badly disfigured. She was just the sweetest person ever. Always a kind word for anyone and happy to listen. I bugged one of the nurses to tell me why she was covered in burns. I was told she set herself on fire after losing her baby.”

—GandalfThaGhey

2. He said he talked to the voices inside his head because they were his only friends.

“When I was doing psych clerkship as a med student, there was a schizophrenic patient with the usual signs: auditory hallucinations, disheveled appearance, no expression on his face.

He admitted to voices talking to him. The resident I was shadowing, asked him what the voices say to him, and he refused to answer that question. Then she informed him that they can give him some medications to make the voices go away, and he immediately rebuked that option (mind you, still displaying no expression on his face the whole time). When the resident asked him ‘Why?,’ he replied, ‘They are my only friends.’

That hit hard.”

—ThisWasAWasteOfTime

3. Kid was completely dissociative. Would randomly just start screaming asking his mother to stop hitting him.

“Kid that was completely dissociative. Would randomly just start screaming asking his mother to stop hitting him. He was pretty low functioning so it was really hard to process. He would look at me and tell me how she beat him with chains and belts. The doctor believed that the young man felt like he was in safe environment for the first time in his life and his mind was allowing him to re-remember past trauma.”

—jgoods77

4. She wanted to be a better wife and mother…even though she had no husband or children.

“In a day treatment facility I volunteered for, I led a writing group to help people develop goals and motivation to continue in treatment. One woman gave really strong and compelling answers about wanting to improve her health to be a better wife and mother (have the energy to run around and play with her kids, etc.).

Several weeks after beginning the group, I mention this to another therapist, who informs me this woman has no husband or children, and never has.”

—theYoungLurks

5. Nine-year-old child calmly and purposefully drowned a toddler because the toddler’s mother had refused to allow the nine-year-old to have another lollipop.

“Child psych, acute inpatient.

Nine-year-old child who calmly and purposefully drowned a toddler because the toddler’s mother had refused to allow the nine-year-old to have another lollipop.

There was no spark of anything in that 9-year-old’s eyes. No life, no humanity. It was stark-cold terrifying.”

—JaydeRaven

6. My worst was a 4-year-old with extensive physical and sexual abuse. Social services found her tied to a tree. She did not meet any typical milestones and would grunt to communicate.

“I worked as an RN in an inpatient psych unit. We admitted any age (youngest was 2) and would have some violent individuals with minimal staffing. My worst was a 4-year-old with extensive physical and sexual abuse. Social services found her tied to a tree. She did not meet any typical milestones and would grunt to communicate. I left three times during the admission process to choke back tears. It was the beginning of the end for my career working in psych. I had the thickest skin and could tolerate the toughest of situations. I couldn’t take how an individual could corrupt something so innocent.”

—OiCu8ONE2

8. At home, he had beat up the family cat to the point of its bones breaking because he liked the sounds the cat made. He had raped a younger sister with some of his toys. He was five.

“I’ve worked at a psych unit for teens/children for a couple years. I think the scariest for me personally was a five-year-old we had. He was well behaved and actually really cute. At home, he had beat up the family cat to the point of its bones breaking because he liked the sounds the cat made. He had raped a younger sister with some of his toys. He is the youngest I’ve ever encountered with sociopathic tendencies :(”

—09cjones1

9. He kept babbling in Spanish about demons coming to get him.

“I had a kid once that kept freaking out during the night shift. He was from South America and kept babbling in Spanish about demons coming to get him, and I barely understand Spanish so there wasn’t much I could do to calm him down.

He abruptly stopped screaming and went dead silent with huge eyes… looking directly at something behind me. I turned around and there was nothing there but he kept staring anyway.

I didn’t get much sleep after that shift.”

—Badloss

10. She was so suicidal and distraught that she was biting chunks out of her own shoulder.

“I worked on a juvenile psych unit. I had to put a girl in restraints that included her head because she was so suicidal and distraught that she was biting chunks out of her own shoulder.

Maybe three years later I took a bus to interview for a graduate psych program. When I switched buses, a nicely dressed girl asked me if I was from Colorado. I said ‘yes.’ Then she asked me if I worked on a psych unit. It was her, all better. We chatted for a while and I told her how happy I was to see her doing so well. She smiled, thanked me, and we said our goodbyes.”

—omnichronos

11. The look of sheer terror in his face and the shaky voice have stuck with me.

“Young man who was suffering from drug induced psychosis. He had smoked some spice and was taken to out hospital with involuntary status. He stayed for over a month with no signs of remission. He covered the entire spectrum of psychotic behaviors during his stay but the worst was when he would pop into reality for a moment. The look of sheer terror in his face and the shaky voice have stuck with me. His family broke down during visitation and only his father could manage weekly visits afterwards. Chemically induced psychosis, from my experience, is game over most of the time. I’ve seen a few people recover to a degree but never fully. Don’t fuck with spice.”

—MrMcScruffles

12. He had in a way started to assume the identity of his little sister and he considered the girls in the pictures he cut out his friends.

“I worked in the dental clinic of a psychiatric hospital for a bit and I’ll never forget a patient named Terry. Terry loved to wear little girls’ clothing and would have pictures of little girls that he had cut out of magazines on a string around his neck. When I first encountered him I automatically made the assumption that he was some sort of pedophile. I later learned from the dentist I had worked with that Terry had witnessed his little sister being brutally raped and murdered by their stepfather when they were children. He had in a way started to assume the identity of his little sister and he considered the girls in the pictures he cut out his friends. I felt horrible for jumping to conclusions, especially after I got to know him more and saw what a gentle, kind soul he was.”

—sweepingpines

13. The very definition of hell.

“Had a dementia patient, among other things I imagine, but I was just the nursing assistant. I don’t get much for patient histories just whether they can walk unassisted or poo on their own.

She was a very kind sweet old lady. She thought of herself as a young mother, so she carried a doll with her, wrapped in a blanket. She was even allowed a baby bed and every night she would tuck her baby in beside her bed. Then she would talk about the baby growing inside her belly. She would go on very coherently about her pregnancy and her child. She had me believing she lived in this sweet fantasy land that was set on repeat.

But it would all abruptly end and start over once her baby was due and there was no new baby. She would mope for about a month, super depressed, not eating, nonstop crying she could not be consoled, she’d get fairly violent…then it would start over, she’d just wake up one morning and as happy as could be, ‘Did you hear the great news!? I’m going to have another baby!’

One night she got all tucked in and forgot to tuck her baby in. I noticed and said, ‘I can tuck Susan in for the night’ and reached in to get her baby. The woman throat punched me hard. I dropped the baby doll when I fell over gasping for air. She then started to lose it as she was trying to further assault me, yelling at me about driving too fast and destroying everything she loved.

Once the dust settled it was shared with me that she was pregnant once upon a time, and she already had a 1 year old. The husband and the 1 year old got in an accident on the way to the hospital, they both died. She was so distraught over it she gave the newborn up for adoption. That’s why her delusions start over after the due date and she is so mad in between. I imagine some residual guilt/anger for her loss is what cause her to throat punch me for taking her doll.

When I first started working there I just thought she was some fun old delusional lady. I never expected the delusions to have back stories. It’s heartbreaking…Dementia seems horrifying enough when its described as ‘being confused, or losing your mind,’ but it seems so much worse when it’s, ‘repeat your worst life experience over and over until you die.’…To constantly be stuck in the time leading up to your most traumatic experience and reliving it over and over…the very definition of hell in my opinion.”

—Penetrative

14. A butt-naked little old lady tried to corner me while swinging a commode at me.

“Not specifically at a psychiatric ward but had a patient at the hospital with severe dementia. I had gotten her up and out of the bed to the bedside commode (bedside toilet) and while trying to get her back in bed she demanded I get my hands off of her, she took a step back away from me, ripped off her gown and was completely naked, grabbed the commode and started attempting to swing it at me while accusing me of making racial slurs towards her. I had to end up calling the charge nurse who proceeded to call security. Well, about a minute later security comes running in the room and busts out laughing as he seems a butt-naked little old lady trying to corner me while swinging a commode at me.”

—Fopom1

15. He had been raped by his father and was going to go back to live with him in a camper by the lake.

“I was in a juvenile psych unit. A 16-year-old kid was in for molesting his 3-year-old sister. He was court ordered to be there for a period of time. I found out that he was raped by his father. I asked him where he would be going after release (because he couldn’t go back into his home with his sister). He told me his father had found a camper and put it at a lake and he would be living there until he graduated.

Yes, the same father that raped him.

His head was so fucked.”

—toethumbrn

16. She witnessed her mother’s brutal murder at age 4…the things she would scream when actively psychotic were truly some of the saddest, most terrible things I have ever heard.

“This schizophrenic woman whose psychosis had the real-life origin of Dexter the TV character.

She witnessed her mother’s brutal murder at age 4 and was not found for almost a week. The things she would scream when actively psychotic were truly some of the saddest, most terrible things I have ever heard.

She could be pretty lucid on good days, and had a real affinity for flowers. One of the things she most liked to do was take a cab to town when all the staff was distracted making lunch, buy a bunch of flowers, take the cab back and waltz back into her suite carrying an insane (literally) amount of daisies and shit. By then we would be frantically looking for her, and suddenly an angry cabby shows up ranting about payment. She was pretty fantastic.”

—Aggressivecleaning

17. Told us about their marriage with Jesus, how their 250 grandkids are doing, why we were getting fired, and then yelling at themselves for firing us.

“Working at a psychiatric hospital at the moment. Honestly, it depends on the day. What’s interesting to me is how someone is fine the next day but will stand up randomly and shout ‘I need my kitty titties!’ the next. One that was consistently troubled was a patient with hallucinations and schizophrenia. Told us about their marriage with Jesus, how their 250 grandkids are doing, why we were getting fired and then yelling at themselves for firing us.”

—alurkerwhomannedup

18. Had a patient try to cut their tongue out. They almost succeeded.

“Had a patient try to cut their tongue out. They almost succeeded.

Had another patient who cycled through almost 100 foster homes in their youth.

I have seen violence and gore. I’ve seen severe delusions. Worked with refugees. The one that sticks with me the most is the patient who was married to their spouse for over 60 years. The spouse was supportive during all mental health crises. The spouse cheated after 60 years of marriage, leaving the patient homeless and heartbroken.”

—-Hownowbrowncow

19. Totally vacant staring eyes, jaw hanging down with a continuous thread of dribble rolling off his bottom lip.

“Brain damage can be absolutely horrific. Broken humans that don’t work anymore and nobody knows what to do with them.

There was one guy who had brain damage from infant meningitis. The guy is about 40-50 years old now, but he’s exactly like what you might imagine a lobotomized person to look like. Totally vacant staring eyes, jaw hanging down with a continuous thread of dribble rolling off his bottom lip. Arms hanging down by his sides. And all he does is pace up and down whatever room his is in, all day and all night, until he collapses asleep after about 4-5 days sleeps 12 hours, wakes up and resumes pacing.

He wears an adult nappy/diaper because he is totally incontinent, and changing it is remarkably difficult because he won’t stop pacing even while people are trying to clean him up. He cannot eat by himself, he cannot do anything by himself, the only verbal noise/speech he produces is a loud ‘GU-GU-GU-GU-GU-GU-GU-GU’ like a propeller engine starting up.

There’s nothing there in his mind, at all. He’s a husk. He never smiles, never frowns, give no indication of any aspiration or want. That has been his entire life. He has no purpose, has required 24 hour care his entire life, and I don’t think there’s a single person who has ever worked with him that wouldn’t have gladly taken him outside and shot him in the head if they were allowed to.

Anybody opposed to euthanasia hasn’t seen real brain damage. Anyone who can’t understand why doctors give up trying to resuscitate after a certain point where irreversible brain damage has occurred have not seen real brain damage. Anyone upset about the doctors ending Charlie Gard’s life haven’t seen real brain damage. They should transport the guy I described between hospitals to show family members what the doctors are talking about when they say that a person should be allowed to die.”

—Bestfriendwatermelon

20. She ate Styrofoam cups, plastic cutlery, plates…etc.

“I did A mental health co-op in high school. I would have to say a tie exists between the two most troubling patients that I encountered while doing my co-op. One was a guy who had Korsakoff syndrome. this guy was completely delusional and dissociated from time and location; he thought at times he was at a bowling alley and at other times he thought he had just gone shopping for shoes. They had to tie him into his chair because he could sometimes become violent. a small percentage of alcoholics get Korsakoff’s. Most of them die before it sets in, but about 2% of all alcoholics will get this disorder.

The other patient was someone with severe brain damage who had to be kept locked naked in a padded cell with access to nothing she could put in her mouth because she would continually try to eat anything. She ate Styrofoam cups, plastic cutlery, plates…etc.

One full moon, and anyone who’s ever worked in a psychiatric facility knows what I’m talking about with full moons, she decided to pluck one of her eyes out with a plastic spoon she palmed from a tray on the way to the bathroom, despite her restraints and that two PRN attendants wheeled her down.

edit: forgot to mention—they found the eyeball in her stomach.”

—AtheistComic

21. He would mutilate his genitals for sexual pleasure.

“Was a nursing student at the time, and I have been a nurse for years now and this is still by far the most ‘troubled’ patient I have worked with. I was going through my weekly rotation in the psych ward when my instructor assigned me one of the few males that were admitted (I am a male so I often got the male patients). Turned out that this is still, to this day I believe, the only psych patient that have ever been flown in to our facility. He would mutilate himself for sexual pleasure. Of course, it wasn’t the cutting his arm or legs kind of mutilation. He would have to mutilate his genitals for sexual pleasure. The kicker is, this isn’t the first time he has been hospitalized for this. He lost one testicle in the 90s, attempted to cut off the other about ten years ago, and this time he tried taking the whole thing off.

When I asked him why he did it all he gave me the most sane and logical responses. He said he knows it is wrong, he knows he might be one of the only people in the world that has this issue and he realizes that taking away his genitals prevents him from forming lasting relationships. He said that since he is so isolated and there is no other way for him to get sexual gratification, he has to mutilate himself. I honestly felt horrible for him because he said he has been struggling with this since he was a kid. As far as I could tell, he was 100% normal except for the whole mutilation thing.”

—bugy67

22. Had a client shove a metal jagged end of a broomstick that he snapped in half right into his abdomen then start screaming and digging into it with his fingers.

“I worked for a number of years a residential facility, ages 6-106 and have seen it all. Most clients were diagnosed Autism, so you saw the typical self-injury and harmful to others. Most older clients had a mild to moderate disability that today you would just accept as ‘slow,’ but since they had been there for so long, the facility was their home and they didn’t want to go elsewhere. (It’s also really nice, I might add).

BUT…I saw some shit.

Had a client shove a metal jagged end of a broomstick that he snapped in half right into his abdomen then start screaming and digging into it with his fingers.

Had a child, maybe 8 years, who could’ve modeled on the front of a GAP catalog. He could be the nicest, quietest kid, or he could try and cut you with whatever was nearby and tell you that he was there because he cut his family’s dogs paws off. It was in his file. And that was not the only animal.

Another kid, completed his whole program and set to go home. We were all thrilled… he came back the following week because he stripped naked in school and threw a desk at his classmate.

Another child, maybe 6, severely burned by a family member with a blowtorch.

Had a teenage client commit suicide in a horrific manner.

Had an adult client go outside with a bat and smash a co-workers new BMW. I was actually thrilled to see that happen.

Maybe the most troubled were some of the staff, rather than the clients. You had staff who had been there for decades and truly cared about the clients. Then, you had new hires that wouldn’t last more than a year, and although I never saw anything physically abusive, I definitely had to report staff being verbally abusive to clients.”

—alohafrompenisland

23. A severe schizophrenic who was usually quiet because he spent 99% of his time being haunted by images of dead people he knew and trying to manage that.

“Guy from what appeared to be a severely repressive rural background who would randomly yell out confessions about his emotions and urges related to pedophilia/bestiality/homosexuality/incest. Would also say ‘Jesus loves you’ whenever you saw him and always had a Bible.

Guy who was usually very sweet, but couldn’t handle stress and would have episodes where he would run and smash his forehead against doors/windows until he literally had goose-eggs you could put golf balls into.

People so paranoid that you could leave a salt-shaker on a table near their room and they would think it was an assassination attempt/conspiracy to defeat them with psychological warfare.

Someone who would spend almost all their time walking in circles screaming at imaginary people. One time I heard him yell: ‘Fire every missile! Blow up the sky! Blow up the sky!’

A middle-aged man who literally had an emotional age of 6 who spent almost all his time annoying staff, throwing literal tantrums, or manipulating people to cause fights.

A severe schizophrenic who was usually quiet because he spent 99% of his time being haunted by images of dead people he knew and trying to manage that.”

—thegreencomic

24. Every now and then she would get up from the computer and start taking all of her clothes off or smearing her lipstick on her face.

“I was a psych worker at a day program for adolescent outpatients. The city I lived in had a massive shortage of beds in psych units, so we ended up getting a whole lot of kids who really belonged in inpatient care. A couple of the most memorable ones:

One girl was convinced that YouTube was a secret way for the government to communicate with her, and only her. She would open up random videos and start conversing or arguing with them, because she thought she was looking at a live video chat with a government agent. She would scream at other kids if she saw them watching YouTube videos, because she thought it was just for her. Every now and then she would get up from the computer and start taking all of her clothes off or smearing her lipstick on her face. One of those cases that sounds funny on paper, but is absolutely gut-wrenching to watch.

We had a kid who had pretty much been raised in a series of hotel rooms from a young age, because he was so violent that he burned his bridges with every group home, residential placement and appropriate foster home in the city. The final straw came when he was about 8 or 9; out of nowhere, he tried to gouge his foster father’s eyes out while he was driving at highway speeds. After that, they kept him in hotel rooms with a rotating cast of social workers and youth workers to provide 1-to-1 supervision. He was messed up before, but that kind of childhood pretty much did him in.

We had one girl who was trying to manage her depression/anxiety and be a better parent to her 2-year-old. Typical stuff. She’d been with us for a couple of months when out of nowhere, she comes in completely hysterical, screaming that her daughter was found murdered that morning. We freaked out and called up her caseworker, only to find out that there was no kid. Never had been. She’d talked about this kid for months, in great detail, and we’d never thought to report it to her caseworker because we had no reason to doubt she was telling the truth. Next day she came in vacant and dead-pan, and nonchalantly told us that her (fictional, and now dead) kid had been hit by a bus in front her of that morning. Back to the hospital she went.

We had a kid with a double-whammy of fetal alcohol issues and brain damage from a childhood hit-and-run. He lost his ability to ‘hear’ thoughts in his own head, and had absolutely zero impulse control. I don’t mean ‘couldn’t help himself from eating a second cookie.’—I mean zero. Whatever thoughts came into his mind came out of his mouth in real-time. If he saw something he wanted to put in his mouth, it went into his mouth. He once ate all the staples out of a stapler before staff noticed what he was doing. He would pull drinks out of the fridge and dump them over his own head, bash himself in the face with sporting equipment and just drop his pants and pee whenever he felt like it. He had an IQ in the normal range, just a unique form of brain damage. We had to have 2 staff on him at all times, just to keep him from traumatizing the other kids.

I also think it’s worth noting that before I went to work with brain-damaged patients, my boyfriend rode a motorcycle. After I started coming home with work stories, he gave it up. Seriously, people, brain damage is no joke—wear your helmets, fasten your seatbelts, and for the love of God, don’t drive drunk.”

—xaviira

25. He threatened to kill me if I made eye contact with him. He said his (deceased) father was going to help him.

“A young man with a history of poorly managed schizophrenia who also had chronic meth-induced psychosis, or what I heard someone call ‘Methiphrenia.’

Within 10 seconds of meeting me, he had called me (or whoever he thought he was talking to) a bitch, a cunt, a whore, and a slut. He threatened to kill me if I made eye contact with him. He said his (deceased) father was going to help him.

He had done so much damage with his years of meth use, on top of his poorly controlled schizophrenia, that he was incapable of any sort of meaningful interaction with another human being. He couldn’t comprehend a single subject or idea for more than a couple seconds, and it was like he lived in this chaotic world that none of us had access to. He could become physically aggressive at the drop of a hat for no perceived reason, or he could sit in a corner, crying and yelling that he was a good boy and he didn’t need any of ‘this.’ Even the most seasoned staff members wouldn’t enter a room alone with him. He was a court-appointed commitment, as he was far too dangerous to walk the streets and too far gone to take part in any sort of rehab or social program. He was in his early 30s, and it’s likely he’ll be in institutions for the rest of his life, partly because of years of bad decisions, and partly because of the hand he was dealt.

There was this story that I read a long time ago, about a whale that lived in the ocean somewhere, who was born with an inability to make sounds at the frequency that any other whale could understand. This whale just swam around, calling out to others in a way that no one could understand or respond to, alone forever. I always thought of that whale when I worked with this patient, it preserved my patience and empathy for him when he was displaying more negative or aggressive behaviors. That was seriously what it seemed his life was like. He could speak, but nothing made sense, he could hear you, but he wouldn’t respond in any meaningful way. It gives me hope that even after death threats and shows of force, as far gone as he seemed, there were still so many people still trying to help him and find a way to communicate with him. Staff in psych wards/institutions get a bad rap, but honestly, they wouldn’t put up with the kind of stuff they have to for the amount that they get paid if they didn’t feel a calling to be there. And none of them had given up on him. Hopefully someday they’ll find a way to break through, or bring him out.”

—Eshlau

1. TAURUS

Good Lord, girl, you were born with a superiority complex that reaches up into the clouds—your opinion of yourself is so high, it’s a wonder you’re able to breathe! The reason you’re called the bull is because you’re always ready to bully others into submission. You build yourself up by tearing others down. You can’t empathize. It’s like talking to a brick wall. It would never occur to you that you’re supposed to return everyone’s kindness with kind acts of your own. You’re about a half-inch deep. Very shallow and superficial. In your mind, the only possible thing greater than you would be two of you.

2. LEO

Your favorite thing in the world is a mirror. You’re so full of yourself, you’re practically bursting at the seams. And the minute someone else is no longer useful to you, you spit them out like a watermelon seed. You never stop badmouthing your exes while you’re working your deadly charms on a new victim. You love-bomb your prey and then freeze up the minute you’ve captured them. Once you have their attention, you no longer desire it. Your pleasure trumps everyone else’s feelings every time. BAD girl!

3. CAPRICORN

Not only do you seek to rule the world, you think you deserve to do so. To you, the only outrage is that the world hasn’t already surrendered to your superior wisdom and charm. If people only realized how great you are, you wouldn’t have to be so narcissistic. To compensate for their cruel lack of recognition, you spend your life climbing from one superficiality to the next. If you feel you’ve been wronged or even a little bit underappreciated, you bleed resentment from every pore and carefully plot revenge against whoever was foolish enough to bruise your ego. There’s a reason your tarot card is the Devil.

4. SCORPIO

You think quite highly of yourself, don’tcha? You’re glad to step on whoever is foolish enough to block your path. If it lights your fire, you don’t care who gets burned. And when someone crosses you, they will learn to regret it. That’s when you arch your back and start waving your stinger around. I’d tell you there’s no reason to act so intense, but that’d be like trying to teach a scorpion to act like a kitten.

5. AQUARIUS

You don’t think you’re selfish—you call it “being assertive,” and you don’t care how much of a pain in the ass you are when you’re “asserting” yourself. But you’re not as “independent” as you think, since you depend so heavily on the praise and admiration of others. Protip—learn the difference between assertiveness and bitchiness. Quit letting it all hang out and start tucking it back in—please! The only upside is that sometimes you can be generous, but only to ease your guilty conscience for being such a self-centered bitch.

6. VIRGO

Your ego is as inflated as one of those giant balloons in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. The problem isn’t that you think too highly of yourself—OK, well, yes it is, a little bit. You’re so uptight, I would swear you walk around with your thumb stuck up your ass half the time. You’re worried that everyone’s always talking about you—why would they have to? You’re doing it all the time yourself! You need to learn to laugh at yourself, because everyone else is already laughing at you—and I mean that with love, I swear! Lighten up! We all have flaws!

7. ARIES

You can be rude, stubborn, inconsiderate, and even a little ruthless, but I’m not sure that makes you a narcissist. You need to show compassion and be willing to help others to prove you’re not totally stuck on yourself. Sometimes you’re sweet and generous—I’ll give you that much. By the way, I’ve had a bad week—can you loan me $40?

8. SAGITTARIUS

You’re the center of your own little universe, which is why you don’t really need to be the center of attention or the life of the party. Mostly, negative comments roll right off your back. You only get hurt—and then vengeful—if the insults come from someone you admire. Your ego isn’t so fragile that you’d be upset if someone you don’t like winds up disliking you, too. You’re wise enough to realized that humility looks better than pride, so you’re proud enough to pretend to be humble—because that’s the way you get what you want, you sneaky little narcissist.

9. CANCER

You are one needy little squirrel. Codependent and submissive by nature, you’re a bit too clingy to be a narcissist. You’re not nearly self-confident or arrogant enough to be classified as a narcissist. You’d rather hook up with a narcissist than to be one. And yes, for better or worse, you’re able to be kind and compassionate—sometimes to a fault. You might be better off being a little more narcissistic. Or at least try being self-centered every once in a while? It might do you some good!

10. GEMINI

You don’t seek to manipulate people so much as you seek to avoid them.
And it isn’t that you’re not a narcissist, it’s that you’re unintelligent at being one. If you were actually a self-centered narcissist, you’d make better decisions in life. This is why you’re so low on this list—it’s not that you aren’t self-centered, it’s that you don’t know how to get what you want. True narcissists aren’t this self-destructive.

11. LIBRA

You nave no need for an inflated ego, but then again you have no reason to have one, either. You don’t think you’re that great, and everyone else generally agrees with you. It’s not even that you’re humble so much as you are negative. Sometimes you even underestimate yourself. Actually, it wouldn’t hurt for you to think a little bit more highly of yourself.

12. PISCES

You are too considerate and conscientious and selfless and giving to be a narcissist. You are a follower, not a leader. The one who gives compliments rather than seeks them. The giver, not the taker. At times, you seem to only exist to make all the world’s narcissists feel better about themselves. You are more likely to get stomped on than to do the stomping, you poor little delicate flower. I think it’s time for the humble little fish to morph into a great white shark.

“How can you be so young and know so much about narcissism and psychopathy?” I’ve been met with this question frequently as an author in my twenties who writes about psychological abuse and covert emotional predators. The answer is, on the surface, simple: the child of a narcissistic parent becomes primed to meet more predators in adulthood. We tend to have porous boundaries, a high degree of empathy, resilience and intuition that gets used against us by toxic people. So we often go through a lifetime’s worth of experiences early on that give us hard-won wisdom and insights about toxic people at every point on the spectrum.

I’ve met toxic people across various contexts – from romantic to platonic to professional. From the familial to the foe. From the garden-variety narcissist to the eerie psychopath or sociopath (colloquial terms for those with antisocial traits and a lack of conscience).

I took my findings from childhood and supplemented my real-life experiences with an educational background in psychology and sociology in adulthood. I spent years communicating with and surveying survivors of covert emotional abuse about their experiences.

As a result, I learned not only to identify predators, but to study them, to find ways to counter their manipulative tactics and help other survivors like myself detach and heal.

Here are eleven things I learned about sociopaths, narcissists and toxic people by the age of twenty-seven – that I think everyone should know:

1. There is a spectrum of toxicity, but those who are on the high end of that spectrum, like malignant narcissists, are unlikely to change.

You couldn’t change them no matter how hard you tried – so don’t blame yourself for their behavior or waste energy trying. While there are some people with toxic traits that can change their behavior and are willing to do so, the ones who are disordered will continue in their toxic behavior regardless of how much you try to point out their wrongdoings and transgressions.

2. Contrary to popular belief, not every toxic person is toxic because of a tragic past. Nor do they all suffer from low self-esteem.

Some are born toxic, continue to be character disordered and have no conscience or remorse for their actions. Their brains are inherently different, revealing deficits in areas of the brain related to empathy and compassion. They may know right from wrong but they simply do not care. Many grandiose narcissists on the high level of the spectrum deem themselves superior and feel entitled to anything and everything. That’s why they deliberately destroy lives and sabotage people – because they can and they are rewarded by it. The highly disordered do not always destroy others because they are “suffering in pain.” They do so because they know they can get away with it.

3. You can’t rationalize a sociopath’s behavior and feel pity for someone who actively tries to destroy you time and time again – it will only keep you stuck in the cycle of abuse.

When you’re led to feel guilty about setting boundaries with them or cutting off contact, that makes it all the more difficult to detach from them and realize you don’t deserve their treatment. Feeling pity for them in place of healthy boundaries is usually a waste of energy you could be feeling for their actual victims or showing compassion for yourself.

4. Empathy deficiency is on the rise, so we need to stop assuming that everyone has our best interest at heart.

Researchers like Martha Stout estimate that 1 in 25 Americans are sociopathic, meaning they have no conscience. Narcissism is on the rise too among the younger generation. With the prevalence of toxicity among us, education and awareness about psychopathy and narcissism is needed more than ever. Pretending that everyone has a conscience or the ability to empathize will only lead to continued rationalization of destructive behavior – at the expense of your own basic needs and rights.

5. The only way to “win” with a toxic person is to not to play their game – or at least, refusing to play on their level.

Otherwise, you risk losing your own humanity in the process if you’re continually consumed by one-upping them. It’s very difficult to “battle” someone with no remorse or empathy. Cutting off all contact and communication – what we call “No Contact,” is the ideal way to deal with highly toxic people. It’s not always possible, but it’s the ideal. Once you start to breathe fresher air, you’re less likely to tolerate toxicity in the future.

6. When No Contact isn’t possible, Low Contact is the next best step.

This means keeping only the minimum amount of contact with the toxic person (only when necessary) while setting firm boundaries and becoming emotionally unreactive to the narcissist’s mind games. Remember, your emotional reactions are their fuel.

7. Self-validation is key when you’re moving forward.

You have to be able to say to yourself every day, “I did the right thing by leaving. I didn’t deserve their abuse.” When you’re addicted to gaining the approval and validation of a toxic sociopath or narcissist, you’re still ensnared in their sick and twisted manipulation.

8. There are people who won’t believe you and unfortunately, you won’t convince them.

Sociopathic predators are very skilled at fooling and duping others. They can be very likeable and charming. They can provoke their victims into reacting after months or years of covert abuse, only to use those reactions as proof that their victims are unstable. The malignant narcissists who walk among you are probably people you know and like – and if you haven’t personally been victimized by them, you’re none the wiser to who they truly are behind closed doors.

9. Enablers of narcissists and sociopaths can be toxic too.

When manipulators use others to carry out their dirty work for them, their actions can be just as destructive and toxic as those of the original perpetrators. Enablers exist on a spectrum, just like toxic people – all the way from the confused, blissfully ignorant bystanders to the malicious fellow con artists. Some people truly believe that the manipulators in question are “good” and since predators have a great deal of social proof that others like and approve of them, they are able to continue on their façade with alarming ease with the support of people who stand by their side.

10. You’ll know you’re in the presence of someone toxic just by the way you feel. So don’t discount your instincts.

If you don’t always feel this way with others but with them you feel off balance, hurt, confused, constantly mistreated and devalued – you’re in the presence of an emotional predator. Empathic people know when they’ve made mistakes and own up to them. They don’t avoid accountability for their actions, even if they inadvertently hurt people. Sociopaths do – and they do not care who they hurt. They do not care about your feelings. They do not care about your needs. So always remember that if you’re consistently not feeling good – or you’re feeling “love-bombed” one second and terrorized the next, this is not someone who is emotionally safe.

11. The truth does eventually come out, even if you’re not there to witness it.

When victims of covert malignant narcissists finally move forward, enablers are left in the dust as well – though they don’t know it yet. Narcissists and sociopaths only treat their enablers well so long as they serve them. So, eventually, they turn on the people who helped them carry out their dirty work too when they are no longer useful. All those who supported the perpetrators will one day remember the day their victims tried to get them to see the truth. Unfortunately, by that time, it’ll be too late.

I’ve come across many convincing predators in my lifetime, but perhaps none are more skilled and dangerous than the proverbial wolf in sheep’s clothing. This term’s origins goes as far back as the bible: “Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves” (Matthew 7:15). It is used to describe those who appear to be harmless but are actually sneaky, conniving saboteurs looking to fulfill their own selfish agenda at the expense of everyone else’s rights.

This term is quite fitting for the toxic manipulators, covert narcissists or sociopaths who dress themselves as innocent, charitable people while committing unspeakable acts of violence behind closed doors. These predators can come across as agreeable, kind, successful, giving, even shy, insecure and introverted; they can also have a deeply seductive charisma that draws people into their toxicity. Yet their glowing public image is no match for their nefarious private deeds. These wolves lurk anywhere and everywhere, waiting to ensnare their victims into their twisted web.

Another word for the wolf in sheep’s clothing is “the covert aggressor.” Dr. George Simon, the author of In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding And Dealing With Manipulative People, notes:

“If you’re dealing with a person who rarely gives you a straight answer to a straight question, is always making excuses for doing hurtful things, tries to make you feel guilty, or uses any of the other tactics to throw you on the defensive and get their way, you can assume you’re dealing with a person who — no matter what else he may be — is covertly aggressive.”

There is no limit to where these covert manipulators and aggressors can be found. They may be drawn to careers that distinguish them as givers rather than takers, but ultimately, their own self-interest takes precedent over the welfare of any of the people they purport to help.

They could be the head therapist of a counseling center; they may be the pastors at your church, the leaders of altruistic companies, passionate advocates of the local charity. They could be the seemingly benevolent social worker, the compassionate teacher, the seemingly selfless counselor.

According to Dr. Martha Stout, author of The Sociopath Next Door, covert manipulators rely on our empathic nature to get us to fall for them. They prey on our sympathy and our compassion, our willingness to give toxic people the benefit of the doubt. That is why wolves in sheep’s clothing get away with their behavior, time and time again.

Yet there is one thing that can distinguish them early on.

Aside from their use of pity to make you feel sorry for them and their inability to correct their toxic behavior or own up to it, there is one thing I’ve noticed that consistently exposes wolves in sheep’s clothing and differentiates them from those who are genuine. This can help distinguish them even in the early onset of any sort of relationship or interaction with them.

Contempt. 

Initially when a wolf in sheep’s clothing tries to “groom” you into making you their victim, they may act humble, generous, soft-spoken. They are heavy-handed with their compliments, their praise and their laser-focused attention (also known as love-bombing). They are seemingly empathic. Yet their true self is always eventually revealed once you get closer to them and actually realize they lack the emotional equipment to follow through with their promises or perceived character.

If you observe a manipulator closely, they always display micro-signals of contempt when they are speaking. No matter how hard they try to disguise these beneath their façade, their disgust for the human race and the silly “morals” of lesser mortals seeps through every pore of their skin, every shift in their tone, every twitch in their gestures. It seeps through their proposed principles and exposes their real feelings. It finds its way into their rhetoric and the ways in which they talk about the world, the way they speak about others, and eventually, the ways in which they’ll come to speak about you.

Whenever you’re in the presence of a ravenous wolf, you will at some point notice a look of disdain, or a haughty tone of voice when they talk about people they consider “beneath” them. It’s the air of perceived superiority that distinguishes them – and they can’t keep the mask on for long, either.

They may suddenly speak rudely about a friend who they once praised (who you later find out they are envious of); they may abruptly devolve into a scathing manifesto about the waiter who ‘failed’ to give them the right order; they may suddenly start to attack an ex-girlfriend or ex-boyfriend who left them with a shocking hostility that seems altogether out of place with their sweet nature.

You may witness them giving the cold shoulder or cruel, undeserving reprimands to the people who have been nothing but kind and loyal to them. And undoubtedly, you will be placed next in their queue of unsuspecting victims.

When the person who once soothed you with sweet nothings, grand gestures and loving support morphs into a person who is speaking with excessive hatred or disdain for people they don’t know, or people who they do know all too well, watch out. You’re probably in the presence of someone who will one day look down upon you, too.

Contempt is also prominent throughout the abuse cycle with a covert wolf. In the devaluation phase of any relationship with a narcissist, this type of perpetrator who once made you feel like you were the only one in the room – suddenly swoops you off the pedestal and makes you beg for their approval.

They do this by dishing out intense contempt and dislike targeted towards you periodically throughout the relationship.

Where once they couldn’t get enough of your personality, your talents, your attention, now they act as if everything you do makes you beneath them. They once celebrated your achievements; now they act as if you are a burden.

They pin the blame on you for things that were their fault. When you speak out or protest their unfair behavior, they make you out to be the “troublemaker” when you are actually just the truth-teller. They blindside you by making you the scapegoat, the black sheep they must persecute and devalue so no one realizes it is they who are the wolves in sheep’s clothing.

Wolves are out for blood, for live prey, and malignant narcissists are no different. They will treat you appallingly once they’ve gotten you hooked on their praise and presence.

They will treat you are like you are nothing to them, even though they initially pretended you were everything.

To wean yourself off from any sense of self-blame you may be feeling, remember that the way a predatory individual idealized you and any other victim is temporary – it is used as bait.

Once wolves have trapped their prey, they have no mercy in devouring you. This is just their nature and it has nothing to do with what you might have done or who you are. It becomes clear that you were not the woman or man of their dreams as they claimed you were: you were just used as sustenance.

To detach from a wolf? You must develop a sense of “contempt” or disgust for their wrongdoings and the holes in their dubious character. Replace your once idealized fantasy of who they were with the truth, and you will find yourself less likely to fall prey to their schemes.

Once a wolf, always a wolf – but you don’t have to remain their sheep.

1. It’s always difficult to share my problems with them because they also had that same problem at some stage of their life and it was much harder for them than it is for me apparently.

2. It’s interesting really. My mom died recently. When I called my sister to come down the day before she died she said, “I thought she was going to die today. I’m not disappointed, but I can’t keep missing work.”

The next day I called her to come to the hospital again as the doctor and I made the decision to take her off the ventilator. On the phone she said, “Well, can we pull out the tube as soon as I get there because I have plans tonight?”

She also proceeded to ask me for rent money that day, as I also live with her.

The things they say, and don’t realize how messed up it is is really baffling.

3. My daughter was hit by a drunk driver when she was 12 and nearly died. She was in a coma for two weeks and I was there all day every day, except to go home to shower and change. My sister decided that when I was at the hospital was the perfect time for her and her druggie girlfriend to jimmy the sliding door off the track, break in and steal everything she could find–jewelry, my camera, and yes, my daughter’s piggy bank.

The bitch stole the piggy bank from a comatose kid.

4. When I was 10, my mom put a lock on my door because my brother started threatening to kill me and my mom in the night. When I was 14, he fixated on my mom and threatened to burn down our house, shoot my whole family, and steal all the valuables and drive away. That same year, (he was 17), he took our car and ran away from home for two weeks. We ended up calling the police on him. When he came home, the police decided that it would be best if he lived somewhere else so he did. As we were cleaning out his room we found hundreds of knives, a hand gun, lighter fluid, gasoline and lighters.

5. Oh god where do I begin. She fed my hamster to our cat because I wouldn’t let her name it. She woke me up when I was sleeping in my mom’s bed by punching me and then proceeded to break my index finger with the door when I fought back just because she wanted to sleep there that night. She also poured bleach over my clothes because she was mad that I was doing laundry when she needed to. Honestly there’s a whole lot more but those are some of the major things.

6. She threatened to self-harm because there was a miscommunication over what my parents would give her boyfriend – now husband – for Christmas.

7. My twin sister is a narcissist along with being psychologically, physically, and verbally abusive in general. She has:

– Told me she wished my host family would murder me (I was on foreign exchange).

– Told me that I’m worthless and she should have killed me in the womb.

– Gone through all my things to the point where I have to take 20+ pictures of my room every time I leave the house so I know if she’s touched my stuff.

– Read all my diaries, and once stole an incriminating one and gave it to my social worker to keep me in the mental institute longer.

8. My sister, who is 8 years older than me, chased 6 year old me around the house with a knife so I would leave her alone… because she was babysitting while my parents were on a date… and I needed food…

9. My sister is way too into herself. She has no real friends but she has like 60 thousand Instagram followers. She literally just spends her money on new clothes and the newest iPhone to take selfies. And when I say she has no real friends I really mean it, she never leaves the house, never had a job, dropped out of high school. But she thinks she’s the greatest thing god graced this planet with. I don’t really talk to her because anytime I try she’s just taking pictures of herself with different outfits. It’s really annoying, I don’t know why my parents condone/finance this lifestyle.

She gets it from my mom, she’s kind of the same way.

10. My sister broke my mom’s arm just because she was trying to get a toaster out of the cabinet. I really don’t understand why that was such a big deal to her. Also when my mom was sick she threatened to pour hot coffee on her if she didn’t get out of bed and do shit for her that she could have easily done herself. She also would hit the pets for no reason and talked about murdering strangers because she thought it would be fun. I finally got her out of here and away from us about a month or so ago but it was long overdue, as she is currently 31 years old. There’s a lot more shit but yeah I’m just glad she’s finally gone. I still have nightmares about her.

11. One of my older siblings killed his neighbor’s cat because the cat would come in to his yard. So one day he trapped the cat and put him in a sack and beat it with a bat. At the time I was 15 and idolized him so I didn’t know the severity of what he did. He’s killed other animals, he took another neighbor’s dog and dumped him in town 50 miles away just because the dog would bark sometimes.

He’s an evil sadistic asshole. But tell that to my parents and other siblings and they defend him to the end.

12. One time, I didn’t order my sister a pizza, and she locked me out of the house for the rest of the day.

Another time, she asked me to make her a sandwich which I then forgot to put cheese on and she screamed, “You did this just to fuck with me!” Then beat me up.

13. Oh boy, my big sis kicking down door frames because she “had something inside,” strangling my little sisters, picking up knives to threaten my mom and young kids, smashing furniture, pouring juice in gas tanks, breaking my brother’s nose and always begging, borrowing, and leeching. And somehow they always “deserved it.”

14. Nothing is ever their fault, it’s always yours.

15. My entire childhood my sister would manipulate me and anyone else she could. Had a baby when she was a teen, so I “babysat”. I was seven years younger, and basically raised her first two kids.

She would move across country at the drop of a hat, upending her kids lives numerous times. All of her kids had different dads. She’s been married 3 times.

Our mother almost died a few years ago, and she made the whole thing about her.

Her kids don’t even talk to her anymore. They are all adults now, and I’m their support system.

I own the house our mother lives in, and she tells me everything I should do for our mom and fix the house. I pay the mortgage, I buy her groceries, I make sure she gets to the doctor, but that isn’t enough for my sister. Does she offer any support? Nope, just criticism.

She gives me endless shit about how I bought a nice house for my family when our mom’s house needs a new roof. Told her if she pays for it, I’ll get it fixed. She says she can’t afford it. Yeah? Me neither.

Since the beginning of the year, she got hooked on drugs, left her husband (who should have been the best thing to ever happen to her, he’s great). She’s attempted suicide and tried to say it’s everyone else’s fault. She was in a psych ward for hallucinations and hearing voices. Again, it’s everyone else’s fault.

I haven’t seen her since the holidays last year and I plan to keep it that way.

16. I’m pretty big, but my older brother is huge and burned my face in a fire simply because I was playing with his toy.

We haven’t spoken in a long while, but I’m sure one day we will run into each other again.

17. I caught my younger brother catch a mouse kill it himself and feed it to his snake. One time when he broke his arm climbing over a fence instead of screaming in agony he laughed crazily.

18. When we were younger, we had no heat and he would come into my room and take my covers. I was too small to fight back so I’d just lay there and freeze all night. He’d threaten me that he’d hurt me if I told our mom.

As we got older, he became a drug addict. He would steal my mom’s pain medication and anxiety medication so he could get high. If my mom had any money, he’d steal it from her. He used to steal her car but she wouldn’t do anything because she didn’t want him in jail.

After my mom died, he broke into our house and stole several of our things. The cops said they could do nothing about it.

He got all his kids taken away because he and his baby momma were doing meth while she was breastfeeding and their baby almost died. He still says that his kids shouldn’t have been taken away. He seriously doesn’t understand. He actually said to my dad, “She just smoked a little bit. I don’t know what the big deal is!” They are about to have another baby.

I hate him and want nothing to do with him. We are half siblings. Our older brother, who was his full sibling, died earlier this year and I constantly wonder why it was him and not my awful brother. I don’t even consider him family anymore.

19. My sibling is not a sociopath or psychopath, but is narcissistic with extreme anger issues. He would intentionally start arguments. The slightest response from me would be his excuse to go mental. Worst was once when he choked me after I tried to defend myself, only stopped because I threatened to call the cops. Later my dad sided with him saying I shouldn’t have made my brother angry, and that if I did call the cops, they’d laugh at me and would do nothing. That’s idiotic, obviously. Bear in mind my brother was 6’1 and athletic, while I was a skinny 5’4 teenager that was 5 years younger. I’m now an adult and in the military, and don’t plan on talking to either of them much after I leave.

Needless to say if he ever tries something like that again, he’ll be lucky if he isn’t hospitalized. Count on it.

20. My dad is as much of a narcissist as it gets. I didn’t realize that it was abnormal until I moved out of the house and out of state. When I finally came back I remember him calling me one day to tell me to give him $10 because he claimed he need to grab something to eat.

“Sorry but I don’t have $10 to give you.”

“You don’t have $10 to give your dad? Come on I’ll pay you right back I just need it to go down to the store so I can eat.”

“I don’t have it, so you’ll have to put on your big boy pants and make some money for yourself.”

“Well I was gonna ask your sister, but I don’t wanna ask her because she’s my daughter, ya know?”

I hung up after that. A few minutes later he calls me and says, “Hey your sister just sent me the $10, see it wasn’t that hard.”

21. I’m not even totally sure of my older brother’s diagnosis but several years ago I found out through his journal that he had an elaborate plan to murder me and had apparently attempted to before, but couldn’t go through with it. His reasoning was mostly because I was mean to him as a child, but really he was the one cruel to me?? The part that really fucks me up is that both my parents knew about his wish to kill me and never said anything to me, let us sleep under the same roof. They always coddled and treated him differently than me. He is severely mentally ill, likely a psychopath, has been in a mental hospital now for several years. I cut contact with my parents as soon as I moved out.

22. My sister has dialed down her act a bit, after we have all spent a few years out of our raging NPD asshole father’s house. I mostly remember a MASSIVE sense of entitlement that simply made no logical sense and would require a great deal of cognitive dissonance to explain. Like, she would never loan me things (CDs, etc.), but had no problem walking straight into my room, in front of my face, to take a bottle of body lotion to use on herself. She seemed to have no remorse for what her behavior did to others, so long as she got what she wanted out of the deal. Sometimes, she would just do and say mean and spiteful things for no reason.

I talk to her from time to time. While is less of a self-involved sociopath, she still is insufferably self-righteous.

23. Brother was doted on as a child because he was gifted at basketball. Literally had no consequences growing up and could do whatever he wanted. Treated me and our parents like absolute crap and they still doted on him, while I would get the belt for the most benign and asinine stuff. My brother’s life is absolute crap right now, he has no sense of self-worth and just gets hand outs from my parents. He is in his late thirties and my parents are giving him money for rent and food. He wants everyone to feel sorry for him and expects everything to be handed to him. He can’t do anything on his own and guilt trips and manipulates my parents into doing whatever it is he needs doing for him or just giving him extra funds. He has no incentive to change and is content playing video games all day while my parents just enable his lifestyle. At holidays he just talks down to me and tries to make me feel bad about how ‘difficult’ his life is. I could care less about him and have no desire to talk to him until he makes some serious changes in his lifestyle and life choices.

24. Growing up, she had total control of my life. She criticized what I wore, listened to, ate, everything. If I was different I was weird, if I liked what she liked then I was copying her. She tried to scare me multiple times with guns and knives, claiming she never would actually hurt me but she would hold up a samurai sword to my throat and tell me if I moved I died.

Eventually she had at kid when she was 19 and I was 16, and for a year she was a good mother and then decided she didn’t want to be a mom anymore. I’ve seen her ruin countless people’s lives, spanning from just stringing them along to draining their bank accounts to contributing to them being put in jail for domestic abuse (she’s still waiting for trial on her charge). I despise her and she is not family to me. I had so many issues growing up that only stemmed from things she did to me and I don’t want to see my niece grow up like that. My parents are doing a wonderful job of raising her but she doesn’t understand why mommy isn’t there and it breaks my heart.

25. They’re insane, and always mad about something petty. Somehow everything is related to their projected social image, regardless of context or content.

26. I haven’t spoke to my brother in 3-4 years. Last time I did he went after my wife and that was the last straw for me. Since then, my parents have cut him off, he lost his job, and his life has spiraled. Not sure what he is up to now but my quality of life has improved with him not in it.

27. Lived an entire lifetime not being aware that it isn’t normal to run to your bedroom and hide when dad gets home. That it isn’t normal to be scared of your parents reactions to, well, anything.

Becoming a mom and having little kids that I just looked at and knew… I could never beat them up for picking a flower, or shame them for not knowing how to hang a shelf, or throw grubs at them if they come outside, or throw potato salad at them if they say they don’t want any. It wasn’t normal and only just now am I realizing all of that.

28. She called the cops and CPS, repeatedly accusing our step-dad of child abuse. It usually lined up with her having rules and punishments. She didn’t like that my parents did research on how to raise a psychopath that doesn’t become a murderer, they suddenly knew all her tricks and tactics. I sometimes think about how sad it must be to be physically incapable of feeling human emotions, but it clearly would only hold her back.

29. They can make drama out of any situation and will try to drag you into it even years later.

Example: I am the next to youngest. My whole family is a shit show, but when I was planning my wedding, I was still trying to pretend I had a reasonable family. My future husband’s family was like Leave it to Beaver.

So I asked both of my sisters to be bridesmaids. I knew this was a risk, but I hoped they could keep their shit together for a single evening. At the time, I thought they had.

About 8 years later, we were in the same city because one of our brothers was in the hospital due to a bad car accident. We had one hotel room across the street from the hospital so people could go rest when they needed to.

I was in that room with my oldest sister when she said, “You know {middle sister} stole wine glasses from your wedding, right?” I told her I didn’t care.

A couple of hours later, I was in that room with my middle sister. She said, “You know {older sister} stole glasses from your wedding, right?” I also told her I didn’t care.

So here we are, waiting to see if our brother was going to die and both of these bitches are playing reindeer games with me, trying to make me be angry with the other one.

Our brother lived. I’ve cut contact with all my siblings because they are all like this. They have to start shit no matter what the situation or consequences.

30. When she threw a cup of hot tea at my face because I refused to show her something on the computer. Or the time when she yelled at me for over an hour because I was really sick and had thrown up all over the bathroom sink. The same bathroom she had just cleaned.

I stopped speaking with her over 7 years ago.

31. Brother believes the world is his oyster and that friends and family and loved ones are his to control and exploit.

He told a girl they are dating and she should buy him a car and take him out for dinner.

Brother has also tried to burn down our childhood home thrice because mom didn’t give him the things he wanted, we were poor and he knew that but he honestly believes that he gets what he wants because that’s how it should be.

He also tried to sell my car, he still hounds me for the money he should have gotten if he sold it.

32. My sister has never been diagnosed with narcissism or a personality disorder other than OCD, but when we were younger she often enjoyed telling people before I met them that I had a “difficult relationship with the truth” so that they wouldn’t want to be around me. I had the reputation of a liar and no friends for most of my preteen years, and she was popular in our homeschool group until she left and got into high school. After she left, I still didn’t have friends, but neither did she, and she blamed me for it during her frequent temper tantrums. She would throw things, scream, cry, and threaten me with kitchen knives on a pretty regular basis. All of a sudden, the year that I turned 17 and she turned 21, the tantrums stopped and she got engaged. He moved in with us, the tantrums started again, and for once I wasn’t the target. The worst fight they had happened when she caught him looking at a photo of a bikini model, which she considered cheating. She hit him full force with an open palm, and when our mum saw, she threatened to kick her out if she hit him again. They got married, moved out, and divorced within a year of him enlisting in the army.

33. I was playing with a suitcase while watching TV. I was small enough to fit myself in it. My brother, nearly four and a half years older than me, saw what I was doing and asked to zip me up in it. After already having learned to never trust him, I asked Mom to watch us to make sure he didn’t do anything stupid.

He zipped me up inside the suitcase and started carrying it in a shuffle-step.

Thump. Thump. Thump.

I heard the sliding door to the enclosed patio open, Mom started screaming and I could hear her slapping my brother repeatedly. The suitcase fell over onto its side with me still in it.

I managed to pry open the zippers from the inside and got myself out of the suitcase as quickly as possible. Mom was still slapping at my brother, screaming, “Why?!

I was two feet away from being dumped inside a suitcase into the family hot tub.

He laughed and said that I would have floated, what’s the big deal?

So, yeah, that’s what it was like growing up with a sociopath.

Sociopaths have the power to destroy your identity. I didn’t realize I had encountered one until it was way too late.

The damage our relationship caused was powerful enough that it made me question everything I once stood for. When you are unlucky enough to encounter a sociopath for whatever reason, the relationship can eat away at your self-esteem, and it can cause you to forget everything you once believed in or knew to be true. It can destroy your humanity. It left me in a state of confusion and crisis that caused me to lose sight of the stable place I’d once seen the world to be.

I entered into a connection with one when I was at a particularly low place in my life. I had just been dumped by my boyfriend of three years and I was somewhat isolated in my life due to past trauma and mental health struggles. I’m naturally kind of a hermit with an open mind and loving heart, so perhaps I was an easy target.

When I connected with him, it felt intoxicating and special. It felt like we were in our own little fantasy world, a love bubble that took control of my entire life. It left me dissociated and isolated from reality and from the rest of the world. It caused me to lose friends, and it put strain on significant relationships in my life that had once been meaningful to me.

While it was happening, it felt good. Perhaps my brain was numbing the pain and disconnection I felt inside.

I wasn’t even aware of how powerful the relationship was and the negative effects it had on me until it was too late and I’d lost everything. I lost jobs, friends, living situations, money, my reputation — everything I’d built up to at that point in my life.

I can’t diagnose this person officially as a sociopath because I’m not a mental health professional, but when I looked up the definition of narcissist, that didn’t seem to fit. He was extremely logical and calculating with his every move, whereas narcissists are more grandiose, emotional, and reactive. This person was in complete control of his emotions. He had a way with words that kept me hanging onto the relationship, thinking there was a possibility of a future together, when there likely never was in his mind. He certainly used me for his own entertainment, as a distraction to alleviate boredom.

I had never been so easily influenced by another person before, but for whatever reason, he really had a hold over me. I couldn’t let go of the connection for a long time because it was so addictive.

He treated me essentially like an object, never showing me any true love or affection, keeping me at a distance, only to return to use me for sexual purposes when he felt like it. He showed no empathy or remorse for his actions. He actually entered into a relationship with another woman while we were connected and continued talking to me regularly, frequently bringing up sexual topics.

Before meeting him, I dated men who treated me fairly well. But after him, it was as if I lost myself and everything I knew to be right in the world. I began to question everyone’s intentions I encountered, wondering what they were really thinking behind closed doors. You really never know, and I was opened up to the understanding of a darker side of humanity.

It’s hard for me to admit what a hold he had over me, because I always considered myself to be a strong person. But ultimately, he left me feeling like I didn’t deserve love from him or from anyone.

I would fake it on the outside, pretend that I was doing well. I almost became like him during that time. I respected him, and he used that against me. It was almost as if I had been brainwashed. Unfortunately, I was so out of touch with reality during the time of our encounter that I thought I was doing well. But upon reflection, I can see that I was not. I was high on his torture. I didn’t realize how someone could so easily just come into my life and take advantage of me. Was he totally aware of what he was doing? I’ll never know.

Before I met him, I assumed that all people had good intentions, because I had good intentions. I would never have wanted to hurt anyone intentionally. I suppose I wanted to understand him, and maybe try to change him, try to make him mine. He would never fully commit to me, and that was part of the addictive nature of the relationship. I felt like he was a conquest, and I had to have him.

He was never overtly mean. He actually complimented me often. He simply didn’t respect my humanity. When I told him I needed to leave the connection, which I did several times, he was always very calm about it and would even wish me well. And yet, he would come back and send me messages over and over again, and I naively thought that maybe he finally realized what he was missing.

When you’re in the midst of one of these connections, you don’t realize how crazy and reckless you are being with your own mind, body, and spirit. You have to fully let go of it until you become fully aware of the insanity you were living in. You’ll have to rebuild your life on more solid foundations as a result. You’ll always be a bit more cautious and tender with your heart and recognize the red flags of someone who has no desire to do the same with yours.

There has been a decades-long joke with my father about the fact that both he and I seemingly attract assholes. From lunatics in the frozen food section to romantic partners, the sheer volume of people fitting this stereotype leads me to believe that maybe there is something more to this joke. While there are a variety of ways a sociopath can manipulate you before, during, and even after a relationship, here are the six main reasons why you actually attract them.

1. You’re independent

Sociopaths have a tremendously large arsenal of manipulation tactics, but one of the things that they use consistently is a drastic change from hot to cold. For most people, this elicits insecurity as they wonder why the person is cold all of a sudden, but for you, you barely notice. You were working all day, then taking the dog for a walk and catching up with that friend from college. You didn’t even realize they hadn’t texted you back for several hours. In this way, you are a sweet, unique challenge to them because you actually value your own space. It also makes it markedly easier for them to keep up with all of the other relationships they have in their back pocket: the girl he casually texts just to boost his ego, his ex-wife, and anyone else that he can exploit.

2. You have an extremely high emotional intelligence level

Sociopaths are not stupid. They gauge your level of crazy early on in the relationship. They are focused on finding a person who will take rational actions—that way they can more effectively anticipate your decisions and manipulate you to their liking. Additionally, do you try to psychoanalyze the reasons for someone’s behavior often in your life? Is it easy for you to understand that the colleague you have who constantly begs for attention never got it during childhood? This elevated emotional awareness may also peg you as a target, since you will take great time to try to understand sociopathic behavior, its roots, and how to fix it. The sociopath will also delight in your high EI as you probably will not go to extreme levels of destructiveness when the relationship inevitably implodes.

3. You have a history of emotional or physical abuse in relationships

This may be one of the biggest targets for a sociopath. They will probe you about your past relationships very early in the dating game in order to pick up on this. Have you been the victim of infidelity or lying in other important relationships? Did you have an absent or emotionally distant parent? Eventually, the sociopath will use this against you, saying your suspicions of them are just the result of your unresolved wounds from the other abuser. They will attempt a sleight of hand when you are angered by their behavior, insisting they are angry with you for being “punished” for the other abuser’s mistakes. They will take absolutely no accountability for their choices and insist they are victimized by you.

4. You know what a sociopath is

You are not only familiar with the behavior of a sociopath, but have even had conversations with your partner about their sociopathic behavior. Have they shown up after a month of not talking—just the sight of them forming a lump in your throat—and yet, they’re not emotional? Followed by that random conversation in the middle of a Starbucks when their tears started—trying to show you that they can get emotional—but something about the timing of it just felt strange. Your gut knows and feels it, but your heart overrules it. Your rational mind fills the voids in their behavior positively, creating a person in front of you that the mind can accept, because it is far more difficult to believe that evil like this exists. The kind of evil that can watch the tears stream down your face while you talk about an unfaithful ex and then do the exact same thing to you. The kind that will go out of their way to help a stranger, to let the store employee know that someone in a white Jeep left their lights on in the parking lot, all the while cheating on their wife and lying to their kids.

5. You are an empath

Opposites attract, right? Sociopaths cannot fight ice with ice; in other words, sociopaths cannot effectively manipulate each other the way they can manipulate an empath. They require their target to have the ability to connect on a deep level and revel in the moment when they recognize you are starting to trust them. Have you set boundaries that they have repeatedly crossed, leaving you with the impossible choice to accept the behavior or walk away and lose them entirely? Have you tried to rationalize their behavior, giving them the benefit of the doubt? Have you given them slack because their mother was sick, or this reason or that? You are an empath.

6. You derive most of your validation internally

This is one of the biggest differences in empath/sociopath splits. A sociopath cannot internally generate their own validation and require it from other people, mostly strangers. It is more important to them to be perceived as a great father (when someone is watching) than to actually be one. They have an inherent need to reinforce their belief that they are charming and worthy of attention. The fact that you do not require this probably fascinates them. You do not have a list of men in your contact list that you casually exchange pictures with just for validation, because you don’t require that. This further emphasizes the fact that you do not have sociopathic traits, making you the perfect empathetic target.

Getting out of a relationship with a sociopath is a project that takes great time, and don’t be discouraged if it takes a few attempts to get out. Sometimes it is easier to sabotage the relationship and have them leave you than to try to leave independently. Because they will follow. They will show up, write letters—hell, they’ll write it in the sky how much they love you if it means having you under their control again. And being in their control, under their influence, feels great. It means you are flattered with compliments and gifts: it means that things improve (temporarily) after the reconciliation. It means great sex. But it always comes right back around to the bottom line of it all, the part that deep down you already know but are having trouble accepting: they don’t respect you, nor value you, and they certainly don’t love you.

Some people refer to themselves as empaths, meaning that they are highly sensitive to the emotional realm and to the feelings of those around them. They might take on the pains of others at their own expense.

A sociopath could be defined as the opposite of this — they have no regard, and perhaps, not even a sense of what others are feeling around them, and they will act accordingly.

The two may appear to be complete opposites, but they are truly two sides of the same coin.

While empaths don’t mean to harm those around them, they will often have maladaptive characteristics, like avoidant tendencies, in order to avoid hurting others, because they can feel their pain and they don’t want to hurt them. They might even lie or manipulate so that others will have a good view of them and so they won’t hurt someone else’s feelings. Although it seems that they are doing this to be “good,” it is typically for selfish reasons — they don’t want to feel bad, even if they are technically being dishonest or unhelpful by not speaking their truth.

For example, a new friend might ask, “What do you think of my husband?” And an empath might respond, “Oh my gosh, he seems so nice!” when really, in the back of their mind, they see a red flag. The empath is not doing this purposefully to hurt the person but to make them feel good. It is a maladaptive coping mechanism the person probably had to adapt during childhood in order to survive a toxic situation.

Whereas a person with sociopathic inclinations might be straightforward and honest about it, perhaps to the point of making the person uncomfortable.

Person A: “What do you think of my husband?”

Sociopath: “I don’t like him. He smelled terrible, he needs to lose about 15 pounds, and there’s something wrong with him.”

This might make the person feel bad, but the sociopath wouldn’t care. They would only care about how they felt during the situation.

Someone with more of a sense of balance might say something like, “I still have to get to know him better, but when he made the comment about how he didn’t like your lentil soup in front of the entire dinner party, it made me feel uncomfortable. Overall he seems like an okay guy but I want you to be safe and happy.”

Empaths might also use their sensitivity as a way to avoid living a full life where they are in connection with others, because they often feel so overwhelmed by other people’s energies. Sometimes they will make excuses or lie about why they can’t hang out to avoid hurting others’ feelings when they should just be honest.

While empaths are typically not aggressive or outwardly harmful like sociopaths can be, their behaviors can still hurt others. In their inability to set boundaries and be honest, they are displaying a lack of empathy for others as well, because they are unable to play the long game — they are acting in a fear-based pattern which keeps them trapped in the present moment, acting out their feelings impulsively rather than making mature decisions, like making time for self-care and allowing feelings to pass through them rather than holding them in.

I’m not trying to blame or shame empaths, because they often do already feel a lot of feelings of shame, humiliation, and self-loathing. But I want to share that being an empath to me, as someone who once associated with being one, means that you have an inability to be a fully grown adult who can take care of and hold space for themselves energetically. Part of being an adult is learning to be honest, direct, and get your needs met. Many of us do not learn this as children, so instead we take on the feelings of others, and we become people-pleasers. When we are honest with ourselves and with others, it actually protects us, even though it can be scary to do it. Many empaths faced abuse, shame, or humiliation when they spoke their truth as children, so they might attract these types of situations as adults as well.

There is nothing wrong with being this way, and in some sense, it can even be advantageous. There is no right or wrong inherently. I just want to shed light on the fact that many people see empaths as angels and sociopaths as demons, when in reality, they are both acting out different maladaptive behaviors that were developed during childhood.

As for sociopaths, they do tend to be more aggressive. Often their aggression is due to an inability to handle their feelings. Surprisingly enough, they also tend to be highly sensitive, they just don’t know how to handle those feelings, and so they take them out on others. Whereas empaths will take on the feelings of themselves and others, sociopaths will put them onto others. And so they are two sides of the same coin. Sociopaths also do not have healthy coping skills and will act out their emotions impulsively in the present moment.

If either of these archetypes want to lead a more balanced lifestyle, self-defense or martial arts classes, anger management classes, and learning healthy communication skills would serve them well. However, there is some beauty in the great variance of humanity that cannot be understated. We don’t always need to fix ourselves or others, but it is certainly always nice and can be more comfortable to achieve a balanced middle ground.

We might even see overlap of behaviors between some people who would be considered sociopathic or empathic. A “sociopath” might have a great relationship with his dog and be very kind and caring towards it, but then act out their emotions in other areas of their life, like towards his classmates. An empath might become so overwhelmed that they do blow up on friends or family members — perhaps through performing an act of self-harm in front of them without thinking about how it affects those people, or even by blowing up at them in rage after holding it inside for so long.

The moral of the story is that we cannot fully judge another person’s behaviors, even if they may seem terrible or unforgivable at the time. We are all much more similar than we might initially think, empaths and sociopaths alike, and everyone in between.

My love for you blinded me. I didn’t realize until it was over that you never loved me back, that you were my best friend, but I was never yours. I let myself continue to believe that the drama and chaos was all a part of the process. It was all a part of what I had done to you, because that was the idea you put in my head.

The words still sting.

I tricked you.

I pretended to be somebody else.

I should be able to make my anxiety go away.

The guilt still weighs me down sometimes even though I know it’s insane. I spent so many days peeling parts of myself away to make you happy and comfortable. Anxiety doesn’t just go away, but you can hide it. I didn’t trick you, you just showed up on a good day.

I told you I had it; I guess you didn’t believe me. When I couldn’t control it, and you couldn’t control me, you left and came back. You screamed and yelled. You were withholding, physically and emotionally, forceful and angry, aggressive in all the most ways when I was at my most vulnerable.

I am not guiltless. I acted out. I abhor how I acted, and how I treated you at times, as I tried to be at peace with myself in what I thought was supposed to be the happiest time of my life. In my naivety, you were all I thought I wanted and needed.

The first time I saw you I remember the jolt in my stomach and my mind. I mistook it for an electric shock in my heart. I still believed in determinism. It felt like it was meant to be, and I followed this feeling, I refused to let it go, even through the aggression and fear.

Eventually it stopped, you stopped. You became tender and soft. I became baffled as you asked for communication and affection, but I tried, not understanding why I could no longer open up in ways you seemed to so desperately want.

Now I understand why I couldn’t. You never wanted that, and you never wanted me. I was a placeholder for something you never understood. Your aggression was a blockade, assuring you would never have to fully give yourself to me, and I would never allow myself to fully give in to you.

But you could ask, request, and beg until finally you left, claiming it was my fault. You would claim I wouldn’t communicate, that I was not intimate enough, and that I could not give you what you needed. And you would be right.

Like everything else about us, I found it confusing for a long time how after you left I became more open. I had more energy. Communicating with everybody, I found intimacy to be no problem. Stranger still, they had no problem with me or anything I did. I no longer walked on egg shells and found myself breathing easily and deeply for the first time in years.

I lived. I lived openly and carelessly, however I wanted to, for the first time in recent memory. It felt amazing. And for the first time you were the last person I wanted to tell.

It’s hard for me to blame you. Though I couldn’t realize it while it was happening, I chose to stay, even though I should have as soon as I knew you were telling me you loved me with other women’s names on your lips. There were plenty of red flags I chose to ignore, telling myself it was all in the name of love.

Despite everything, I did love you. Maybe I do love you. I do not love that I now have to sort out the difference between when a person is trying to control me, and compromise with me. Every question feels like an interrogation and every advance an assault. But I could have walked away from these things too.

I didn’t because I was young. You were everything to me. I thought we were different, and every other excuse we tell ourselves when we choose the wrong person, and allow them to cut us over and over again with the same knife and call it love.

Google defines a sociopath as: a person with a personality disorder manifesting itself in extreme antisocial attitudes and behavior and a lack of conscience.

Now look at the guy who cheated, lied, manipulated and hurt you over and over and over again. If he hits all or even a few of these 5 traits, he really could be a sociopath!

1. He has an oversized ego

Does the guy you’re with have a huge ego or a huge sense of entitlement? Does he, to paraphrase my girl Taylor Swift; “love himself more than he’ll ever love you”? If he does, or if he has a tendency to talk about past accomplishments or how cool he was in high school (but in college he’s a friendless loser or performing poorly in school or a sport…), and you’re not seeing the talk match the actions, then you have yourself a red flag.

2. He lies and manipulates you, more than once

Did he lie about the weirdest things or always have some bizarre situation he has to “take care of”. Does he turn blame and fault on you and leave you feeling ‘crazy’ despite the glaring evidence that he was a liar and cheater? Did he threaten you or tell you to stop with the “trust” issues in order to get you to buy into his never ending lies? If that was the case then or now- red flag.

3. He has never empathized with you once

He is always manipulating you to believe that you are the cause of whatever issues he is really causing. He can cause you pain and watch you suffer without ever taking responsibility or feeling remorse- he waits for you to collect yourself and take the responsibility for his actions. He’s never once muttered the words “I know how I’ve made you feel” or “I know this is hard for you, let me fix it”. You could find all the evidence in the world and present it to him and he’ll either defend it or out right deny it and then turn around and leave you feeling delusional and guilty for getting upset. If he defends or denies his actions while watching you beat yourself up and suffer; that is another red flag.

4. You have more fingers on your hand than he does friends

What does he do in his free time; sleep, eat like shit, play video games….nothing (cheat on you)? Does he have any real friends he values time with or does he stay around his family because they’re easy and accessible people. He probably spends more time at home to keep him accountable for having some sort of excuse for a “life”. If he can’t list any real people in his life that mean something to him, and I can promise you are probably not one of them; it’s a red flag.

5. He lives his life based on the “pleasure principal”

Since sociopaths don’t value anything of meaning and significance, they live in the fast lane for things that will physically make them feel good. Risqué behavior, taking chances, and breaking rules gives them something to feel; it might just be the only real source of pleasure they ever have.
If the guy in your life hits all those points, he really could be a sociopath. He could be a master manipulator, a man raised by lying and cheating parents, or someone who lacks all the important morals normal humans have.

Stop blaming yourself. Carrying any of the blame for the sick games and lies you were subjected to will drive you insane. You are not to blame for the disgusting master manipulator he is.

Do not expect closure from him. He will never come clean because all he knows is how to defend his lies and deception. BUT, diagnosed sociopath or not, if you were able to date him, I can promise that you’re strong enough to find your own closure and happiness without him.