The journey to healing from emotional or physical abuse requires us to revolutionize our thinking about relationships, self-love, self-respect and self-compassion. Abusive relationships often serve as the catalyst for incredible change and have the potential to motivate us towards empowerment and strength, should we take advantage of our new agency.

Here are 10 life-changing truths abuse survivors should embrace in their journey to healing, though it may appear challenging to do so.

1. It was not your fault.

Victim-blaming is rampant both in society and even within the mental landscapes of abuse survivors themselves. Recently, the victim-blaming and the mythical “ease” of leaving an abusive relationship has been challenged in the public discourse. Accepting that the pathology of another person and the abuse he or she inflicted upon you is not under your control can be quite challenging when you’ve been told otherwise, by the abuser, the public and even by those close to you who don’t know any better.

Abuse survivors are used to being blamed for not being good enough and the mistreatment they’ve suffered convinces them they are not enough. The truth is, the abuser is the person who is not enough. Only a dysfunctional person would deliberately harm another. You, on the other hand, are enough. Unlike your abuser, you don’t have to abuse anyone else to feel superior or complete. You are already whole, and perfect, in your own imperfect ways.

2. Your love cannot inspire the abuser to change.

There was nothing you could have done differently to change the abuser. Repeat this to yourself. Nothing. Abusers have a distorted perspective of the world and their interactions with people are intrinsically disordered.

Pathological narcissists and sociopaths are disordered individuals who have specific manipulation tactics as well as behavioral traits that make them unhealthy relationship partners. Part of their disorder is that they feel superior and entitled; they are usually unwilling to get help and they benefit from exploiting others.

A lack of empathy enables these types of abusers to reap these benefits without much remorse. Giving your abuser more love and subjugating yourself to the abuser out of fear and out of the hope that he or she would change would’ve only enabled the abuser’s power. You did the right thing (or you will) by stepping away and no longer allowing someone to treat you in such an inhumane manner.

3. Healthy relationships are your birthright and you can achieve them.

It is your right to have a healthy, safe, and respectful relationship. It is your right to be free from bodily harm and psychological abuse. It is your right to be able to express your emotions without ridicule, stonewalling or the threat of violence. It is your right not to walk on eggshells. It is your right to pursue people who are worthy of your time and energy. Never settle for less than someone who respects you and is considerate towards you.

Every human being has these rights and you do too. If you are someone who has the ability to respect others and are capable of empathy, you are not any less deserving than anyone else of a relationship that makes you happy.

4. There is still hope for a better life.

Healing and recovery is a challenging process, but it is not an impossible one. The effects of trauma can be life-changing and undeniable, but a life after abuse is still possible. You may suffer for a long time from intrusive thoughts, flashbacks and other symptoms as a result of the abuse. You may even enter other unhealthy relationships or reenter the same one; this is not uncommon, as a large part of our behavior is driven by our subconscious and such behavior is often part of the trauma repetition cycle. Still, you are not “damaged goods.” You are not forever scarred, although there are scars that may still remain.

You are a victim of abuse – you are also a healer, a warrior, a survivor. You do have choices and agency. You can cut all contact with your ex-partner, seek counseling and a support group for survivors, create a stronger support network, read literature on abusive tactics, engage in better self-care, and you can have better relationships in the future. If you suspect you were the victim of emotional abuse, you can read about the manipulation tactics of emotionally abusive people and understand how pathological individuals operate so that you can protect yourself in the future. All hope is not lost. You can use this experience to gain new knowledge, resources and networks. You can channel your crisis into transformation.

5. You don’t have to justify to anyone the reasons you didn’t leave right away.

The fear, isolation and manipulation that the abuser imposed upon us is legitimate and valid. Studies have proven that trauma can produce changes the brain. If we experienced or witnessed abuse or bullying in our childhood, we can be subconsciously programmed to reenact our early childhood wounding.

The trauma of an abusive relationship can also manifest in PTSD or acute stress disorder regardless of whether or not we witnessed domestic violence as a child. Stockholm syndrome is a syndrome that tethers survivors of trauma and abuse to their abusers in order to survive.

This syndrome is created from what Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D calls “trauma bonds,” which are bonds that are formed with another person during traumatic emotional experiences. These bonds can leave us paradoxically seeking support from the source of the abuse. Biochemical bonds can also form with our abuser through changing levels of oxytocin, dopamine, cortisol, serotonin and adrenaline which can spike during the highs and lows of the abuse cycle.

The connection we have to the abuser is like an addiction to the vicious cycle of hot and cold, of sweet talk and apologies, of wounds and harsh words. Our sense of learned helplessness, an overwhelming feeling that develops as we are unable to escape a dangerous situation, is potent in an abusive relationship. So is our cognitive dissonance, the conflicting ideas and beliefs we may hold about who the abuser truly is versus who the abuser has shown himself or herself to be. Due to the shame we feel about the abuse, we may withdraw from our support network altogether or be forced by our abuser to not interact with others.

These reasons and more can all interfere with our motivation and means to leave the relationship. You may have been financially dependent on your abuser or feared physical or psychological retaliation in the form of slander. Therefore, you never have to justify to anyone why you did not leave right away or blame yourself for not doing so. Someone else’s invalidation should not take away your experience of fear, powerlessness, confusion, shame, numbing, cognitive dissonance and feelings of helplessness that occurred when and after the abuse took place.

6. Forgiveness of the abuser is a personal choice, not a necessity.

Some may tell you that you have to forgive the abuser to move on. Truly, that is a personal choice and not a necessity. You might feel forgiveness of the abuser is necessary in order to move forward, but that does not mean you have to. Survivors may have also experienced physical and sexual abuse in addition to the psychological manipulation. You may have gone through so much trauma that it feels impossible to forgive, and that’s okay. In fact, according to Beverly Engel, LMFT, pressuring yourself to forgive too soon can be detrimental to your recovery.

It is not our job to cater to the abuser’s needs or wants. It’s not our duty to reconcile with or forgive someone who has deliberately and maliciously harmed us. Our duty lies in taking care of ourselves on the road to healing.

7. Forgiveness towards yourself is necessary to move forward.

Self-forgiveness is a different matter. Many survivors struggle with self-blame after the ending of an abusive relationship. Even though you don’t have anything to ‘forgive’ yourself for (the abuse was the abuser’s fault, not yours), survivors may judge themselves for not leaving sooner or looking out for their best interests during the relationship. It is encouraged to show compassion towards yourself and be gentle with yourself during times of negative self-talk and self-judgment. These are all things survivors tend to struggle with in the aftermath of an abusive relationship and it can take a while to get to this point.

Remember: You didn’t know what you know now about how the abuser would never change. Even if you had, you were in a situation where many psychological factors made it difficult to leave.

8. You are not the crazy one.

During the abusive relationship, you were gaslighted into thinking that your perception of reality was false and told that you were the pathological one, that your version of events was untrue, that your feelings were invalid, that you were too sensitive when you reacted to his or her mistreatment of you. You may have even endured a vicious smear campaign in which the charming abuser told everyone else you were “losing it.”

Losing it actually meant that you were tired of being kicked around, tired of being cursed at and debased. Losing it actually meant that you were finally starting to stand up for yourself. The abuser saw that you were recognizing the abuse and wanted to keep you in your place by treating you to cold silence, harsh words, and condescending rumor mongering.

It’s time to get back to reality: you were not the unstable one. The unstable one was the person who was constantly belittling you, controlling your every move, subjecting you to angry outbursts, and using you as an emotional (and even physical) punching bag.

Who are you? You were the person who wanted a good relationship. The one who strove to please your abuser, even at the cost of your mental and physical health. You were the one whose boundaries were broken, whose values were ridiculed, whose strengths were made to look like weaknesses. You attempted to teach a grown person how to behave with respect – often fruitlessly. You were the one who deserved so much better.

9. You do deserve better.

No matter what the abuser told you about yourself, there are people out there in healthy relationships. These people are cherished, respected and appreciated on a consistent basis. There is trust in the relationship, not the toxic manufacturing of love triangles. There are genuine apologies for mistakes, not provocation for attention or quick reconciliation.

Consider this: aside from the experience of trauma, these people in healthier relationships are not drastically different from you. In many ways, they are just like you – flawed, imperfect, but worthy of love and respect. There are billions of people in this world, and yes, you can bet there are plenty out there who will treat you better than the way you’ve been treated before. There are people out there who will see your wonderful strengths, talents, and who will love your quirks. These people wouldn’t dream of intentionally hurting you or provoking you. You will find these people – in friendships and in future relationships. Perhaps you already have.

10. It may have seemed this relationship was like a “waste of time” but in changing your perspective, it can also be an incredible learning experience.

You now have the agency to create stronger boundaries and learn more about your values as a result of this experience. As a survivor, you’ve seen the dark side of humanity and what people are capable of. You’ve recognized the value of using your time wisely after you’ve exhausted it with someone unworthy. With this newfound knowledge, you are no longer naive to the fact that there are emotional predators out there. Most importantly, you can share your story to help and empower other survivors. I know I did, and you can too.

Google defines Gaslighting to as manipulate (someone) by psychological means into questioning their own sanity. Gaslighting is common in conversations between oppressors and their victims. The term comes from a 1938 play called Gas Light, where a husband attempted to drive his wife crazy by changing certains things about the environment and then dismissing her comments on it. One of the ways he did this was by dimming the lights in their home and then convincing her she was confused.

Gas lighting is a dismissal of people’s feelings and views. It is insulting and can be found in conversations between men and women about sexism or white people and people of color about racism. It’s common on social media and in unhealthy relationships. Manipulation at its finest.

Gaslighting in relationships can be a sign of abuse. It is what happens when the person you are conversing with goes out of their way to make you feel like you are crazy. When people pretend to be shocked by your response and try to belittle you and dismiss you by pretending you are overreacting.It works though. It guilts people into not speaking their mind. It frustrates people and leaves them feeling ignored and sometimes helpless.

Some signs of being gaslighted are:

1. Second guessing of past events: When an argument goes back and forth and you find yourself questioning if you are misremembering or forgetting something. The other person is denying the truth so effectively that you start to believe them over your own mind. This saying goes “Who are you going to believe? Me or your lying eyes?”

2. Questioning if your feelings are justified: Not being able to decide whether your initial response to something is warranted. When you can’t trust your instincts it leads to self doubt which impacts choices and actions.

3. Trusting others judgement over your own: The end result of gaslighting is for the victim to question themselves . One becomes unable to trust their own decisions and feelings because they have been manipulated into believing they are wrong so often.

Gaslighting silences people. If someone loses the ability to trust their voice they become silent. Gaslighting stops people from standing up for themselves and from defending themselves. Many times microaggressions get gaslit away. Abuse can be gaslit away. Complaints about triggers can be gaslit away.

Gaslighting is often used to victim-blame and put the responsibility on the injured party.

Not only used in conversations about oppression or in relationships, gaslighting has been used to describe the relationship citizens have with the current president. The use of ‘alternative facts’ , the deception and general disregard for facts and truth by the Trump administration can be considered gaslighting.

Gaslighting breaks down potentially meaningful conversations and robs people of their voice and defenses. If the past two months are any indication people need to be better prepared to handle it both on a micro and macro level.

1. When you find yourself not telling friends or family about things your SO has done/the way you’re being treated.

“When you find yourself not telling friends or family about things your SO has done/the way you’re being treated because ‘they wouldn’t understand’ and you don’t want to make your SO look bad.”

—ThingerBees

2. When there are all these ‘rules’ you don’t know about until you break them.

“There were all of these unspoken ‘rules’ I didn’t know about until I would incur his wrath for breaking them.”

—badly_behaved

3. When you’re crying and they tell you to shut up.

“I was crying in front of him and he just told me to shut up :/.”

—mttbrand

4. When they take pleasure in your pain.

“When she genuinely chuckled at the sight of me crying and being upset, and then vigorously tried to hide it.

Her genuine reaction showed me she was excited at my pain. Then I realized throughout the relationship, she would cause pain, then make me feel like an asshole for feeling emotions because it made her feel guilt and she didn’t like that so fuck me for not being a cyborg.

I’m not kidding, after that moment I noped the fuck out of that relationship.”

—ninetiesplease

5. When they say mean things and then brush it off as teasing.

“He would say mean things and then brush it off as teasing. Yet he was extremely sensitive to being teased, even in a gentle way. He did not see this in himself at all.
The complete inability to manage emotional conflict and lack of self-awareness are the damning things about this. A normal person either quits teasing people or lightens up.”

—turingtested

6. When they love-bomb you at first.

“Love-bombing is often a precursor to an emotionally abusive relationship. It seems like your partner is really into you because they go overboard on the gifts and sweet nothings, and often times that’s how they win you over and get you hooked.

When this happened to me, of course I enjoyed the attention at first, but as soon as I agreed to be in a serious relationship with him, he stopped the cute texts, started withholding physical affection, and manipulated me into thinking I was crazy and the one ruining our relationship. Please be careful.”

—scienceisanart

7. When all of your friends and family dislike them.

“When all of my friends and family disliked him.

When he would build me up as being perfect, treating me like a ‘princess’ (his words) etc. so that yanking me off that pedestal when I did something wrong (like talk to a friend) was worse and I would be all the more keen to get back in to his good books.

When I heard rumors he had been abusive to others.

When he threatened me with a knife.

I’m sure others here will know that sadly it takes more than one red flag, and sometimes you don’t even know they are red flags until you are out of it!”

—hightea03

8. When they start to separate you from your friends.

“They start to separate you from your friends and family. First they don’t like your mom much. Then they don’t like her a lot. Then they don’t like when you talk to her. Rinse and repeat for everyone who can ‘help’ you in any way so you are basically alone, no help, no way to escape them.

Same thing with gas lighting. They make you feel like everything you do is irrational, and that others don’t like you and won’t help you, that everyone is out to get you and that you’re not worth helping.

It’s a pretty solid plan if you want to abuse someone and make them your property. If you see this happening to you, it’s a good that the person you’re with isn’t good for you.”

—meltybee

9. When they check up so much on you, it becomes harassment.

“Went with a friend to dinner that lasted longer than usual because we were catching up. Left the restaurant to tons of text and calls. When I called back he was fuming. We had only been seeing each other about a month at that point.”

—laurenashley7774

10. When they start trying to isolate you from your family.

“When he started trying to isolate me from my family. I had already moved out of the house to live with him, but my family lived just a couple exits up the highway so I still saw them frequently. He would make snide comments about my little sister and always try to find ways to put my father down (my dad is a colonel in the army, my ex was an enlisted soldier and he always had a bit of an insecurity complex about officers vs enlisted.) If he had plans to go out, I would make plans to see my family and then he would cancel his plans and urge me to cancel mine. He never wanted me to go to their house anymore or see them at all. And when I met him, I had just moved to the area and was a recent 17-year-old graduate who was taking a year off before starting college so I didn’t know anyone but my family, wasn’t in any position to meet anyone, and had no other connections. But he never wanted me to find other connections or continue the ones I had. That was when I first started to think ‘Yick, what is with this guy?’ but I made excuses for him. As young fools in abusive relationships often do.”

—Shark-Farts

11. When they keep accusing you of cheating and you aren’t.

“I didn’t see the red flags until 15 years later. So, going back in time, the first BIG red flag was after he grilled me about some phantom affair he thought I was having, it turned out he was cheating on me. I didn’t find out the truth until after we already married, though.”

—Stabfacenotback

12. When everything is your fault.

“Looking back, there were so many red flags earlier, but the one I first realized at the time was when we had gone shopping and it had started pouring down rain out of nowhere. Everything is your fault if you’re in an abusive relationship, according to your abuser.

Neither of us had an umbrella or anything because the weather had changed so rapidly, he then started screaming at me in the train station so badly one of the security guards had to intervene. I realized I was 18 years old, in the prime of my life and was stood here, crying and apologizing to a man for the weather while strangers attempted to diffuse his anger at me fearing the consequences. That same night a woman sat next to me on the busy train held my hand quietly as he screamed at me across the aisle.”

—widemec

13. When somebody makes you afraid of bringing up a problem you may have with them.

“The first red flag isn’t an obvious one. But essentially, if somebody makes you afraid of bringing up a problem you may have with them or responds automatically mean as shit/defensive as fuck, GET AWAY.

Within a relationship, you have the right to bring up a conversation on something that may bother you in a calm manner and that person should respond to you accordingly. Fights will happen, yes, but you should be able to talk to each other without it being a fight at the first few mentions of something that may potentially challenge them.

In my last relationship though, I came to see everything he was doing to manipulate me came to a head when I caught him in a massive lie. When I told him ‘You lied to me, by the way’ and listed the reasons why he lied to me….he simply repeated over and over ‘I didn’t lie.’ But…he did lol.”

—rainbowbarfff

14. When they need your undivided attention every day in your every waking hour.

“The need for my undivided attention every day in my every waking hour. Seriously people, clingers are bad news.”

—phenylalala9

15. When they disregard your feelings and act as if they know what’s best for you.

“Let’s break the notion that you’ll be able to notice the ‘first’ flag, because abuse doesn’t work like that. There are many, many flags that are considered abusive, but anyone can have a one-off. Your SO was jealous one time? That’s not a flag.

The first thing I notice that almost always leads to abuse is a disregard for your feelings and the notion that they know what’s best for you.

For example, my ex told me in the beginning that if I ever cheated on him, he’d kill me. It may not be entirely normal but enough people say it jokingly that you might not look twice. But he kept saying it. And eventually I told him how much it bothered me, that it wasn’t funny. And he’d apologize and quit for a day or two, but he’d always continue. That was the first time I noticed how he’d disregard my feelings.

My little sister is in a new relationship. He’s doing the same thing. She is skinny and she has some health issues that the doctors are trying to figure out, but sometimes eating physically hurts her. Her boyfriend vacillates between making her eat when she’s not hungry, and yelling at her when she eats something he doesn’t approve of. For example, she wanted a Monster. He told her it was unhealthy and bitched at her to the point that she put it back. He told her she should drink flavored water instead. She said no, but he bought one for her anyway and made her drink it. It doesn’t sound bad right now, but when someone takes your autonomy and makes your choices for you, it’s not a good sign.”

—highheelcyanide

16. When they gas light you.

“Any form of gas lighting no matter how small.

Also pre-blaming you for things they know will happen because of them. He’d tell me on vacation ‘that drink is too strong you’re just going to pass out later and we won’t be able to go out and do anything,’ but in reality it was him passing out from drinking at 9pm forcing us to stay in. Or saying ‘yeah I want to see the sunrise but you’re never going to get out of bed that early,’ yet I went and saw it and he slept until 2 hours later when I finally got him up.

When I realized it, I saw he was basically trying to make me give up on doing things so he could blame me for us not doing it, even though if I held up my end he wouldn’t hold up his. Between that and making me think my emotions were invalid when he’d upset me just made for a super manipulative relationship.”

—madguins

17. When they hide their finances from you.

“For me, the very first red flag was not communicating finances [we were married]. He would ‘give me’ a certain amount to spend, but never wanted me on his bank account. I had my own, but we had agreed on joining accounts—which is why I transferred my money to his since it had better interest rates/bank/etc. I had no access to my own money. It took him 6 months and a threaten of divorce to be put on the account. And then I saw it—he had lost ALL of our money by spending it on him damn self. I couldn’t do anything—I could even put food on the table or put gas in our cars.

The second red flag was when we adopted a puppy [this was after I began a finance boot camp with him]. The puppy would cry at night. Ex had a temper. I heard him storm into the living room, open the kennel, and shake the dog yelling ‘I will fucking SHOOT you if you don’t shut the FUCK up!’ I shot out of bed, grabbed the dog, told him he would do no such thing, and left to stay with a friend.

Another one was when we were play wrestling and he pinned me down so hard my arms started going numb. I told him to get off of me and then kneed him in the back. He punched my face. I was stunned and told him ‘didn’t your mother ever teach you not to hit a woman?’ “Nope, they’re fair game and you look like you can handle your own anyways.”

The immense guilt trip I received any time I did something for myself—driving over to a friend’s place for coffee, going on a weekend trip to the beach, going to my family’s…it was ridiculous.

There were other red flags as well, but these were the top three I could think of. It wasn’t until I told my Chain of Command some of these things that they sent me to victim advocacy. I had to be told that I was a victim of abuse. We, obviously, have since divorced and I am now happily re-married to someone who believes we are partners in life. Together, we balance each other out.”

—badgerfu

18. When they have an opinion about every single thing you do and every single person you talk to.

“The first red flag is the person having an opinion about every single thing you do and every single person you talk to, like they need to be hands on in all your dealings and activities like they are your parent or some shit. Normal people don’t want to coach your life, only fucked up people do.”

—shewshoe

19. When you tell someone else about what’s happening and they react with horror.

“When I told a coworker about things she reacted with horror. That’s the thing about abusive relationships, at least in my experience. They start off great and then slowly warp into something terrible and the abused person might not know.

I didn’t even notice what was happening to me until two years in. Looking back it blows my mind that I accepted the treatment but at the time it just seemed fine.

I was working at a coffee shop and while closing one day started chatting with a new co-worker—by this point I had been isolated from all my friends and I thought it was because I was a terrible person so was cautiously trying to make a new friend. We were drinking wine while we worked and started dishing about our men and her reaction to my ‘what happened on date night this past week’ story was horror.

It got me thinking and once I knew to look, all of the other red flags showed up.

This was also the same way I found out my parents were abusive. A friend in high school saw the bruises and cuts and when I told her I got in shit for losing a toy something she was like ‘ummmm…that is not a normal reaction to that.’”

—full-of-grace

20. When they keep casually dropping passive-aggressive comments during normal conversation.

“The casual passive-aggressive comments he would drop in normal conversation. Then the comments would become more direct, then mean, and finally just cruel. And once he saw that I would accept those, well, the floodgates of abuse just burst open.”

—scaredofmyownshadow

21. When they make you feel like shit about yourself.

“The need to question everything I did and every one I liked.

The constant need to make ME question them.

None of my pre-existing friends were ‘good to me’ in her eyes.

The need for my constant undivided attention every single waking hour.

Not being able to ‘trust me’ yet doing all of the things that made me ‘untrustworthy’ i.e., taking my phone to the toilet.

Making me feel SHIT about myself. Constantly. But also making me believe she was the only one who didn’t make me feel shit.”

—i_am_gud

22. When they always expect you to take their side, no matter how unreasonable they’re being.

“Like 3 weeks in, when he randomly started arguing with someone over some stupid shit, I sided with the other person who I thought was being reasonable. The PoS got furious at me, saying ‘I expect you to be on my side.’ Aghast and pissed, I walked away ignoring him. He suddenly started playing nice and sweet again. I should have never looked back at that point because he soon turned out to be a massively manipulative, immature, emotionally abusive piece of fucking scum. Ugh.”

—KissyKillerKitty

23. When they keep breaking up with you.

“I don’t know about the first, because it was all so gradual over the course of a few years. Things were fantastic in the beginning but the shifts caught me off guard. Also I was a young adult and have moved out of home for the first time. It was my first ‘real’ relationship and I was stupid and blind.

Some highlights:

• so clingy. Had to literally spend every minute together or else it would be a fight because ‘we are drifting apart’ (because I spent an afternoon reading a book)
• telling me I wasn’t raised correctly, nit picking every little behavior, telling me that I was something he needed to ‘fix’ because I was so messed up. Using my anxiety and depression against me.
• pressuring me to do drugs.
• constant cheating accusations
• not allowed to have friends. Could only be friends his friends.
• picking fights with me over tiny things, escalating them to the point of making me cry and then ‘look how crazy you’re acting you bitch’ Fights would only end if I apologize and promise to do better. Even if I was not in the wrong. He just liked to exert that control.
• he suddenly hated my family for no reason, me visiting them resulted in such huge fights and violence that I just avoided it. Despite the fact that my family lived five minutes away.
• he was unemployed and a drug addict, but he’d get so angry with me for ‘choosing my job over him’ because I refused to skip work.
• breaking up with me constantly, instantly retracting as soon as I’d agree. Lots of sobbing and begging to change on his end. this became an every other day occurrence toward the end.
• refused condoms, no birth control because it ‘fucks with your body’ (like seriously, your cocaine addiction doesn’t though?) So yeah, obviously I got pregnant. Had no say in anything, including my child’s name. He also pressured me to do drugs while I was pregnant, but I never gave into that.
• his addiction was my fault because I couldn’t stop him. Same with the drinking. He would get blackout drunk, pick fights with me and trash the house. Things escalated to physical abuse on almost a daily basis.
• threatening to kill himself if I ever left. Eventually that graduated to threats of killing me and my son too.

There’s so much more but it’s stressful to write about even though it’s been over 8 years. I’m grateful to my son because even though he didn’t come through the best of circumstances, he gave me the strength to finally leave when he was born.”

—magnumthepi

24. When they start smothering you, even a little.

“So I once worked as a prison warden in a prison for men who had abused their s.o. During lunch breaks I used to read their court trials, the legal reasoning interest me. During one lunch break I said to a more experienced colleague –Well, from working here and reading about all these trials I’ve learnt the importance of telling my *daughter (she was in her early teens back then) to walk out after the first strike.* –No, said my colleague, you tell her to walk out when he starts to always pick her up from work. You tell her to walk out when she wants to go out with her friends and he insists on her staying at home by saying ” but honey, I had planned to make you dinner and then we can cuddle in the sofa and watch a movie. That’s where it begins. When the first strike hits she has been controlled for a long, long time.”

—Norman3

25. When they never have anything to say about any person of the opposite sex, but especially their exes.

“Two things made me uneasy and really stand out in retrospect.

He had nothing positive to say about any woman he had ever dated, or even met. All ex-girlfriends were ‘mentally ill’ and hateful. All his friend’s girlfriends/wives were mean and overbearing. He liked his mom, but no other women.

He isolated me from my friends. He kept saying how nice it was to stay in alone and kept asking me to break established plans with friends.”

—victorontonian

26. When they constantly harass you about all your friends of the opposite sex.

“Would absolutely fall apart when the idea of me drinking around women came up.

Would call me when I went out to check if I was OK.

Constantly asking what I thought about my friends who were girls.

Obviously she ended up cheating on me.”

—DAHGS

27. When they argue about every little thing.

“Expecting me to reply within a half hour and then subsequently giving me the silent treatment to ‘punish’ me for not replying. Then complain that I didn’t care enough to check in on her when she was ignoring me.

Also arguing at every little thing and then giving the silent treatment when I didn’t agree with her on something.

Expecting me to ‘accept her for who she is,’ the smoking, drinking mess of a person who was too lazy to work for her future and expected me to give her money for everything, then blaming everything that went wrong on her abusive father.

The best(?) of all, threatening suicide when I decided I had enough and was going to cut off the relationship. That was pretty traumatic too.

P.S. sorry if this isn’t completely relevant to the question.”

—GOverlord

28. When they ‘neg’ you.

“Negging. First sign of this, run away.”

—SlanginPie

29. When there’s a voice in your head telling you something is wrong.

“Not really answering the question, but after a while there was always a ‘voice’ in the back of my head telling me that what was going on was wrong. I’d just ignore it, or convince myself that it was normal almost automatically. People would tell me that she was being abusive and everything would ring vaguely true somehow but I’d just ignore it for a million reasons. Low self-esteem being one of them, feeling somehow responsible for what they did, being the another. It wasn’t until I one day realized that I was subconsciously making excuses for them in my head that I decided to get the fuck out of there, and even though I knew at that point that the relationship was not good for me, it was still the hardest decision ever.”

—picassos_left_nut

30. When their actions make you feel anything less than equal and loved.

“There are so many red flags and scenarios that could point to an abusive relationship, but it comes down to this: If your partner’s actions make you feel guilty, worthless, defensive or making excuses, or ANYTHING less than EQUAL and LOVED—you need to get out….especially if you find yourself making excuses again for why you can’t get out.”

—Matilda__Wormwood

1. All their exes are ‘crazy.’

“All their exes are ‘crazy.’”

—thebloodofthematador

2. They are on bad terms with everyone they have ever had a relationship with.

“They are on bad terms with everyone they have ever had a relationship with (significant others, past friendships, their own family members). Nothing is ever their fault and they never acknowledge their part in conflicts.”

—weirdplz

3. They’re never the source of all the ‘drama’ in their life.

“Everything is always happening to them. Somehow they’re never the source of the drama, just everyone around them is totally insane.”

—panascope

4. They make you feel that you’re the crazy one.

“For me, a good clue is you’ll start to feel that you’re crazy around this person (because the manipulation is often extremely subtle) for the doubts or thoughts you have, and you’ve never felt like this before or don’t feel the same with other people.”

—stilnomen

5. They say mean things, then say they’re only ‘joking’ when you call them on it.

“They’re really mean. Then when you say, ‘You’re being mean,’” they say, ‘Damn dude I was just kidding. Can’t you take a joke?’”

—Vilinbynecesity

6. All their anger is justified, but none of yours is.

“All their anger is justified, but when you’re mad or upset you’re being unreasonable and sensitive and inconsiderate.”

—dingus03

7. They only contact you, talk to you, or initiate a conversation if they’re asking for something.

“They only contact you, talk to you, or initiate a conversation if they’re asking for something.”

—EmilyEggplant

8. They convince you that you’re the crazy one.

“Making you convinced that you’re the manipulator/crazy one to excuse their actions. Unfortunately, if they’re a good manipulator, it might be hard to tell while your still in the relationship.”

—-Corva-

9. They think the world is out to get them.

“I work with a toxic person.

She is known for being the center of attention until something bad happens, then the blame goes to someone else… and she will be the first person to throw you under the bus.

In her mind the world is out to get her and it isn’t fair.”

—bwurtsb

10. They embarrass and belittle you in front of other people.

“Embarrassing and belittling you in front of other people. Gas lighting you. Blaming all of their problems on everyone else—nothing is ever their fault.”

—plato_nachos

11. They don’t ‘let’ you spend time with other people.

“Not ‘allowing’ you to spend time with other people, only contacting you in times of crisis and then demanding for all of your time, swift mood changing when they don’t get their way, constantly blaming and shaming you for small things or things you didn’t do.”

—rtj9695

12. They always get their way because they can’t handle anything else.

“A person doesn’t have to be a full-blown psychopath or master manipulator to be a toxic person. They may simply lack the emotional intelligence to deal with disappointment, and genuinely believe that you are the asshole for not going along with them.

If someone always gets their way because they can’t handle anything else, they’re toxic. Don’t waste time trying to fix them or you’ll just get wrapped up in their bullshit.”

—SamuraiSpaceSquid

13. They demand more respect from you than they give to you.

“They demand more respect from you than they give to you.

They demand special treatment. You suddenly have the urge to say ‘I’m sorry’ when you’re around them, even if you’re not Canadian.”

—1ClassyMotherfucker

14. They suck the life you of you.

“1 Make you doubt yourself. You start to wonder if you’ve always been a terrible person, and no one’s told you yet.

2 They have a long list of friends that apparently all turned into assholes. There’s quite a few AMAZING friends and a whole lot of FUCKING ASSHOLES that used to be the amazing friends. These people put up with the toxic person’s shit, wizened up, and left. The common thread is the toxic person.

3 They do anything for you, especially things that are wildly over the top and public ally visible. These are not out of generosity! These are done so that the toxic person can hold them over your head down the line, and question why you don’t do more for them.

4 They convince you that no one else cares for you. This is done with a mixture between doting on you and convincing you that you’re so worthless that it’s frankly charity that the toxic person keeps you around. This alienates you from everyone else.

Honestly, some people will suck the life out of you. Don’t light yourself on fire to keep them warm. You feel alone, but I guarantee people on the periphery can see the toxic person for who they are, and will welcome you back when you break free. And if they don’t, fuck em.”

—frogdude2004

15. They constantly use ‘non-apologies,’ i.e., ‘Sorry if you thought I…’

“People who constantly use ‘non-apologies,’ i.e., ‘Sorry if you thought I…’ or something that implies the fault is your perception rather than their direct actions. It’s not a real apology and they don’t think they did jack shit wrong.

I’ve noticed that trend with certain people. 9 times out of 10, if that’s their go-to apology format, they end up being shitty people.”

—thelastyellow

16. The MINUTE that you get away from them it feels like ‘ah, I can FINALLY relax!’

“The MINUTE that you get away from them it feels like ‘ah, I can FINALLY relax!’

A lot of times you don’t realize that you’re walking on eggshells around someone who’s ‘trained’ you until you get away from them for a few minutes and realize how much better you feel.”

—poizn_ivy

17. At first they love-bomb you.

“Love-bombing. Someone who slowly integrates themselves into your every day activities, texts you all the time but not to the point of annoyance, convinces you to hang out with them all the time to the point you start neglecting your other friends, paying for everything, generally doing and saying all the right things to make you just adore them and make you think you need them. Then once they have you, the subtle insults start…then they get more frequent, then they get less subtle…until your self-worth is literally in the trash and they start yelling and screaming at you for being yourself.

Source: happened to me.”

—supermarketsweeps25

18. They slowly isolate you from your friends.

“In my experience, (with a romantic interest) they’ll start off being pretty much everything you’ve ever wanted, but things move WAY too fast. You’ll probably like the attention while also feeling like it’s too good to be true. It is. They’ll constantly be there, calling, texting, hanging around you. Before you know it they’ve moved themselves in with you.

Then they’ll slowly start picking off your friends. But they’ll make it seem like it’s in your best interest. ‘Oh, Sarah is a whore, you don’t want people to think you are too’ … ‘Chris isn’t really your friend, I know how guys think, he just wants in your pants.’ Suddenly, you have no friends. They’ll do the same to your family.

Then they’ll work on whatever you love. Hobbies, TV shows, movies, etc. Everything is stupid. Then out goes your self esteem. ‘Why do you always wear that color?’ …  ‘only whores wear that’ … ‘you look stupid with makeup’ or low-key tell you you’re fat.

After they hollowed you out to a shell of your former self the abuse really gets going. They’ll call you every name in the book then act like they never did anything when you get angry and make you look like your crazy. To them, you’re overreacting to everything but if it happens to them its the end of the world. They’re never wrong. Always the victim. Nothing is their fault.”

—Awburay

19. They delight in keeping you on edge.

“People like this delight in keeping the people around them on edge because someone who is unsure of themselves is much easier to push around. They often start small.

As an example, a guy I dated for a couple of months told me that the height I said I was incorrect. He insisted I’m an inch taller than I think I am. This conversation actually happened multiple times. It probably wouldn’t enter into a normal person’s head to contest something like that even if the other person was in the wrong, but someone who is manipulative looks for any opportunity to get you to question yourself. The goal for them is little by little you start to question yourself and rely on the manipulative person to be your compass. I got out of the relationship because something didn’t feel right and during the breakup he actually had the balls to say that entire conversations we had had never happened. Bullet dodged.”

—Nocoonamesleft10

20. You have a gut feeling that something’s wrong with them.

“A big grain of salt: these people are crazy fun to be friends while while you’re friends. The attention, the intimacy, the hijinks. Possibly the best time of your life. But the high is always followed by a crash and if you don’t see it coming, this crash is going to make you question your ability to read people.

There’s no best way to identify toxic people but generally if you have a suspicion or gut feeling, there’s a reason. Try to be tactful but bring it up with your friend, especially if you keep getting the feeling but can’t figure out why on your own. They’ll either work with you or accelerate the process of working against you. Either way you should be better off in the long run.”

—Awesomebox5000

21. They will tell you that you don’t actually feel the way you say you do.

“Toxic people will often challenge you on how / why events happened. It’s either because they’re deliberately trying to gaslight you, or they’re so narcissistic that they’ve already internally rationalized the event to support their needs.

Toxic people will also challenge you on your feelings—they will tell you that you don’t actually feel a certain way or that you ought not to feel a certain way.”

—bebemochi

22. They needle you constantly, then call you ‘defensive’ when you react.

“In my experience—people who needle you to get you upset to make you look unreasonable.

I’ve worked in a few toxic environments and have had some real masters of passive-aggression in my life. In this case, they love to needle the hell out of you, overload you with work, and then pick-pick-pick at you until you react, and then its, ‘Woah woah woah!!! Why are you getting so defensive? and flustered?’

Fuck those people.

Other kinds of manipulation include people who basically shift all social interaction and behavior to conform to their whims and desires and enforce this with emotional extremes- either anger, pouting, or self-pity. In short, if you feel like you’re ‘walking on eggshells’ with this person when there is no legitimate reason for you to be doing so- that person is toxic- and it’s time to get away.”

—NYArtFan1

23. They give you backhanded compliments.

“You also have to keep in mind that flattery is insincere and not the same as complimenting or reassuring someone. The false compliments are a subtle way of bringing up an insecurity so that you’re thinking about it again and again. It’s also different than a backhanded compliment, which is more obviously insulting. I’ll give an example:

You’re dating a very overweight woman who feels self-conscious about her looks. How do you treat her?

Normal, supportive partner: Offer support, tell her that you love her for who she is and think she’s beautiful, tell her you’re attracted to her

Abusive partner:

For comparison’s sake, here’s a backhanded compliment that an abusive partner may make. It’s fairly obvious that this is cruel. I love big women! You don’t have that whole ‘beauty queen’ thing going on. Or A lot of women your size would never wear something that short, but I like how confident you are!

The subtle trait in question, flattering your insecurities: You may tell her outright that she’s very thin, introduce her to your friends as ‘Jane the bikini model,’ tell her that you’re worried about breaking her bones during sex because she’s so slender, point out young women in mini skirts and tell her that she’d look hot in something like that, act surprised and confused if she has weight-related health issues.

There’s a really slimy feel to it. It’s a compliment, and compliments are nice, but these leave you feeling worse about yourself.”

—ThePillThePatch

24. They don’t tell you when they’re upset.

“They don’t tell you when they’re upset, they just imply it and give you cold shoulders until you ask them and cater to them. Also, if they do this but then invalidate you when YOU are upset.”

—sidewaysbedtime

25. They have lots of former friends who are all assholes or bitches.

“They have lots of former friends who are all assholes or bitches.

Their current social group haven’t known them that long.

Toxic people can’t keep friends for long.

Some people can be manipulative without being assholes. I managed to manipulate a female friend into moving away to a different city so she could get away from her abusive ex.”

—babyreadsalot

26. They make you doubt yourself.

“They make you doubt yourself. You could be 100% sure that you are correct, but they will somehow make you doubt the facts.

They often work on small basis of truths, and manipulate/exaggerate them. It must make it easier for them to remember their lies.

They will make you feel like you owe them. They’ve done you a little favor? My God, they will hold it against you forever.

They put themselves on a pedestal. They can do no wrong, while everything you say or do is wrong.

They will make you feel like you are crazy.”

—gabdmm

27. You feel more insecure around them than anyone else yet still feel very drawn to them.

“When you feel more insecure around them than anyone else yet still feel very drawn to them. When someone is constantly pointing out your flaws but wrapping it in a compliment so you cant really get mad.. when you go back over conversations with that person in your mind and realize they were manipulating you and you literally had no clue at the time. To me the most toxic people are the ones who do it so well. LISTEN TO YOUR CLOSE FRIENDS if they say things don’t seem right. Sometimes your too close to the situation to realize whats going on.”

—shutupmeggie

28. They demand respect, yet show little to no respect for you.

They act differently in front of you vs their ‘friends’ or coworkers.

They will blame you for ANYTHING that could possibly be their fault by twisting your words to make you at fault.

They demand respect, yet show little to no respect for you.

They try to control your life, ex: asking questions about your whereabouts, what you’re doing, etc.

They always try to one-up you, ex: You might say you had a hard day, they’ll say something along of the day they had was hard as well, then describe why they had a worse day than you.

They will always try to get the last word in, in an argument. >
Source: I was raised by a narcissist.”

—Shadowhunter11

29. They try to convince you to stop seeing your friends and do whatever they can to keep you away from your family.

“When they try to convince you to stop seeing your friends and do whatever they can to keep you away from your family. That’s a HUGE RED FLAG that you need to leave the relationship.

Also, when they NEVER have anything good to say. Everything is always a complaint or everything consists of something bad happening to them. And all their friends are ‘assholes.’

Source: Been there.”

—MADDOGCA

30. They lie when they have no reason to.

“They lie when they have no reason to. If lying has been made habit, it means they have done it a lot. If you hear a lie, where the truth has no consequence, you can never trust another word out of their mouth.

Everything is your fault. Is there a misunderstanding between you two? Was it due to them miscommunicating to you? Did they provoke you to do what it is you did? Did they entrap you in any way? Well… it’s all your fault. You made them act the way they did, and there is no consequence for them making you act the way you did. If you ever apologize to this, they own you.

Gaslighting. This is where they insist that your memory is wrong. Whether they convince you that you misheard them, said something you didn’t say, did something you didn’t do, etc., your recollection is always wrong. This is meant to train you to not question their judgement, since you no longer trust your own. If they get you in this trap they can feed you lies, that you know are lies! But then you think that what you know is wrong, so they must be telling the truth.

Guilt trips. Did you have to cancel spending time with them to see your family? Well they’ll make you feel so terrible about it you don’t enjoy one second of the outing, and when you come back home you will apologize profusely. You will make it up to them like an indentured servant.”

—KlassikKiller

31. Everything is everyone else’s fault.

“Everything is everyone else’s fault.

They get fired? Their boss is an asshole.

They don’t have any friends? because people are bitches and can’t deal with their honesty.

Their relationship is on the rocks? their SO doesn’t get them.

the list goes on and on…”

—notasugarbabybutok

32. Anytime there is juicy drama gossip around, they have to use it till they wear a hole in it.

“Everything you aspire to is ‘impossible’ or ‘not worth doing’ – I’m not talking about ‘I’m going to be a rock star’ or ‘I’m going to join NASA,’ I’m talking about simple things like major purchases and whatnot, they just point out how impossible and hard it is. Yes, I am a toxic person myself, that’s why I do my best to quarantine myself from other humans. Sadly, some of this negativity can be truth.

They have some judgmental comment about any person other than themselves that they bring up. They wonder why you don’t have kids yet past 30, or why you did not get a promotion in 3 years, or why you don’t own a newer car, or have a better home, or don’t do this or that. They make you feel bad for it.

Anytime there is juicy drama gossip around, they have to use it till they wear a hole in it. IE, they know you don’t like someone, so they send it around to everyone else, and then claim YOU are the one spreading gossip. These people need hunted like a wild animal and their skin used to make a leather jacket.”

—CrankyDude16bit

33. They make you doubt yourself.

“They make you doubt yourself. You could be 100% sure that you are correct, but they will somehow make you doubt the facts.

They often work on small basis of truths, and manipulate/exaggerate them. It must make it easier for them to remember their lies.

They will make you feel like you owe them. They’ve done you a little favour? My God, they will hold it against you forever.

They put themselves on a pedestal. They can do no wrong, while everything you say or do is wrong.

They will make you feel like you are crazy.”

—gabdmm

34. They take advantage of your kindness.

“When they take advantage of your kindness. When they twist and turn your entire life to their needs and desires. As other have said, the narcissistic quality of blaming others but never themselves. When they make you feel like complete and utter shit for not helping one time, for not being there at the right time.

When…they manipulate you to do things you normally would never do because they’d kill themselves otherwise. When they make you focus each and every fiber of your limited being to their satisfaction. When they force guilt on you for you being the reason they want to off themselves because one thing you did that they did not like…leaving you so, so confused.

Continue to be kind…but never let someone take advantage of you. 8 year old idealistic me would be disappointed in me because I never go out of my way for people anymore. But alas…I cannot be blamed, not after that.”

—Liberator786

35. They try to tell you what your intentions are.

“They try to tell you what your intentions are. ‘You only do that because,’ etc.”

—BurberryCustardbath

36. They gaslight you.

“Gaslighting—making out that you’re crazy or confused by strenuously denying an event, action or speech ever happened, making you doubt yourself and go crazy from the lack of recognition of your feelings.

Also, saying shit like: ‘If you loved me, you’d let me do xyz.’”

—McChubbin 

1. We all knew from the start that he was a bad seed.

“My aunt has a terrible child. We all knew from the start that he was a bad seed, except for her. That was her ‘baby and he didn’t need to see a therapist or get on medication.’ Starting around 4/5, he would torture animals. His favorite was kittens. My aunt would not get her cat fixed so the cat kept having kittens. My cousin would torture all of them. The things he did to them is horrifying. I won’t post details because it will make you sick. When he was around 11 he would chase me around with a butcher knife and talk about how he wanted to slice open my stomach. The torturing of animals never stopped. My aunt never sought help for him. My aunt bought some chickens one day to raise and get their eggs. He eventually killed them and laid their heads on his sister’s pillow that spelled out the first initial of her name. All because she wouldn’t buy him, a minor, cigarettes. He is in his mid-20s now and is constantly in and out of jail. My aunt doesn’t believe in medication for mental health nor does she believe in psychiatrists. She thinks that because she is his mother, she can solve his issues. My mom and I are afraid he is going to kill her one day.”

—StarfishGoo

2. He will randomly just go up and push direct strangers over or into trees/objects.

“My aunt’s kid is a complete psychopath, he’s 12 now and can barely have a single conversation with anyone, he has huge issues being around people and will randomly just go up and push direct strangers over or into trees/objects. He barely speaks a word and spends all of his time on Minecraft, his whole life is that game and trying to do anything with him that doesn’t involve this is horrible, my entire family refuses to go out in public with him and he is not invited over for Christmas.

The last time he stayed with us, feeling sorry for him but heeding my family’s warnings, I took him to the movies, he refused to change and wore his pajamas, the theater I took him to has 2 big flights of stairs (Gold railings, red carpet, ultra-nice) whilst buying tickets I turn around to see him Sparta-kick a 6-year-old down the flight of stairs and then scream and spit at the mother….I was in horror and both the mother and me froze, and he just sat there laughing. I then took him home and uninstalled Minecraft and changed the Wi-Fi password (Day 1 of 7).

The next 6 days was like watching someone coming down from heroin, with my entire family begging for me to give him the Wi-Fi password, which I refused, to which during Christmas Eve he proceeded to try light our Christmas tree on fire and break every present, luckily my Dad caught him and booted them both out of our house.

Looking at my aunt, the kid never had a chance, a product of divorced parents, with them pushing him to learn the flute and refused to take him to any outside activities, his father is constantly working, so just left him alone to play Minecraft….”

—Jsplit

3. Thinking of her makes me want to die of shame.

“She started acting out when she was about 12 and got worse and worse. We did all kinds of therapy, private schools, rehabs. We tried everything. Her dad, her stepdad, and all of her grandparents were on board with me trying to help her. But we couldn’t keep her from sneaking out and getting in trouble unless we were willing to have someone up and watching her 24/7. It was exhausting. She’s now just turned 28. I haven’t spoken to her in about 6 months. She never changed. You can’t trust her to have a visit because she will steal from you.

I think when I realized that she was never going to change was when I bought her a plane ticket to help me move into my new place shortly after the death of her stepfather and she couldn’t be bothered to stop partying long enough to get on a plane. This was the last time I tried hard to be close with her. She was about 22 when this happened.
It’s the great tragedy of my existence. She’s my only biological child and when people ask me if I have kids I lie and say no because thinking of her makes me want to die of shame.”

—BelindaTheGreat

4. There is something evil in her that can never be fixed.

“My aunt’s two oldest children killed her youngest child. They were 15 and 10, the victim was 6.

The older sister was the instigator, and always had been. My aunt and uncle were broke (he refuses to work and was always starting some kind of get-rich-quick business), and argued a lot and had been separated for a time, but there was no physical abuse in the home, especially not toward the kids. But the sister was always a problem, and her dad tried to control it on his own because I think they both couldn’t admit that she wasn’t just a confused kid, she was a psychopath. She was on antidepressants for a while but they took her off because she was too zoned-out in school. She manipulated her brother who had learning disabilities into taking the blame for a lot of their earlier troublemaking, and she would make outlandish claims about her parents torturing her when she got in trouble at school (once she was only in trouble for stealing a lollipop out of her teacher’s desk and she still got CPS involved in order to distract from her own crime). There is something evil in her that can never be fixed, she has no capacity for empathy. I’ve been told that relatives could tell something was wrong when she was a year old.

She was charged as an adult, has been denied parole each time but will exhaust her maximum sentence in 9 years. He was sent to a facility for teenagers, released when he was 17 and my aunt put him in counseling and intensive church groups for both of them but he was never able to forgive himself and took his life in 2014. The parents divorced shortly after the kids were convicted and my aunt led a grief group through her church but has been inconsolable since the suicide. She is a beautiful person, with so much love for others and it is so hard to understand how she could be dealt this hand in life.”

—PritchNotes

5. I am 100% sure my little brother is going to grow up to be a rapist or abuser or is going to murder his wife someday.

“I’m not a parent, but I am 100% sure my little brother is going to grow up to be a rapist or abuser or is going to murder his wife someday. I can see it in the way he treats girls. He’s only nine, but he talks down to me and my mother as if we know nothing and he’s constantly going on about how girls have it easy and should just stay home and take care of their kids (because my mother has to work to support us). He says they’re stupider and freaks out if any girl does something he doesn’t like, his peers included.

He’s also been abusive toward our pets and has gotten suspended from school too many times to count since the time he was in preschool. He’s been kicked out of two schools so far for getting into fights with people. Don’t worry, I do not tolerate the abusiveness towards the pets, I would rather push him and get grounded for two weeks than let the dog be kicked….

Parents don’t realize they’re raising terrible people. My mother insists that he’s a good kid and just needs a little extra help with some things. He is horrible, but she doesn’t see it. She babies him, I personally think because he was born dead and revived so she has more sympathy for him. She only pays attention to whichever one of her kids she thinks needs the attention, and ignores the other.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not an angel. I can often be really mean, and I have a short temper. But I’ve never seen a child as evil as the 9-year-old that lives in my home, many other people have said the same things about him to me, but my mother just is either incredibly dense or pretends it isn’t there.”

—linkinnnn

6. I heard horror stories growing up about my brother, how he hit the cat, or lit the rug on fire, or wet the bed for year.

“My older brother very well falls into the ‘terrible person’ category. We had a pretty big age gap, and I missed a lot of what transpired between my parents and my brother, but as I’m aging, I’m starting to understand a lot more. I’m getting pieces of the story from him and our mother, as our father passed away years ago now.

I heard horror stories growing up about my brother, how he hit the cat, or lit the rug on fire, or wet the bed for years and they were always sorta used as a measure for me, as the younger sibling, to do better. I didn’t really register that they were really awful things as a kid, other than ‘things I shouldn’t do.’

He had trouble in high school and ended up only getting a GED. He spent years jumping from job to job as he most often would end up fired from one place or another for various reasons. When I went to community college, I tried to get him to go with me. He’s plenty smart enough to go to school, just terrible at attending; he dropped out shortly after….

I don’t want to go into too much detail….He’s a loose cannon, he definitely has emotional issues and he won’t seek help for them. He’s a pathological liar and slick enough to talk his way out of most things, especially with a therapist/psychologist. He isn’t self-sufficient and relies on everyone else for everything. Believe me, once I’m all he has left, he’s going to get self-sufficient really quick.

The thing that really fucks me up at the end of the day, in this long debate about nature v. nurture or eco-evo-devo, whichever.

How big a part does genetics really play in this? If I have children at some point, will I end up with someone like my brother? What are the chances of that?”

—sibthrowaway1111

7. Police caught him killing people’s pets.

“I can’t speak for my parents, but I can speak for myself when talking about my brother.

My brother is five years older than me and my parents have been heavily abusive my entire life. I was diagnosed with autism when I was six and my parents immediately pulled me from public school and ‘homeschooled’ me. My only interaction with another kid was with my brother. While I shied away and withdrew, my brother acted out, and horribly so.

I think I realized it about a year after I was pulled out of school. My brother had taken me out of the house. I was excited, but we soon met up with what I could only describe as a gang. Now, I know they had gotten my brother at an early age (12). The conversation immediately changed from my brother talking to me about lighthearted topics to a laughing, mocking conversation about blood and gore with the older members he’d met up with. All I could do was watch. I remember thinking that my brother was not a good person, and that I couldn’t ever see him becoming a good person. And I was right.

Half a year later, he was arrested and thrown in juvenile detention for assault. He got out after a few months, as my abusive father is a lawyer, and was back in six months later because police had caught him killing people’s pets. The pattern continued and continued and when he was 15, he got out and didn’t go back. That was because when he turned 17, his long-term boyfriend had him arrested for repeated sexual assault and abuse. He was tried as an adult and is now in prison.

I think it’s probably the fault of our parents. This was about a year and a half ago. I didn’t turn out like he did, but I’m under the impression that abuse affects people in different ways. I’m not sure why I turned out differently, but his behavior and our parents’ behavior affected me a lot. I still wonder what my brother would’ve been like had he not developed the way he had.”

—ritsan

8. He told my cousins how he would kill them and their mom and who he would kill first.

“My aunt has a son who has always been ‘different’ so to speak. He has always been very violent, liked bloody movies especially of women being tormented/tortured/killed. He has been known to try and spy on women changing/showering, he was actually caught hiding in a closet when our other cousin was living with them, he also tried to make a hole in the wall to spy on her. Whenever I would stay over I would lock the door while I showered and every single time he ‘had’ to go to the bathroom but would not get out until I called his mom to get him out. He told my cousins (his sisters) how he would kill them and their mom and who he would kill first. He does/says really violent things and doesn’t show any remorse. He also would watch me sleep when I had to babysit one summer. after that first morning I was legit terrified of going back to sleep when my aunt left for work. He would always touch their dogs’ private regions and would always take him into the bathroom and locked the door (no one knew what he would do but you can only guess) whenever I was around I would immediately call him out on it and told him it was never okay to touch an animal like that, his mom never said anything but as soon as someone would say something about him she would hit him but it was because she was actually angry at the person for saying anything and took it out on him, she refuses to get him help but has no issue calling my siblings and I pieces of shit considering we’re actually in lot better situations than her and her children. I cut off contact years ago, my dad has some really fucked up family and I don’t like to associate myself with them.”

—Ab0094

9. He tortured me physically, mentally, and sexually for over a decade.

“My older brother is a sadist with some type of antisocial personality disorder. (I suspect sociopathy.)

He tortured me physically, mentally, and sexually for over a decade. He always told me he would kill me if I told. I believed him.

A few times, I became suicidal. Instead of actually killing myself, I disclosed the abuse so that he would kill me.
Obviously, that didn’t work out the way I planned. They would send him to some type of treatment/intervention where he would learn new tricks of the abuser trade. He would pretend to have an epiphany and they’d scale back on the supervision until he had full access to his favorite victim all over again.

My mother has known that he is different and can’t be trusted since he was a toddler. My dad’s mom said that he was ‘born mean.’ My dad thinks he’s perfectly fine.

He would slit all our throats for bragging rights.

It’s a terrifying existence.”

—MaidMilk

10. Mark my words, this kid is gonna kill someone someday.

“Both of my kids are pretty OK.

But my brother’s youngest child is a sociopath. I won’t even visit anymore because I’m scared he will hurt my kids. My brother doesn’t see it at all. Says ‘boys will be boys.’ Most boys don’t torture the neighbors’ pets.

Anyways in this case it is at least in part due to permissive parenting. This kid never gets punished or corrected for anything ever and he always gets what he wants. Nothing is ever his fault. Ever. One time he beat up the autistic kid across the street because the kid asked to play with him. My brother said it was the other parents fault for letting the kid go outside in the first place and that they should just ‘keep him inside.’ Lol. This was in a nice subdivision full of 300k+ homes. Not the first or last kid he’s messed up, either.

Mark my words, this kid is gonna kill someone someday, I have no doubt. I’m just staying as far out of the picture as possible so that it’s not me or one of my kids.”

—littleln

11. I’m terrified of ending up talking to a reporter about how I never thought my brother would end up a serial killer who kidnapped and tortured young blonde women in his basement.

“I’m scared to death for my little brother. He’s now 15 and I don’t even fear prison for him anymore, I fear much worse. The first red flag was that he didn’t seem to understand the concept of property. If he saw something he wanted, he would just take it. This has ranged from everyday objects, to electronics, to cash.

Looking back the first sign, which seemed innocent at the time, was that anything he didn’t agree with or didn’t fully understand was ‘stupid.’ And a lot of kids say that but it plays into the same hand here. He appears to have no concept of the feelings or emotions of others. He is not just selfish, because that would imply not caring about others, he seems to genuinely not understand that other people are real and have feelings. He never grew out of temper tantrums. Full on screaming, crying, stomping, throwing things, trying to hurt people.

He is even worse with animals. He got a pet fish as a kid and decided to throw it as hard as he could against the wall just to see what would happen. He doesn’t understand you have to be careful picking an animal up and you can’t just grab their tail or whatever part of them and yank. Animals are terrified of him. A few years ago he got caught shooting a stray cat with an airsoft gun. He showed remorse only in that he got caught.

It escalated when he got into a rougher group of friends. They started giving him drugs. As far as I know he never consumed any, but who knows? More recently we found he had some videos of our sister in the shower. My dad hasn’t done enough to curb the behavior, since he’s the golden child, but I can’t blame it entirely on that. It’s just that my dad just grounding him for everything, then caving in and letting him out of his room because my dad wants him to be a hockey star doesn’t help.

I stopped worrying so much about prison now, and ever since the incident with my sister, who won’t even be in the same room as him, I worry that he is going to get even hornier as he ages, and one day that lack of empathy is going to lead him to rape. And I worry one day a woman will fight him and he will lose his temper on her and murder her.

I’m terrified of ending up talking to a reporter about how I never thought my brother would end up a serial killer who kidnapped and tortured young blonde women in his basement. I’m terrified of having the suffering of others on my conscience because even though he’s not my son or my responsibility, that I should have done SOMETHING.”

—HeliraLaordyn

12. It is quite scary to loosely observe someone growing up to potentially become a ‘sociopath’ like this.

“My uncle is basically raising a ‘criminal’ (hopefully not) without realizing it.

Both my uncles and aunts are very successful doctors in our country and are often busy so my cousin was raised by maids in a spoiled and neglected environment that constantly feeds his ego. growing up I remember he would get everything he wants, and if anyone does not ‘please’ him (such as giving him a particular toy he wants, or making jokes at him), he would throw the biggest fit. it doesn’t help that whenever he throws a fit his dad would yell at the person doing it, including my aunts, uncles, and even grandma (seniority is pretty serious in my family and he’s always been my grandma’s favorite).

Fast-forward to a couple of years ago when his family visited the us (where my family lives). They were staying at my house and he started to yell at his little sister for some stupid reason. I politely told him that it wasn’t nice to yell at his little sister when it was uncalled for. He replied, ‘do you really think you can argue with me?’ I calmly told him that I’m not arguing with him, I simply am telling him that he shouldn’t yell at his sister when she didn’t do anything wrong. He repeats the same sentence above, forgetting the fact that I’m older than him and actually have more seniority than him in the family (my dad is the oldest, his dad is the 2nd oldest in a family of 8 siblings so his dad has a lot of seniority power back in our country). At this point I just had it with him and told him that I’m not arguing with him, and since I’m older than him and he’s living in my family’s house he better behave and respect everyone in my family, at which point he starts throw a fit (he’s 15 at the time), in which his dad, fortunately, told him to apologize to me (probably because of the whole seniority thing)

Fast-forward to a few months ago after my brother visited the homeland and got the family updates. since he grew up with a big ego (rich family with my uncle constantly reminds him of his status) and doesn’t know how to interact with people peacefully, he never had friends growing up. not only that, he’s starting to develop an interest in chemistry and explosives. Last I’ve heard my uncle had to get rid of a bunch of tools he bought to explore more into the explosives. as my brother dug deeper into the situation, he found a bunch of internet searches and histories that this kid has been making that would definitely prompted quite a few FBI visits if he was living in the United States.

I honestly don’t know what came out of that and how he is now. It is quite scary to loosely observe someone growing up to potentially become a ‘sociopath’ like this. Hope it’s just a phase.”

—brianaugust

13. He has always been kind of weird around younger kids.

“My aunt’s child is horrible, we are the same age but he has done some very questionable things. Most of these include being violent to younger children, he expressed how he wanted to hurt my niece. He has always been kind of weird around younger kids which leads most of our family to believe he may be pedophilic or just abusive. He was raised pretty badly, a careless mother who thinks he is always innocent and a mentally abusive father. He also suffers from ADHD and has Tourette’s Syndrome.”

—LikeAnAppleFritter

No Contact from a narcissistic or otherwise abusive, toxic ex-partner can be a rewarding and challenging time. Survivors of emotional and/or physical abuse are not only paving a new path to freedom and rebirth, they may also be struggling with the effects of cognitive dissonance, fear, obligation and guilt (FOG), as well as the traumatic effects of the abuse on their minds, bodies and spirits. They may also encounter stalking or harassment from their abusive partners in their attempts to detach from them, especially if they ‘dared’ to leave those partners first.

Due to biochemical and trauma bonding with their abusers, survivors may also struggle to not contact their ex-partner or check up on them due to being conditioned to rely upon their abuser’s approval and validation during the abuse cycle as a survival mechanism.

Considering the fact that detoxing from an abusive relationship is very much like recovering from an addiction, ‘rehab’ from this type of toxicity needs to be addressed in a way that is both compassionate and empowering.

These positive affirmations can help you reconnect back to your sense of reality when you may be plagued by emotional flashbacks, triggers or cravings to reconnect with an abusive partner. I’ve also included brief explanations of each affirmation, in case any of them need further clarification in order to better appreciate the underlying meaning for each.

For those who may have implemented Low Contact due to co-parenting with an abuser, you can feel free to customize these various phrases to best suit your situation. You may also want to brainstorm your own affirmations that are best tailored to your unique needs and desires.

1. Every act of silence is a protection against psychological violence.

Every time you choose not to check up on, respond or reach out to an abusive ex-partner, you demonstrate that you value yourself, you value your time, your new life and your right not to be subjected to abuse or mistreatment. You protect yourself from traumatizing information or emotional violence that could further retraumatize you and ensnare you back into an abuse cycle. A cycle that can only expose you to more pain, heartache and a pervasive sense of hopelessness. You have escaped from the abuse – don’t let yourself reenter the cycle right back into a seemingly inescapable situation again. It can get more and more difficult to leave each time you do.

2. I have a right to be free from abuse. Every human being has that right and I do, too.

We have to remember that we are just like any other human being – including those who have never been in an abusive relationship or those who have never tolerated any form of abuse if they encountered it. They had the right not to be abused and we do too. This is not to blame or shame anyone who has stayed in an abusive relationship; there are many reasons why abuse survivors stay well beyond the first incident of abuse, including the trauma repetition cycle that arises due to subconscious wounding from childhood. This is simply a reminder that there are many people who are in healthy relationships – and as a human being, you are so worthy of the same.

3. No one can take away the power I have within me.

It may come as a surprise to you, but narcissistic abusers don’t actually hold any authentic inner power – they take away power from others because they have none within themselves. They have no sense of core identity – they need us more than we need them (even if it feels otherwise). They leech off of our light – we are their life source, their narcissistic supply and they are the energetic vampires who live off our resources, our talents, and our empathy and compassion.

4. My will is stronger than an abuser’s attempts to bully me.

If you’re suffering from PTSD or Complex PTSD and you’re hearing your abuser’s voice and/or are being met with hoovering attempts to shame you back into the abuse cycle, you’re not alone. Many survivors of abuse are left reeling from the bullying behavior of their ex-partner. They cannot understand why their abusive ex-partner refuses to leave them alone, stalks or harasses them, or even goes so far as to flaunt their new source of supply to them as a way to provoke them. Remember: the abuser’s tactics cannot work on you as effectively if you are willing to prioritize your freedom over their attempts to bully you. The bullying may hurt and you will have to address it as you process the trauma, but where there is a strong will, there is an even stronger survivor who can meet any challenge along the way.

5. I am stronger than empty threats.

Abusive ex-partners may smear you, slander you or even threaten to release personal information about you, especially if you ‘discard’ them first due to narcissistic rage and injury. They want to regain power and control to put you through an even worse discard and essentially ‘win’ the break-up or save face after the ending of the relationship. Much of these are empty threats. It’s true that more dangerous narcissists may follow through with their threats, but the point is that you can choose how you respond to their threats. You have choices and options to protect yourself and document those threats in case you need to ever take legal action. You can go to law enforcement if you have to (and feel safe doing so). You can also seek support from a lawyer and/or counselor who can offer you insights into your particular situation. What you don’t have to do is give into the threats of emotional blackmail and go back into an abusive relationship only to be terrorized in an even worse fashion than before. Who wants to be in a relationship where you are coerced back in?

6. I will defend and protect myself, no matter what.

Whether that means getting a restraining order, changing your number or blocking them from all social media platforms, do whatever you need to do to protect yourself from the narcissist’s manipulation and abuse on your journey to No Contact (or Low Contact if co-parenting). You don’t deserve to be retraumatized, in any shape, way or form. Seek support from your local domestic violence shelter (yes, emotional abuse is still violence), find a trauma-informed therapist, research local support groups, Meetups or group therapy focused on trauma recovery and support. Find any and all support you can to help build and reinforce the fortress of protection around you. The more quality support you have, the more confident you’ll be in moving forward without your toxic ex-partner.

7. I never give up; I keep going.

No matter how difficult it becomes, you never give up. Even if you make a mistake, all is not lost. How do you beat an addiction? You don’t let imperfection impede you from progressing on your path. You keep going. If you fell off the wagon and broke No Contact (whether by checking up on the narcissist or responding to them), don’t judge yourself too harshly. Self-judgment leads to the same sense of unworthiness that leads you back into looking for validation from toxic people. Instead, get back on the wagon and commit yourself to the journey even more fully. Practice mindfulness and radical acceptance of any urges you might have without acting upon them and participating in more self-sabotage. Know that every setback is simply bringing up the core wounds you need to heal in order to move forward with even more strength and determination than before. Understand the triggers that led to your decision to break No Contact to mitigate them in the future and grieve for the illusion the narcissistic abuser presented to you (the ‘false mask’ they presented). Know that this person never truly existed and that the promise of a relationship that was fabricated in the idealization phase led you to an investment that ultimately led to more loss than gain.

8. My life is worth more than empty promises.

When a narcissistic abuser is hoovering you, they are re-idealizing you and making the same promises they made in the beginning of the relationship. They promised to change, to love and care for you, to always support you and be there for you. Yet they invalidated, belittled and degraded you instead. These empty promises are just another way to control and coerce you back into the abuse cycle. Don’t feed into the illusion of what the relationship could have been. Instead, acknowledge it for what it was: moments of terror merged with false promises that were never carried out. You deserve more than empty promises: you deserve the real thing. The true promise of a new and healthier life awaits you: make a promise to yourself that you will pursue that new reality instead.

9. This is life or death and I choose life. Every time.

Many abuse survivors have a high level of resilience as well as a pain threshold that could rival a sumo wrestler or someone walking on hot coals without so much as a grimace. Even if you feel like you can ‘deal with’ further abuse even after the break-up, consider that this is truly a life or death situation. If you are escaping from a physical abuser, this affirmation hits home. Yet even if you’re coming out of an emotionally abusive relationship, it also holds weight. I know many might not think of emotional violence as a life or death situation, but considering the suicides that occur from bullying and domestic violence and the fact that domestic violence survivors are actually at a higher risk of committing suicide, it is truer than we think. Each time we sacrifice our peace of mind for one more ‘hit’ of the abuse rather than detoxing from the relationship, we also belittle, demean and abuse ourselves.  These incidents build up collectively to reenact the same sense of hopelessness we had during the abusive relationship and can pose severe harm to our psyche over time due to the cumulative impact of traumatic and retraumatizing experiences. By breaking No Contact, we convince ourselves that we are unworthy of something more than being with a toxic person. In the case of life or death, be sure to choose your new life without your abuser…each and every time.

10. Loneliness is infinitely better than any form of abuse.

After an abusive relationship, we may begin to romanticize our ex-partner in times of loneliness. We might even wonder if it was ‘worth’ leaving the abuse since we now feel so alone. We may have mixed emotions about our abuser as the “good times” come flooding back in the absence of our abuser.

The ‘good memories’ we had with our abuser never justify the abuse or make up for them. Loneliness can be a sign that you are working through and processing the trauma. It’s a sign that you may need to be more present with yourself and surround yourself with better support networks. It’s also a sign that you are in dire need of learning to enjoy your own company. Acknowledge and validate the loneliness, but don’t resist it by pursuing more toxic people or going back to the same toxic relationship. Survivors often need a period of self-isolation to reflect and recover from the trauma before they date or pursue new friendships. Take this time to heal and don’t rush the process: it’s very much needed in order for you to be in an optimal state of mental health. The more healed you are, the better the quality of your future relationships will be, whether with new friends and/or partners.

11. I deserve so much more than to be an emotional punching bag.

When you’re in an abusive relationship, you are not in a healthy, reciprocal relationship. You are an emotional punching bag for an immature and unstable person. They get to take all of their flaws, their insecurities, their internal garbage and spew it onto you. Throughout the relationship, you were trained by your abuser to ‘take it’ as a natural part of being in a relationship with them. No more. You deserve more than to be someone’s emotional punching bag. You deserve a mutually respectful relationship where love and compassion are the default.

12. I can communicate my feelings to people who deserve to hear my voice.

We don’t have to use our voice with people who are committed to misunderstanding, invalidating and mistreating us. We can reserve our energy and time for people who are willing to see our beautiful qualities and celebrate them. We can use our voice for people who truly want to help us, who appreciate our help and reciprocate our efforts. Instead of wasting your precious voice on people who will always be intent on silencing you, why not use it to help those who really need it, to comfort someone who is just as empathic and compassionate as you are, to receive insights from a trusted professional or to share your story and change the world? I guarantee you that helping people who are actually able to evolve (and this includes yourself!) is a much better use of your voice than trying to convince a person without empathy to treat you well. It’s more likely to be effective, too!

13. My mental health is my number one priority.

Make sure you’re engaging in extreme self-care during the No Contact journey. This means checking with yourself every moment of the day to ensure that you are thinking healthy thoughts, taking advantage of the diverse healing modalities available to you, and addressing any symptoms of trauma that may be interfering with your ability to function in day-to-day life. If your mental health is suffering, all other aspects of your life will also feel the impact. So take care of yourself – and don’t be afraid to seek professional support if you need it. No one should have to go through this turmoil alone.

14. Staying sane is more important than being validated by an abuser.

Often when we have been devalued by an abuser, we become controlled by the need to be validated by them as ‘worthy.’ This need becomes especially amplified when we see that the abuser seems to have moved on with a new victim. This is because the abuser was the source of our pervasive sense of unworthiness throughout the abuse cycle and we now feel as if we need confirmation that we were not the problem. Unfortunately, the reality is that narcissistic abuse will inevitably leave us without any closure from the toxic ex-partner. Narcissists are masters of impression management and they rarely expose what is actually happening behind closed doors – so all you are likely to see is them idealizing their victims for the public, just like they did with you. That’s why you must prioritize your own sanity by accepting that while you may never get closure or confirmation of your worth from the narcissist, you can find ways of cultivating your own belief in your self-worth. This means stepping away from the narcissist’s public façade and investing in living your own best life.

15, 16, and 17. I trust my own reality. I know and trust what I experienced and felt. I validate myself.

These are a set of affirmations that can help you to resist the gaslighting attempts of your ex-partner or their harem.

This affirmation is here to remind you that despite the amount of people your abuser may have fooled, no one has the right to take away the reality of the abuse that you endured. You know what you experienced – you know how valid it was and the impact that it left upon you. It doesn’t matter how charming the narcissistic abuser is or who chooses to believe them; let their harem members learn at their own pace who the narcissist is. You’re not here to convince anyone. You’re here to validate yourself and resist the gaslighting attempts to distort your reality and that of the abuse. Don’t feel obligated to protect your abuser, minimize, rationalize or deny the abuse you endured. Honor and acknowledge your authentic emotions as well as depth of trauma you experienced.

18. I am worthy, I am beautiful (or handsome), I am brave, I am strong, I am fearless.

These are another set of positive affirmations that can help remind you of how worthy and courageous you truly are, with or without a partner. It conditions you into believing good things about yourself, especially if you’re used to hearing harsh words from your abuser. I recommend recording these into a tape recorder or voice recording application on your phone and listening to them on a daily basis just to get yourself used to hearing them. Repetition is essential to deprogramming the harmful messages your abuser instilled in you and reprogramming your mind for future success.

19. Each second, each minute, each hour, each day, each month, each year, I am getting stronger.

While you may have moments of powerlessness and hopelessness from time to time, rest assured that as you move forward with No Contact, you will gain more and more strength and resilience than you ever knew was possible. As more time passes and as more trauma is processed and addressed, the more space you’ll carve out to become the person you were meant to be. You’ll eventually reach a point in your healing journey where the strong attachment to the abusive person has ‘dulled’ in its emotional potency.

20. Leaving (or being left) was the best thing that ever happened to me. I made that happen.

It was your agency and your powerful light that got you through the worst moments of your life so never underestimate your ability to survive after the abuse. There are so many victims still in abusive relationships – including the new source of supply. You’ve awakened and you’ve taken back control over your life. This is a blessing that should not be taken for granted. Instead of focusing on the ways you still feel trapped, validate your grief while allowing yourself to celebrate the ways you’ve been freed.

21. I am a motherf*cking badass. I can survive anything. And I will thrive.

For those who need that extra punch (and dose of profanity along with their reality check), this affirmation can charge you with the determination and badassery needed to rise above the pain and channel it into something greater. Remember: for every crucifixion, there is an even greater possibility for resurrection. Transform all the grief and outrage you feel into your greater good: use it to fuel you to reach greater heights, achieve your goals and kick some serious butt in all facets of your life.

22. Do no harm; take no shit.
We don’t have to be vindictive or retaliate against our ex-partners in order to take care of ourselves, set boundaries or to lead victorious lives. At the same time, we don’t have to internalize anyone else’s garbage. You can empower yourself by establishing what your boundaries are and following through with them – each and every time. Whether it be with your abusive ex-partner or a new acquaintance, the healing journey is all about learning how to implement healthier boundaries and becoming more assertive in our authentic truth.

23. My success is their karma. Karma can answer him or her – I am too busy.

Live your life and try to minimize your focus on what the narcissist is doing, who he or she is seeing or what they are getting away with. Let the narcissist learn at his or her own pace what life is all about; you don’t need to educate a grown ass human being on how to be a decent person. You don’t need to give karma a ‘push’ either – let it unravel and unfold organically, if at all.

24. I am the life source. I am the Light. Without me, there is nothing to feed on.

These are emotional vampires we’re dealing with; it’s up to you to make sure that they don’t leave nourished on your supply while you’re left malnourished, drained and underfed after an interaction with them. Without their sources of supply, narcissists live in the darkness of their own emotional void. Don’t let your mind, your body and your soul be part of their feeding queue. Remove yourself completely from the equation altogether. If they don’t get to feast upon your emotions, your commitment or your investment, you get to nourish yourself with a healthy mind and life.

25. They don’t miss me as a person – they miss controlling and mistreating me.

Narcissistic ex-partners only try to play the ‘let’s be friends’ card because they miss what you provide for them. They miss putting you down. They don’t miss you or any other victim as a person because they truly cannot even wrap their heads around people as individual human beings. To them, supply is supply and they rarely ‘know’ their sources of supply beyond a shallow impression of them as objects to control and misuse for their own gain. Remember that when a narcissistic abuser tries to hoover you, saying they miss you, what they’re really saying is that they miss the power and control they felt when they were able to provoke your emotions.

26. They don’t love or care about me – they care about fulfilling their own needs.

Normal partners would leave their ex-partners alone and move forward especially after they realized that their ex-partners were not the one for them. Narcissists don’t care what is best for their ex-partners; they don’t care if they’re potentially retraumatizing them by reaching out to them or flaunting new supply. They want to fulfill their own needs and it doesn’t matter who they hurt in the process. Give yourself this reality check each and every time you find yourself romanticizing the abuser: they do not love or care about you, at all. If they did, they would have made the effort to treat you better. Love is expressed in actions, not empty words.

27. Each time I don’t respond or set a boundary, I remind myself of what I am worth.

You are truly worthy, warrior, and you don’t need anybody else to validate your worth to you. You are precious, valuable and enough. Know it and own it; don’t let anyone take away your divine self-worth from you. Each time that you permit yourself to stick to No Contact, you communicate to yourself that you are worthy of a better life. Continue to tell yourself that you are whole just as you are and so very deserving of the best life possible. Treat yourself as if you were already whole and one day you will realize you’ve internalized this belief. Feeling and knowing that you are enough goes beyond just an affirmation; it can lead to success beyond your wildest dreams. You just have to be willing to be receptive to this belief. Gently invite it into your life and find ways to cultivate it every day until it is so fully rooted in your psyche that it has no choice other than to blossom.

28. I care about and love myself.

Be gentle with yourself during this time. Treat yourself as you would a dear friend or a wounded baby bird. How would you take care of yourself? What would you tell someone you love who is hurting? How would you treat someone who you wanted the best for? Treat yourself that exact way – you deserve all the care, compassion and validation that you tried to give to the narcissist.

29. I am my own best friend. I am my own best advocate.

You can have a nourishing support network, but at the end of the day, you are the only one who can advocate for yourself and your healing. You are the only person who can act on your own behalf and make the right choices for your recovery process. Nobody can do it for you. So advocate for yourself, each and every day: turn off the phone, the computer and any form of communication with the narcissistic abuser and walk away from temptation. You are worth so much more than this toxic person could ever give you.

30. I love myself. Truly and always, I love myself. And for the first time in a long time, I am putting myself first.

The journey to healing is about you. Not your ex-partner, your friends, your family, or society. You may have placed your mental health and basic needs on the back burner for a long time when you were in this abusive relationship. Now it’s finally time to prioritize you, your needs, your dreams, your desires and what you personally want to manifest in your life. Take this valuable time to really get to know yourself and honor your goals. You deserve to make all your dreams come to life. It’s time for you to shine – and no one is ever going to get to dim your light ever again.

Want more writing like this? Read the book POWER: Surviving and Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse by Shahida Arabi.

There’s no doubt that Hannah Baker’s story in 13 Reasons Why has struck a chord. The Netflix series is so popular that a second season has already been confirmed, even though the main character is dead and a sequel to the book it’s based on has never been written. One of the reasons for the show’s popularity is the controversial nature of Hannah and her storyline.

While at face value, Hannah is the victim of a series of bullies and people who are too busy with their own lives to notice that Hannah is struggling, another theory is that she is a sociopath who uses her suicide to cause suffering in a large number of people, specifically the subject of her tapes. Here are the facts that support this theory:

1. We never see Hannah explicitly struggling with mental illness. On it’s own, this isn’t a big red flag, mental illnesses come in many shapes and sizes. However, the fact that it’s never shown on a series fundamentally about her suicide — and the rest of this list — makes this shady.

2. The mere existence of the tapes. If Hannah wanted to make people aware that they should pay attention the the suffering of others and be nicer to people in general (the supposed reason she made the tapes), she would have focused on this message. Instead, Hannah’s tapes go to painstaking detail in ensuring the subject feels immense guilt over their (usually otherwise banal) supposed transgressions against her.

3. The tapes are intended to be passed around. This makes her outing her former friend Jessica as a rape victim in tape #9 extremely troublesome. Why would Hannah put her friend on blast? Why would she force Jessica to live her trauma out in front of everyone in school instead of coming to terms with it on her own timeline? This seems deeply disturbing and cold-hearted on Hannah’s part.

4. The series makes it clear that everyone in Hannah’s tapes have their own issues. Justin’s home life is horrific to say the very least, Bryce’s parents seem completely absent, Alex’s dad isn’t open to talking to his son, Jessica struggles with addiction issues (and maybe has PTSD) — meanwhile Hannah herself has a loving, supportive home life, better than anyone else she knows. These two things create some dissonance. Sure, someone else being hurt doesn’t excuse their hurting of Hannah — but this logic also applies to Hannah herself. In creating the tapes, Hannah perpetuates the very kind of pain she is claiming to beg other people to stop.

5. Sociopaths are smart people with good social skills. Although Hannah claims to be an outsider, we are bombarded by evidence to the contrary. We see her being likeable and well-liked. When Hannah walks into a party where she wasn’t invited, people welcome her and seem excited to see her. Everyone else who has been to high school knows this is definitely not the case for most people.

6. She plans for Bryce to get the tapes near the end. If her intention was to show people the hurt they caused her, he should be first. Instead, she wants to make the maximum impact and hurt people who are easier to hurt (and who have done less to deserve it).

7. Clay receives the tapes after doing basically nothing but being a good friend to Hannah and honoring her request to leave when she asked him to. The fact that he’s on the tapes with a rapist and a stalker/child pornographer can only serve to hurt one of the only people who was truly there for Hannah.

Hannah is not interested in preventing future suicides (especially those by her former friends who are receiving tapes). Her actions show she is interested in hurting as many people as possible. I really hope season 2 addresses this.

My love for you blinded me. I didn’t realize until it was over that you never loved me back, that you were my best friend, but I was never yours. I let myself continue to believe that the drama and chaos was all a part of the process. It was all a part of what I had done to you, because that was the idea you put in my head.

The words still sting.

I tricked you.

I pretended to be somebody else.

I should be able to make my anxiety go away.

The guilt still weighs me down sometimes even though I know it’s insane. I spent so many days peeling parts of myself away to make you happy and comfortable. Anxiety doesn’t just go away, but you can hide it. I didn’t trick you, you just showed up on a good day.

I told you I had it; I guess you didn’t believe me. When I couldn’t control it, and you couldn’t control me, you left and came back. You screamed and yelled. You were withholding, physically and emotionally, forceful and angry, aggressive in all the most ways when I was at my most vulnerable.

I am not guiltless. I acted out. I abhor how I acted, and how I treated you at times, as I tried to be at peace with myself in what I thought was supposed to be the happiest time of my life. In my naivety, you were all I thought I wanted and needed.

The first time I saw you I remember the jolt in my stomach and my mind. I mistook it for an electric shock in my heart. I still believed in determinism. It felt like it was meant to be, and I followed this feeling, I refused to let it go, even through the aggression and fear.

Eventually it stopped, you stopped. You became tender and soft. I became baffled as you asked for communication and affection, but I tried, not understanding why I could no longer open up in ways you seemed to so desperately want.

Now I understand why I couldn’t. You never wanted that, and you never wanted me. I was a placeholder for something you never understood. Your aggression was a blockade, assuring you would never have to fully give yourself to me, and I would never allow myself to fully give in to you.

But you could ask, request, and beg until finally you left, claiming it was my fault. You would claim I wouldn’t communicate, that I was not intimate enough, and that I could not give you what you needed. And you would be right.

Like everything else about us, I found it confusing for a long time how after you left I became more open. I had more energy. Communicating with everybody, I found intimacy to be no problem. Stranger still, they had no problem with me or anything I did. I no longer walked on egg shells and found myself breathing easily and deeply for the first time in years.

I lived. I lived openly and carelessly, however I wanted to, for the first time in recent memory. It felt amazing. And for the first time you were the last person I wanted to tell.

It’s hard for me to blame you. Though I couldn’t realize it while it was happening, I chose to stay, even though I should have as soon as I knew you were telling me you loved me with other women’s names on your lips. There were plenty of red flags I chose to ignore, telling myself it was all in the name of love.

Despite everything, I did love you. Maybe I do love you. I do not love that I now have to sort out the difference between when a person is trying to control me, and compromise with me. Every question feels like an interrogation and every advance an assault. But I could have walked away from these things too.

I didn’t because I was young. You were everything to me. I thought we were different, and every other excuse we tell ourselves when we choose the wrong person, and allow them to cut us over and over again with the same knife and call it love.

Google defines a sociopath as: a person with a personality disorder manifesting itself in extreme antisocial attitudes and behavior and a lack of conscience.

Now look at the guy who cheated, lied, manipulated and hurt you over and over and over again. If he hits all or even a few of these 5 traits, he really could be a sociopath!

1. He has an oversized ego

Does the guy you’re with have a huge ego or a huge sense of entitlement? Does he, to paraphrase my girl Taylor Swift; “love himself more than he’ll ever love you”? If he does, or if he has a tendency to talk about past accomplishments or how cool he was in high school (but in college he’s a friendless loser or performing poorly in school or a sport…), and you’re not seeing the talk match the actions, then you have yourself a red flag.

2. He lies and manipulates you, more than once

Did he lie about the weirdest things or always have some bizarre situation he has to “take care of”. Does he turn blame and fault on you and leave you feeling ‘crazy’ despite the glaring evidence that he was a liar and cheater? Did he threaten you or tell you to stop with the “trust” issues in order to get you to buy into his never ending lies? If that was the case then or now- red flag.

3. He has never empathized with you once

He is always manipulating you to believe that you are the cause of whatever issues he is really causing. He can cause you pain and watch you suffer without ever taking responsibility or feeling remorse- he waits for you to collect yourself and take the responsibility for his actions. He’s never once muttered the words “I know how I’ve made you feel” or “I know this is hard for you, let me fix it”. You could find all the evidence in the world and present it to him and he’ll either defend it or out right deny it and then turn around and leave you feeling delusional and guilty for getting upset. If he defends or denies his actions while watching you beat yourself up and suffer; that is another red flag.

4. You have more fingers on your hand than he does friends

What does he do in his free time; sleep, eat like shit, play video games….nothing (cheat on you)? Does he have any real friends he values time with or does he stay around his family because they’re easy and accessible people. He probably spends more time at home to keep him accountable for having some sort of excuse for a “life”. If he can’t list any real people in his life that mean something to him, and I can promise you are probably not one of them; it’s a red flag.

5. He lives his life based on the “pleasure principal”

Since sociopaths don’t value anything of meaning and significance, they live in the fast lane for things that will physically make them feel good. Risqué behavior, taking chances, and breaking rules gives them something to feel; it might just be the only real source of pleasure they ever have.
If the guy in your life hits all those points, he really could be a sociopath. He could be a master manipulator, a man raised by lying and cheating parents, or someone who lacks all the important morals normal humans have.

Stop blaming yourself. Carrying any of the blame for the sick games and lies you were subjected to will drive you insane. You are not to blame for the disgusting master manipulator he is.

Do not expect closure from him. He will never come clean because all he knows is how to defend his lies and deception. BUT, diagnosed sociopath or not, if you were able to date him, I can promise that you’re strong enough to find your own closure and happiness without him.

1. She set herself on fire after losing her baby.

“I have spent time inside a few different psychiatric facilities. I met a lot of interesting folks. Many years ago, there was a lady with horrific burns scars. From her head down her entire body. She was chronically depressed. She was very badly disfigured. She was just the sweetest person ever. Always a kind word for anyone and happy to listen. I bugged one of the nurses to tell me why she was covered in burns. I was told she set herself on fire after losing her baby.”

—GandalfThaGhey

2. He said he talked to the voices inside his head because they were his only friends.

“When I was doing psych clerkship as a med student, there was a schizophrenic patient with the usual signs: auditory hallucinations, disheveled appearance, no expression on his face.

He admitted to voices talking to him. The resident I was shadowing, asked him what the voices say to him, and he refused to answer that question. Then she informed him that they can give him some medications to make the voices go away, and he immediately rebuked that option (mind you, still displaying no expression on his face the whole time). When the resident asked him ‘Why?,’ he replied, ‘They are my only friends.’

That hit hard.”

—ThisWasAWasteOfTime

3. Kid was completely dissociative. Would randomly just start screaming asking his mother to stop hitting him.

“Kid that was completely dissociative. Would randomly just start screaming asking his mother to stop hitting him. He was pretty low functioning so it was really hard to process. He would look at me and tell me how she beat him with chains and belts. The doctor believed that the young man felt like he was in safe environment for the first time in his life and his mind was allowing him to re-remember past trauma.”

—jgoods77

4. She wanted to be a better wife and mother…even though she had no husband or children.

“In a day treatment facility I volunteered for, I led a writing group to help people develop goals and motivation to continue in treatment. One woman gave really strong and compelling answers about wanting to improve her health to be a better wife and mother (have the energy to run around and play with her kids, etc.).

Several weeks after beginning the group, I mention this to another therapist, who informs me this woman has no husband or children, and never has.”

—theYoungLurks

5. Nine-year-old child calmly and purposefully drowned a toddler because the toddler’s mother had refused to allow the nine-year-old to have another lollipop.

“Child psych, acute inpatient.

Nine-year-old child who calmly and purposefully drowned a toddler because the toddler’s mother had refused to allow the nine-year-old to have another lollipop.

There was no spark of anything in that 9-year-old’s eyes. No life, no humanity. It was stark-cold terrifying.”

—JaydeRaven

6. My worst was a 4-year-old with extensive physical and sexual abuse. Social services found her tied to a tree. She did not meet any typical milestones and would grunt to communicate.

“I worked as an RN in an inpatient psych unit. We admitted any age (youngest was 2) and would have some violent individuals with minimal staffing. My worst was a 4-year-old with extensive physical and sexual abuse. Social services found her tied to a tree. She did not meet any typical milestones and would grunt to communicate. I left three times during the admission process to choke back tears. It was the beginning of the end for my career working in psych. I had the thickest skin and could tolerate the toughest of situations. I couldn’t take how an individual could corrupt something so innocent.”

—OiCu8ONE2

8. At home, he had beat up the family cat to the point of its bones breaking because he liked the sounds the cat made. He had raped a younger sister with some of his toys. He was five.

“I’ve worked at a psych unit for teens/children for a couple years. I think the scariest for me personally was a five-year-old we had. He was well behaved and actually really cute. At home, he had beat up the family cat to the point of its bones breaking because he liked the sounds the cat made. He had raped a younger sister with some of his toys. He is the youngest I’ve ever encountered with sociopathic tendencies :(”

—09cjones1

9. He kept babbling in Spanish about demons coming to get him.

“I had a kid once that kept freaking out during the night shift. He was from South America and kept babbling in Spanish about demons coming to get him, and I barely understand Spanish so there wasn’t much I could do to calm him down.

He abruptly stopped screaming and went dead silent with huge eyes… looking directly at something behind me. I turned around and there was nothing there but he kept staring anyway.

I didn’t get much sleep after that shift.”

—Badloss

10. She was so suicidal and distraught that she was biting chunks out of her own shoulder.

“I worked on a juvenile psych unit. I had to put a girl in restraints that included her head because she was so suicidal and distraught that she was biting chunks out of her own shoulder.

Maybe three years later I took a bus to interview for a graduate psych program. When I switched buses, a nicely dressed girl asked me if I was from Colorado. I said ‘yes.’ Then she asked me if I worked on a psych unit. It was her, all better. We chatted for a while and I told her how happy I was to see her doing so well. She smiled, thanked me, and we said our goodbyes.”

—omnichronos

11. The look of sheer terror in his face and the shaky voice have stuck with me.

“Young man who was suffering from drug induced psychosis. He had smoked some spice and was taken to out hospital with involuntary status. He stayed for over a month with no signs of remission. He covered the entire spectrum of psychotic behaviors during his stay but the worst was when he would pop into reality for a moment. The look of sheer terror in his face and the shaky voice have stuck with me. His family broke down during visitation and only his father could manage weekly visits afterwards. Chemically induced psychosis, from my experience, is game over most of the time. I’ve seen a few people recover to a degree but never fully. Don’t fuck with spice.”

—MrMcScruffles

12. He had in a way started to assume the identity of his little sister and he considered the girls in the pictures he cut out his friends.

“I worked in the dental clinic of a psychiatric hospital for a bit and I’ll never forget a patient named Terry. Terry loved to wear little girls’ clothing and would have pictures of little girls that he had cut out of magazines on a string around his neck. When I first encountered him I automatically made the assumption that he was some sort of pedophile. I later learned from the dentist I had worked with that Terry had witnessed his little sister being brutally raped and murdered by their stepfather when they were children. He had in a way started to assume the identity of his little sister and he considered the girls in the pictures he cut out his friends. I felt horrible for jumping to conclusions, especially after I got to know him more and saw what a gentle, kind soul he was.”

—sweepingpines

13. The very definition of hell.

“Had a dementia patient, among other things I imagine, but I was just the nursing assistant. I don’t get much for patient histories just whether they can walk unassisted or poo on their own.

She was a very kind sweet old lady. She thought of herself as a young mother, so she carried a doll with her, wrapped in a blanket. She was even allowed a baby bed and every night she would tuck her baby in beside her bed. Then she would talk about the baby growing inside her belly. She would go on very coherently about her pregnancy and her child. She had me believing she lived in this sweet fantasy land that was set on repeat.

But it would all abruptly end and start over once her baby was due and there was no new baby. She would mope for about a month, super depressed, not eating, nonstop crying she could not be consoled, she’d get fairly violent…then it would start over, she’d just wake up one morning and as happy as could be, ‘Did you hear the great news!? I’m going to have another baby!’

One night she got all tucked in and forgot to tuck her baby in. I noticed and said, ‘I can tuck Susan in for the night’ and reached in to get her baby. The woman throat punched me hard. I dropped the baby doll when I fell over gasping for air. She then started to lose it as she was trying to further assault me, yelling at me about driving too fast and destroying everything she loved.

Once the dust settled it was shared with me that she was pregnant once upon a time, and she already had a 1 year old. The husband and the 1 year old got in an accident on the way to the hospital, they both died. She was so distraught over it she gave the newborn up for adoption. That’s why her delusions start over after the due date and she is so mad in between. I imagine some residual guilt/anger for her loss is what cause her to throat punch me for taking her doll.

When I first started working there I just thought she was some fun old delusional lady. I never expected the delusions to have back stories. It’s heartbreaking…Dementia seems horrifying enough when its described as ‘being confused, or losing your mind,’ but it seems so much worse when it’s, ‘repeat your worst life experience over and over until you die.’…To constantly be stuck in the time leading up to your most traumatic experience and reliving it over and over…the very definition of hell in my opinion.”

—Penetrative

14. A butt-naked little old lady tried to corner me while swinging a commode at me.

“Not specifically at a psychiatric ward but had a patient at the hospital with severe dementia. I had gotten her up and out of the bed to the bedside commode (bedside toilet) and while trying to get her back in bed she demanded I get my hands off of her, she took a step back away from me, ripped off her gown and was completely naked, grabbed the commode and started attempting to swing it at me while accusing me of making racial slurs towards her. I had to end up calling the charge nurse who proceeded to call security. Well, about a minute later security comes running in the room and busts out laughing as he seems a butt-naked little old lady trying to corner me while swinging a commode at me.”

—Fopom1

15. He had been raped by his father and was going to go back to live with him in a camper by the lake.

“I was in a juvenile psych unit. A 16-year-old kid was in for molesting his 3-year-old sister. He was court ordered to be there for a period of time. I found out that he was raped by his father. I asked him where he would be going after release (because he couldn’t go back into his home with his sister). He told me his father had found a camper and put it at a lake and he would be living there until he graduated.

Yes, the same father that raped him.

His head was so fucked.”

—toethumbrn

16. She witnessed her mother’s brutal murder at age 4…the things she would scream when actively psychotic were truly some of the saddest, most terrible things I have ever heard.

“This schizophrenic woman whose psychosis had the real-life origin of Dexter the TV character.

She witnessed her mother’s brutal murder at age 4 and was not found for almost a week. The things she would scream when actively psychotic were truly some of the saddest, most terrible things I have ever heard.

She could be pretty lucid on good days, and had a real affinity for flowers. One of the things she most liked to do was take a cab to town when all the staff was distracted making lunch, buy a bunch of flowers, take the cab back and waltz back into her suite carrying an insane (literally) amount of daisies and shit. By then we would be frantically looking for her, and suddenly an angry cabby shows up ranting about payment. She was pretty fantastic.”

—Aggressivecleaning

17. Told us about their marriage with Jesus, how their 250 grandkids are doing, why we were getting fired, and then yelling at themselves for firing us.

“Working at a psychiatric hospital at the moment. Honestly, it depends on the day. What’s interesting to me is how someone is fine the next day but will stand up randomly and shout ‘I need my kitty titties!’ the next. One that was consistently troubled was a patient with hallucinations and schizophrenia. Told us about their marriage with Jesus, how their 250 grandkids are doing, why we were getting fired and then yelling at themselves for firing us.”

—alurkerwhomannedup

18. Had a patient try to cut their tongue out. They almost succeeded.

“Had a patient try to cut their tongue out. They almost succeeded.

Had another patient who cycled through almost 100 foster homes in their youth.

I have seen violence and gore. I’ve seen severe delusions. Worked with refugees. The one that sticks with me the most is the patient who was married to their spouse for over 60 years. The spouse was supportive during all mental health crises. The spouse cheated after 60 years of marriage, leaving the patient homeless and heartbroken.”

—-Hownowbrowncow

19. Totally vacant staring eyes, jaw hanging down with a continuous thread of dribble rolling off his bottom lip.

“Brain damage can be absolutely horrific. Broken humans that don’t work anymore and nobody knows what to do with them.

There was one guy who had brain damage from infant meningitis. The guy is about 40-50 years old now, but he’s exactly like what you might imagine a lobotomized person to look like. Totally vacant staring eyes, jaw hanging down with a continuous thread of dribble rolling off his bottom lip. Arms hanging down by his sides. And all he does is pace up and down whatever room his is in, all day and all night, until he collapses asleep after about 4-5 days sleeps 12 hours, wakes up and resumes pacing.

He wears an adult nappy/diaper because he is totally incontinent, and changing it is remarkably difficult because he won’t stop pacing even while people are trying to clean him up. He cannot eat by himself, he cannot do anything by himself, the only verbal noise/speech he produces is a loud ‘GU-GU-GU-GU-GU-GU-GU-GU’ like a propeller engine starting up.

There’s nothing there in his mind, at all. He’s a husk. He never smiles, never frowns, give no indication of any aspiration or want. That has been his entire life. He has no purpose, has required 24 hour care his entire life, and I don’t think there’s a single person who has ever worked with him that wouldn’t have gladly taken him outside and shot him in the head if they were allowed to.

Anybody opposed to euthanasia hasn’t seen real brain damage. Anyone who can’t understand why doctors give up trying to resuscitate after a certain point where irreversible brain damage has occurred have not seen real brain damage. Anyone upset about the doctors ending Charlie Gard’s life haven’t seen real brain damage. They should transport the guy I described between hospitals to show family members what the doctors are talking about when they say that a person should be allowed to die.”

—Bestfriendwatermelon

20. She ate Styrofoam cups, plastic cutlery, plates…etc.

“I did A mental health co-op in high school. I would have to say a tie exists between the two most troubling patients that I encountered while doing my co-op. One was a guy who had Korsakoff syndrome. this guy was completely delusional and dissociated from time and location; he thought at times he was at a bowling alley and at other times he thought he had just gone shopping for shoes. They had to tie him into his chair because he could sometimes become violent. a small percentage of alcoholics get Korsakoff’s. Most of them die before it sets in, but about 2% of all alcoholics will get this disorder.

The other patient was someone with severe brain damage who had to be kept locked naked in a padded cell with access to nothing she could put in her mouth because she would continually try to eat anything. She ate Styrofoam cups, plastic cutlery, plates…etc.

One full moon, and anyone who’s ever worked in a psychiatric facility knows what I’m talking about with full moons, she decided to pluck one of her eyes out with a plastic spoon she palmed from a tray on the way to the bathroom, despite her restraints and that two PRN attendants wheeled her down.

edit: forgot to mention—they found the eyeball in her stomach.”

—AtheistComic

21. He would mutilate his genitals for sexual pleasure.

“Was a nursing student at the time, and I have been a nurse for years now and this is still by far the most ‘troubled’ patient I have worked with. I was going through my weekly rotation in the psych ward when my instructor assigned me one of the few males that were admitted (I am a male so I often got the male patients). Turned out that this is still, to this day I believe, the only psych patient that have ever been flown in to our facility. He would mutilate himself for sexual pleasure. Of course, it wasn’t the cutting his arm or legs kind of mutilation. He would have to mutilate his genitals for sexual pleasure. The kicker is, this isn’t the first time he has been hospitalized for this. He lost one testicle in the 90s, attempted to cut off the other about ten years ago, and this time he tried taking the whole thing off.

When I asked him why he did it all he gave me the most sane and logical responses. He said he knows it is wrong, he knows he might be one of the only people in the world that has this issue and he realizes that taking away his genitals prevents him from forming lasting relationships. He said that since he is so isolated and there is no other way for him to get sexual gratification, he has to mutilate himself. I honestly felt horrible for him because he said he has been struggling with this since he was a kid. As far as I could tell, he was 100% normal except for the whole mutilation thing.”

—bugy67

22. Had a client shove a metal jagged end of a broomstick that he snapped in half right into his abdomen then start screaming and digging into it with his fingers.

“I worked for a number of years a residential facility, ages 6-106 and have seen it all. Most clients were diagnosed Autism, so you saw the typical self-injury and harmful to others. Most older clients had a mild to moderate disability that today you would just accept as ‘slow,’ but since they had been there for so long, the facility was their home and they didn’t want to go elsewhere. (It’s also really nice, I might add).

BUT…I saw some shit.

Had a client shove a metal jagged end of a broomstick that he snapped in half right into his abdomen then start screaming and digging into it with his fingers.

Had a child, maybe 8 years, who could’ve modeled on the front of a GAP catalog. He could be the nicest, quietest kid, or he could try and cut you with whatever was nearby and tell you that he was there because he cut his family’s dogs paws off. It was in his file. And that was not the only animal.

Another kid, completed his whole program and set to go home. We were all thrilled… he came back the following week because he stripped naked in school and threw a desk at his classmate.

Another child, maybe 6, severely burned by a family member with a blowtorch.

Had a teenage client commit suicide in a horrific manner.

Had an adult client go outside with a bat and smash a co-workers new BMW. I was actually thrilled to see that happen.

Maybe the most troubled were some of the staff, rather than the clients. You had staff who had been there for decades and truly cared about the clients. Then, you had new hires that wouldn’t last more than a year, and although I never saw anything physically abusive, I definitely had to report staff being verbally abusive to clients.”

—alohafrompenisland

23. A severe schizophrenic who was usually quiet because he spent 99% of his time being haunted by images of dead people he knew and trying to manage that.

“Guy from what appeared to be a severely repressive rural background who would randomly yell out confessions about his emotions and urges related to pedophilia/bestiality/homosexuality/incest. Would also say ‘Jesus loves you’ whenever you saw him and always had a Bible.

Guy who was usually very sweet, but couldn’t handle stress and would have episodes where he would run and smash his forehead against doors/windows until he literally had goose-eggs you could put golf balls into.

People so paranoid that you could leave a salt-shaker on a table near their room and they would think it was an assassination attempt/conspiracy to defeat them with psychological warfare.

Someone who would spend almost all their time walking in circles screaming at imaginary people. One time I heard him yell: ‘Fire every missile! Blow up the sky! Blow up the sky!’

A middle-aged man who literally had an emotional age of 6 who spent almost all his time annoying staff, throwing literal tantrums, or manipulating people to cause fights.

A severe schizophrenic who was usually quiet because he spent 99% of his time being haunted by images of dead people he knew and trying to manage that.”

—thegreencomic

24. Every now and then she would get up from the computer and start taking all of her clothes off or smearing her lipstick on her face.

“I was a psych worker at a day program for adolescent outpatients. The city I lived in had a massive shortage of beds in psych units, so we ended up getting a whole lot of kids who really belonged in inpatient care. A couple of the most memorable ones:

One girl was convinced that YouTube was a secret way for the government to communicate with her, and only her. She would open up random videos and start conversing or arguing with them, because she thought she was looking at a live video chat with a government agent. She would scream at other kids if she saw them watching YouTube videos, because she thought it was just for her. Every now and then she would get up from the computer and start taking all of her clothes off or smearing her lipstick on her face. One of those cases that sounds funny on paper, but is absolutely gut-wrenching to watch.

We had a kid who had pretty much been raised in a series of hotel rooms from a young age, because he was so violent that he burned his bridges with every group home, residential placement and appropriate foster home in the city. The final straw came when he was about 8 or 9; out of nowhere, he tried to gouge his foster father’s eyes out while he was driving at highway speeds. After that, they kept him in hotel rooms with a rotating cast of social workers and youth workers to provide 1-to-1 supervision. He was messed up before, but that kind of childhood pretty much did him in.

We had one girl who was trying to manage her depression/anxiety and be a better parent to her 2-year-old. Typical stuff. She’d been with us for a couple of months when out of nowhere, she comes in completely hysterical, screaming that her daughter was found murdered that morning. We freaked out and called up her caseworker, only to find out that there was no kid. Never had been. She’d talked about this kid for months, in great detail, and we’d never thought to report it to her caseworker because we had no reason to doubt she was telling the truth. Next day she came in vacant and dead-pan, and nonchalantly told us that her (fictional, and now dead) kid had been hit by a bus in front her of that morning. Back to the hospital she went.

We had a kid with a double-whammy of fetal alcohol issues and brain damage from a childhood hit-and-run. He lost his ability to ‘hear’ thoughts in his own head, and had absolutely zero impulse control. I don’t mean ‘couldn’t help himself from eating a second cookie.’—I mean zero. Whatever thoughts came into his mind came out of his mouth in real-time. If he saw something he wanted to put in his mouth, it went into his mouth. He once ate all the staples out of a stapler before staff noticed what he was doing. He would pull drinks out of the fridge and dump them over his own head, bash himself in the face with sporting equipment and just drop his pants and pee whenever he felt like it. He had an IQ in the normal range, just a unique form of brain damage. We had to have 2 staff on him at all times, just to keep him from traumatizing the other kids.

I also think it’s worth noting that before I went to work with brain-damaged patients, my boyfriend rode a motorcycle. After I started coming home with work stories, he gave it up. Seriously, people, brain damage is no joke—wear your helmets, fasten your seatbelts, and for the love of God, don’t drive drunk.”

—xaviira

25. He threatened to kill me if I made eye contact with him. He said his (deceased) father was going to help him.

“A young man with a history of poorly managed schizophrenia who also had chronic meth-induced psychosis, or what I heard someone call ‘Methiphrenia.’

Within 10 seconds of meeting me, he had called me (or whoever he thought he was talking to) a bitch, a cunt, a whore, and a slut. He threatened to kill me if I made eye contact with him. He said his (deceased) father was going to help him.

He had done so much damage with his years of meth use, on top of his poorly controlled schizophrenia, that he was incapable of any sort of meaningful interaction with another human being. He couldn’t comprehend a single subject or idea for more than a couple seconds, and it was like he lived in this chaotic world that none of us had access to. He could become physically aggressive at the drop of a hat for no perceived reason, or he could sit in a corner, crying and yelling that he was a good boy and he didn’t need any of ‘this.’ Even the most seasoned staff members wouldn’t enter a room alone with him. He was a court-appointed commitment, as he was far too dangerous to walk the streets and too far gone to take part in any sort of rehab or social program. He was in his early 30s, and it’s likely he’ll be in institutions for the rest of his life, partly because of years of bad decisions, and partly because of the hand he was dealt.

There was this story that I read a long time ago, about a whale that lived in the ocean somewhere, who was born with an inability to make sounds at the frequency that any other whale could understand. This whale just swam around, calling out to others in a way that no one could understand or respond to, alone forever. I always thought of that whale when I worked with this patient, it preserved my patience and empathy for him when he was displaying more negative or aggressive behaviors. That was seriously what it seemed his life was like. He could speak, but nothing made sense, he could hear you, but he wouldn’t respond in any meaningful way. It gives me hope that even after death threats and shows of force, as far gone as he seemed, there were still so many people still trying to help him and find a way to communicate with him. Staff in psych wards/institutions get a bad rap, but honestly, they wouldn’t put up with the kind of stuff they have to for the amount that they get paid if they didn’t feel a calling to be there. And none of them had given up on him. Hopefully someday they’ll find a way to break through, or bring him out.”

—Eshlau

Idealization and love-bombing

Highly skilled manipulators know how to seduce their prey – even without ever touching them. They are skilled wordsmiths and psychological puppeteers, pulling the strings each step of the way. They learn your love language and they know how to appeal to what you want to hear. They open doors, they take you out on extravagant dates, they take their time with foreplay – both verbal and physical. Their initial chivalry masks their cruelty.  Their tenderness is a very convincing façade for their chilly interior.

The idealization phase can only be described as pure, unadulterated ecstasy – both for the victim and the predator. Love-bombing – the excessive praise and flattery the predator showers on the prey – might as well be crack cocaine. It is a common manipulation used by cults to control their members – and in a relationship with a narcissist, you become a one-man cult. Your devotion to them becomes servile, disturbingly teetering on the edge of worship. And it’s usually because you’re following their lead.

The target is groomed to become addicted to the narcissist’s loving words and caring actions – not knowing they are hollow. We begin to invest in the predator as they seem to invest in us. They mirror our deepest needs and desires; they even mirror our interests, hobbies, and viewpoints. They tantalize us with the promise of a brighter future, a relationship where we are deeply validated and taken care of. We get used to the daily praise and laser-focused attention. Sex with the narcissist during the idealization phase is explosive – filled with just the right amount of tenderness and aggression – the narcissist knows exactly how to bring us to greater heights. It’s because they’ve studied what we like and have learned to mimic it. Little do we know, sex will later be used as ammunition.

During idealization and love-bombing, our place on the pedestal is secure and complete. We become the center of the narcissist’s world – or so we think. Really, they become the center of ours as we strive to measure up to the ideal image they have of us. They make us feel like God, only to cater to their own God complex.

Along the way, we deepen our investment because the bond feels so special and unique. We feel we’ve met our soulmate, our other half, our “twin flame.” What we’ve really met is someone who would burn us to ashes without a second glance if it meant getting what they wanted. This connection is heightened in a way that demands our attention on a physical, spiritual and even biochemical level – and before we know it, we begin to rely on this new person for survival. And that is when the danger begins.

Within even the most perfect period of idealization, there are tiny moments of recognition and fleeting red flags. Predators will always ‘test’ the boundaries of their victims early on – with provocative comments designed to make the victim doubt their perceptions. There will always be slippings of the mask where we get a terrifying view of the true self.

Yet these are so scarce during this phase that we are led to doubt whether we’ve seen anything at all. During love-bombing, the luckiest of survivors pick up on the cracks in the narcissist’s mask and see the empty shell beneath – and they do not attempt to rationalize or fix the fractured pieces. They are able to depart with their savings and sanity intact – they are able to leave, still whole. The rest move onto the devaluation phase, to be tattered and broken.

DEVALUATION

An adept emotional predator knows how to exploit a target’s strengths as well as his or her weaknesses. From the very beginning of the relationship, they’re taking an inventory of the qualities you possess that would enable them to exploit you. That means that they’re not only zooming in on your vulnerability, they’re also preying on your resilience and empathy – your ability to bounce back and your capacity to sympathize with their excuses for bad behavior.

When devaluation begins, it’s not always sudden. In fact, it can be like a gunshot in the dark or a quiet murmur in the corner. You just ‘feel’ that something has shifted, but you’re not sure why, how, where, or when. Your lover stops taking your calls. They withdraw without an explanation. You see them interacting with others in a playful, flirtatious way – in the same way they used to act with you. They praise others the way they used to praise you. The once coveted partnership you two used to share seems to have been displaced onto another replacement target (or multiple targets) – someone who is now on the receiving end of the flattery and attention you once cherished.

Meanwhile, you seem to be on the receiving end of their criticism, their harsh insults, their never-ending rage attacks.  The number of disappearances, discrepancies and marked evidence of infidelity start to climb. When they pull away, they pull away with full force – and they enjoy seeing your humiliation when you pine for them. They enjoy actively provoking you to respond, making you out to be the crazy one. And they love bringing in others into the dynamic of the relationship – whether they be friend, foe, ex, or stranger.

Then there is the stone-cold silence after stonewalling you during arguments. The narcissist’s silent treatment is deafening – and it hurts, literally. You feel an invisible, solid wall placed between you two – it’s an inexplicable feeling of being trapped yet tethered. You ache for the person you had constructed in your mind – a person he or she was all too happy to portray for a short period of time.

But the man or woman you love does not exist. And this is a painful reality for anyone – let alone someone who has a high level of investment in the relationship – to swallow.

Targets who are devalued are torn to shreds by the verbal and emotional battery inflicted by their narcissistic partners. Their psyche is infiltrated with disempowering belief systems and messages about their worthiness. They live day-to-day in a perpetual battle – a power struggle that never seems to end. They try not to internalize the criticism and blame, but they feel ashamed about being treated so viciously. This is not a shame that is theirs to carry – it belongs to their perpetrators. Yet they feel it deep down to their bones. It burdens them on sleepless nights and through countless weary days. Throughout the vicious cycle, pain is periodically mixed with pleasure. Victims are overjoyed at receiving crumbs of attention from their abusers – only to be devastated by blow after blow.

Those who are able to survive the devaluation phase unfortunately move onto the final phase (although, to be fair, there is no such thing as a ‘final’ phase to a narcissist, who never seems to let his or her victims go).

THE DISCARD

Those who are able to escape and ‘discard’ the perpetrator first do not really escape, as they tend to be stalked and harassed even years later by the vindictive narcissist.

Those who are discarded suffer a horrific trauma as well – they are pummeled by the narcissist’s cruel and callous indifference as they are seemingly rejected and disposed of by someone who they thought loved them. After having their body, mind and soul violated, used, destroyed, they are then subjected to the ultimate betrayal. They are left in a way that leaves no closure. The discard is staged in a way that is excessively painful and humiliating for the victim. Perhaps it occurs in public, or happens shortly after the narcissist has galivanted off with their new victim. Maybe it is accompanied by a sickening twist of events, an unraveling of shocking truths about the extent of the narcissist’s betrayals or an especially violent rage attack. However it happens, it is merciless and calculated to destroy.

Victims of narcissistic abuse are often brought to their knees and left blindsided by the narcissist’s departure. They are depleted, drained, belittled, diminished. They are left with more questions than answers, more doubt than certainty. Many fall into depression, spells of anxiety, and suffer the symptoms of trauma. In extreme cases, some even commit suicide or get close to the precipice of death. If they are not familiar with or well-versed about the cycle of abuse, they have a tendency to blame themselves for being abused, not realizing that this malignant predator has just sucked them dry.

If the victim survives the discard, the only path left is the long road to healing. That is, unless they become entangled in the narcissist’s games once more and sucked back into the traumatic vortex of the relationship. If so, the cycle just begins again.

It is quite easy to overlook female narcissists and their even more ruthless cousins, sociopaths. Since female narcissists engage in the same type of relational aggression that teenage girls do, they can easily fly under the radar as the “mean girl” motif coming to life in high definition – something we all assume they will eventually grow out of.

Yet research indicates that adolescent girls who use high levels of relational aggression also demonstrate low levels of empathy and caring towards others (Centifanti, et. al 2015). This suggests that the behaviors of gossiping, exclusion and sabotaging relationships may actually be more common among those with existing narcissistic and antisocial traits.

The problem is, the malignant female narcissist rarely outgrows her excessive sense of entitlement, lack of empathy and thirst for interpersonal exploitation – she merely adjusts these traits to her changing environment. The female malignant narcissist is not just vain and self-absorbed. She is also a covert bully who ensnares fellow female friends, relationship partners and family members into her toxic web.

The female narcissist (or sociopath) is just as dangerous as her male counterpart and yet she is protected by prevailing stereotypes of the “gentle young girl,” the “maternal mother,” the “sweet old grandmother,” or minimized by archetypes like the “catty best friend.” No one suspects the older woman, assumed to be nurturing and sweet, to be vindictive, cruel and ruthless. Nor do they expect mothers to abandon, neglect or abuse their children.

Yet what happens when the demented narcissistic mother drives her adult children to suicide after years of chronic childhood abuse? Or when the catty best friend from middle school becomes the conniving co-worker in the corporate world, employing underhanded tactics to sabotage her colleagues? Or when the malignant narcissistic girlfriend uses her harem of male admirers to terrorize her significant other?

Female narcissists do not “grow out” of their childhood aggression; eerily enough, they evolve into even more effective aggressive behaviors in adulthood, using their manipulative tactics to serve their selfish agendas and to exploit others.

While it has been estimated that 75% of narcissists are male, this may be due to a bias of women being more likely to be labeled as borderline or histrionic; it may also be due to confusion resulting from differing presentations of certain disorders due to gendered socialization (Sansone & Sansone, 2011). It’s becoming clearer from survivor stories, however, that there are a far greater number of female narcissists than one would assume.

Female narcissists, especially if they also possess antisocial traits, can cause just as much psychological harm as male malignant narcissists. Here are the top five traits and behaviors to watch out for if you suspect someone might be a malignant narcissist and some tips on how to cope:

1. A sadistic sense of pleasure at someone else’s pain.

Perhaps one of the most understated qualities of the female malignant narcissist is the pleasure and joy she takes in bringing down others. She enjoys making covert jabs and watching gleefully as the formerly confident victim looks crestfallen, shocked and offended. She displays a lack of empathy when the conversation turns to more serious emotional matters, engaging in shallow responses or cruel reprimands that invalidate her victim’s reality.

She is ruthless in her ability to first idealize, then devalue and discard her victims without a second thought. She cannot engage in healthy, emotionally fulfilling relationships, so she enjoys sabotaging the relationships and friendships of others for her own personal entertainment.

2. An insatiable sense of competitiveness, due to pathological envy and the need to be the center of attention.

Relational aggression is thought to be a more common method of bullying among girls, who are socialized to be less physically expressive in their aggression than their male counterparts. The female malignant narcissist is no different; in fact, perhaps some of her most abusive tactics are deployed in the realm of female friendships.

In her group of female friends, the female malignant narcissist scopes out who is a threat and who is a blind follower. Those who threaten the female narcissist in any way (whether it be through their success, appearance, personality, resources, status, desirability or all of the above) must be extinguished, while those who are obedient will be kept around until their resources have been sufficiently depleted.

Those who present a threat are initially placed on a pedestal to keep up appearances in the social circle, but later set up to fail and promptly thrust off. The malignant female narcissist’s starry-eyed admiration of her target is soon revealed to bear an undercurrent of contempt, envy and rage.

As psychotherapist Christine Louis de Canonville puts it, “When it comes to envy, there is no one more envious than the narcissistic woman.”

3. She sabotages your friendships and relationships, stirring chaos within social groups.

The female narcissist may use her affiliation with her target to gain access to resources or status, but as soon as the idealization phase is over, the devaluation and discard follows. She then engages in rumor-mongering, smear campaigns and creates ‘triangles’ where she feeds others false or humiliating information about the victim. She may pit her friends against each other by claiming that they are gossiping about one another, when in fact, it is her falsehoods that are actually manufacturing conflict within the group. By subjecting her victims to covert and overt put-downs, she is able to then confirm her own false sense of superiority.

You are probably dealing with a female narcissist or sociopath in your group of female friends if:

• You notice an uncomfortable silence, a covert exchange of looks or odd energy when you enter the room. The friend who is overly friendly in contrast, happens to be the very person who is speaking about you behind your back.
• You are idealized by your female friend, sweet-talked, admired, praised and shown off in the beginning of the friendship. You might have found yourself sharing your most intimate secrets early on, due to her disarmingly sweet and trustworthy demeanor. Later, you find yourself being excluded by them in group conversations, social events or invites. You hear about your deepest secrets being spoken about with derision among the group or rumors based on vulnerabilities and fears you confided in your friend about. You also notice a chilling smugness when your female friend talks down to you or as she devalues your accomplishments.
• You bear witness to the narcissistic female friend frequently speaking ill of your other friends in an excessively contemptuous tone, while appearing friendly and engaging with them in public. This is evidence of her duplicity and ability to deceive. An authentic person might vent about others occasionally in the event of stress or conflict, but would not engage in excessive gossip or indiscriminate character assassination. He or she would be more likely to cut ties with those they thought were toxic or address it to them directly rather than bashing them unnecessarily. Make no mistake, the way they’re speaking about others is the way they’ll eventually speak about you.

4. She has an obsession with her appearance as well as a high level of materialism and superficiality. 

This could also translate into a haughty sense of intellectual superiority, if the narcissist in question is more cerebral than somatic (focused more on her mind rather than her body).

As Christine Hammond, LMHC (2015), notes in her article, The Difference Between Male and Female Narcissists, the female narcissist “battles with other females for dominance” and while male narcissists use their charm along with their appearance to achieve their goals, “females use it to gain superiority.”

Female narcissists fit the ‘femme fatale’ stereotype quite well. Many of them are conventionally attractive and, much like the male somatic narcissist, use their sexuality to their advantage. Since females in our society are also socialized to objectify themselves, the female narcissist follows this social norm to use whatever physical assets she has to assert her power.

Hammond (2015) also observes that while males are more likely to obtain money, female narcissists tend to excessively spend it. This may result in a highly materialistic female narcissist who enjoys adorning herself with the best designer clothing, indulging in luxuries at the expense of her loved ones or allowing herself to be excessively catered to by a wealthy significant other. Female narcissists can also accumulate their own wealth and use it as an indication of her superiority as well.

For the more cerebral narcissist, the female in question might use her accumulation of credentials, degrees, and accomplishments to control and terrorize others. For example, a narcissistic female professor may routinely subject her students to hypercriticism, bullying and cruel taunts under the guise of “constructive criticism,” usually targeting her most talented and brilliant female students in the classroom. This is because, despite her own expertise and position of power, she is still threatened by any other female whose intellect might surpass hers.

 5. A blatant disregard for the boundaries of intimate relationships, including her own.

In keeping with typical narcissistic behavior regardless of gender, the female narcissist is likely to have a harem of admirers – consisting of exes that never seem to go away, admirers who always seem to lurk in the background and complete strangers she ensnares into her web to evoke jealousy in her romantic partner. She frequently creates love triangles with her significant other and other males (or females, depending on her sexual orientation). She rejoices in male attention and boasts about being the object of desire. She engages in emotional and/or physical infidelity, usually without remorse and with plenty of gaslighting and deception directed at her partner, who usually dotes on her and spoils her, unaware of the extent of her disloyalty.

She also crosses the boundaries of her female friendships by attempting to “make a move” on the partners of her friends. She is disappointed and envious when her “seduction” falls flat or when her friends enjoy more attention from their partners than she does. To a baffled outsider, a female narcissist’s betrayal is incredibly hurtful and traumatizing – but to the observant eye, it is a clear sign of how far the female narcissist’s pathological sense of entitlement goes.

I suspect I am dealing with a female narcissist. Now what?

If you are dealing with a female malignant narcissist in a friendship, relationship or in a formal or professional setting, be on guard. Remember that they can “turn” at any moment, so don’t be fooled into thinking you will ever be the exception to their interpersonal exploitation. If you are dealing with one in a professional context, stick to e-mail or small talk that can be easily documented. Do not reveal personal information in the early stages of a budding relationship that can later be used against you.

If a female narcissist wants to spend all her time with you and is pressuring you to spend time with them constantly, minimize communication and slow things down. According to life coach Wendy Powell (2015), this can be an excellent way to discourage narcissists from dating you as well. In addition, it can reveal her ‘true self’ more quickly, whether in a relationship or friendship.

A female narcissist’s response to your boundaries will tell you all that you need to know. Most narcissists cannot stand to be ignored; they feel entitled to your constant attention, so they will continue to make persistent efforts until they get it or attempt to sabotage you if they fail.

If you notice that a female friend of yours tends to spread rumors or engages in malicious gossip, try to cut the interaction short and excuse yourself – remember that the toxic person will try to convince others that you are the one speaking ill of them, so anything you say in agreement can and will be used against you.

Stay calm whenever a female narcissist tries to provoke you; your indifference and courage in the face of their threats or insults is actually your greatest ‘tool’ against their tactics. It unsettles them when a target is not so easily rattled, because that means there is something more powerful about their victim than they expected.

If you’re being smeared by a female narcissist, calmly state the facts of the situation to your friends and take note as to who stands up for you and who believes in the female narcissist.

Remember that in the presence of a persuasive narcissist or sociopath, there will always be a few people who are fooled. Do not waste your energy on trying to convince them; if they are that easily fooled by someone else’s claims rather than your track record of loyalty and support, they do not deserve your friendship. You’ll find that they will uncover the truth for themselves eventually – and even if they continue to enable the narcissist’s behavior, they still get the short end of the stick because they chose the fake friend who can turn on them at any point.

Detach from the narcissist’s harem and stick with the people who do support and defend you. Do not be swayed by flattery or charm in the early stages of any interaction – if it is genuine, it will be given as positive feedback throughout your friendship or relationship and you will not be blindsided by a sudden personality transplant.

Remember that a narcissist’s greatest fears are exposure and a victim that they cannot control. So long as you are deeply grounded in your own self-validation, any narcissist – whether male or female – cannot truly use the threat of tarnishing your reputation or friendships against you, because they know you will see any loss of such disloyal friends as a gain. They also know that deep down, while they will spend their entire lives trying to protect their false image, your own integrity will continue to speak for itself.

References

Bressert, S. (2016). Antisocial Personality Disorder Symptoms. Psych Central. Retrieved on May 18, 2017.

Centifanti, L. C. M., Fanti, K. A., Thomson, N. D., Demetriou, V., & Anastassiou-Hadjicharalambous, X. (2015). Types of Relational Aggression in Girls Are Differentiated by Callous-Unemotional Traits, Peers and Parental Overcontrol. Behavioral Sciences, 5(4), 518–536. http://doi.org/10.3390/bs5040518

De Canonville, C. L. (2014, November 10). The typical narcissistic woman as friend. Retrieved July 24, 2017.

Hammond, C. (2015, July 2). The difference between male and female narcissists. Retrieved July 24, 2017.

Lancer, D. (2016, November 10). Are you dealing with a sociopath or a narcissist? Retrieved July 24, 2017.

Powell, W. (2015, February 3). 10 ways to discourage narcissists from dating you. Retrieved July 24, 2017.

Sansone, R. A., & Sansone, L. A. (2011). Gender Patterns in Borderline Personality Disorder. Innovations in Clinical Neuroscience, 8(5), 16–20.

This was first published on Psych Central as The Female Malignant Narcissist Is Just As Dangerous As Her Male Counterpart. 

People With Their Read Receipts On (PWTRRO): what is going on? Are you deranged? Who hurt you? Why are you the worst type of person in the texting community?

I almost always threatening to smash my phone over certain texting faux pas (people who use “lol” after every sentence, people who can’t pick up on contextual sarcasm, people who conclude texts with periods, Android users) but the Holy Grail of Terrible People has got to be PWTRRO.

What are you trying to prove, you sociopaths?

Look, everyone is ignoring everyone. Nobody is talking, communication doesn’t exist anymore. It’s over. That’s fine. And I am a huge supporter of reading texts and then forgetting to respond for several days. You bet I’ll shoot off a series of texts and then immediately fall asleep before the person can answer. I’m a monster and do little to nothing to change any of it.

But nothing drives me more insane than discovering for the first time that the person I’m texting has their read receipts on. Why are you subjecting me to this nonsense? Ignore my messages behind my back like a functioning member of society, you psychos.

PWTRRO have their own circle in hell—along with people who FaceTime out of the blue, people who try to make small talk over text, and overactive group text participants.

aaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.

And what kind of sadistic phone feature is this? Who approved this?

I’ve come across many convincing predators in my lifetime, but perhaps none are more skilled and dangerous than the proverbial wolf in sheep’s clothing. This term’s origins goes as far back as the bible: “Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves” (Matthew 7:15). It is used to describe those who appear to be harmless but are actually sneaky, conniving saboteurs looking to fulfill their own selfish agenda at the expense of everyone else’s rights.

This term is quite fitting for the toxic manipulators, covert narcissists or sociopaths who dress themselves as innocent, charitable people while committing unspeakable acts of violence behind closed doors. These predators can come across as agreeable, kind, successful, giving, even shy, insecure and introverted; they can also have a deeply seductive charisma that draws people into their toxicity. Yet their glowing public image is no match for their nefarious private deeds. These wolves lurk anywhere and everywhere, waiting to ensnare their victims into their twisted web.

Another word for the wolf in sheep’s clothing is “the covert aggressor.” Dr. George Simon, the author of In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding And Dealing With Manipulative People, notes:

“If you’re dealing with a person who rarely gives you a straight answer to a straight question, is always making excuses for doing hurtful things, tries to make you feel guilty, or uses any of the other tactics to throw you on the defensive and get their way, you can assume you’re dealing with a person who — no matter what else he may be — is covertly aggressive.”

There is no limit to where these covert manipulators and aggressors can be found. They may be drawn to careers that distinguish them as givers rather than takers, but ultimately, their own self-interest takes precedent over the welfare of any of the people they purport to help.

They could be the head therapist of a counseling center; they may be the pastors at your church, the leaders of altruistic companies, passionate advocates of the local charity. They could be the seemingly benevolent social worker, the compassionate teacher, the seemingly selfless counselor.

According to Dr. Martha Stout, author of The Sociopath Next Door, covert manipulators rely on our empathic nature to get us to fall for them. They prey on our sympathy and our compassion, our willingness to give toxic people the benefit of the doubt. That is why wolves in sheep’s clothing get away with their behavior, time and time again.

Yet there is one thing that can distinguish them early on.

Aside from their use of pity to make you feel sorry for them and their inability to correct their toxic behavior or own up to it, there is one thing I’ve noticed that consistently exposes wolves in sheep’s clothing and differentiates them from those who are genuine. This can help distinguish them even in the early onset of any sort of relationship or interaction with them.

Contempt. 

Initially when a wolf in sheep’s clothing tries to “groom” you into making you their victim, they may act humble, generous, soft-spoken. They are heavy-handed with their compliments, their praise and their laser-focused attention (also known as love-bombing). They are seemingly empathic. Yet their true self is always eventually revealed once you get closer to them and actually realize they lack the emotional equipment to follow through with their promises or perceived character.

If you observe a manipulator closely, they always display micro-signals of contempt when they are speaking. No matter how hard they try to disguise these beneath their façade, their disgust for the human race and the silly “morals” of lesser mortals seeps through every pore of their skin, every shift in their tone, every twitch in their gestures. It seeps through their proposed principles and exposes their real feelings. It finds its way into their rhetoric and the ways in which they talk about the world, the way they speak about others, and eventually, the ways in which they’ll come to speak about you.

Whenever you’re in the presence of a ravenous wolf, you will at some point notice a look of disdain, or a haughty tone of voice when they talk about people they consider “beneath” them. It’s the air of perceived superiority that distinguishes them – and they can’t keep the mask on for long, either.

They may suddenly speak rudely about a friend who they once praised (who you later find out they are envious of); they may abruptly devolve into a scathing manifesto about the waiter who ‘failed’ to give them the right order; they may suddenly start to attack an ex-girlfriend or ex-boyfriend who left them with a shocking hostility that seems altogether out of place with their sweet nature.

You may witness them giving the cold shoulder or cruel, undeserving reprimands to the people who have been nothing but kind and loyal to them. And undoubtedly, you will be placed next in their queue of unsuspecting victims.

When the person who once soothed you with sweet nothings, grand gestures and loving support morphs into a person who is speaking with excessive hatred or disdain for people they don’t know, or people who they do know all too well, watch out. You’re probably in the presence of someone who will one day look down upon you, too.

Contempt is also prominent throughout the abuse cycle with a covert wolf. In the devaluation phase of any relationship with a narcissist, this type of perpetrator who once made you feel like you were the only one in the room – suddenly swoops you off the pedestal and makes you beg for their approval.

They do this by dishing out intense contempt and dislike targeted towards you periodically throughout the relationship.

Where once they couldn’t get enough of your personality, your talents, your attention, now they act as if everything you do makes you beneath them. They once celebrated your achievements; now they act as if you are a burden.

They pin the blame on you for things that were their fault. When you speak out or protest their unfair behavior, they make you out to be the “troublemaker” when you are actually just the truth-teller. They blindside you by making you the scapegoat, the black sheep they must persecute and devalue so no one realizes it is they who are the wolves in sheep’s clothing.

Wolves are out for blood, for live prey, and malignant narcissists are no different. They will treat you appallingly once they’ve gotten you hooked on their praise and presence.

They will treat you are like you are nothing to them, even though they initially pretended you were everything.

To wean yourself off from any sense of self-blame you may be feeling, remember that the way a predatory individual idealized you and any other victim is temporary – it is used as bait.

Once wolves have trapped their prey, they have no mercy in devouring you. This is just their nature and it has nothing to do with what you might have done or who you are. It becomes clear that you were not the woman or man of their dreams as they claimed you were: you were just used as sustenance.

To detach from a wolf? You must develop a sense of “contempt” or disgust for their wrongdoings and the holes in their dubious character. Replace your once idealized fantasy of who they were with the truth, and you will find yourself less likely to fall prey to their schemes.

Once a wolf, always a wolf – but you don’t have to remain their sheep.

One of the reasons why it’s so difficult to explain what happens when you’re involved with a sociopath is that you don’t have the words.

Because of the general lack of awareness about personality disorders in society, and the lack of education about it, there is no generally accepted terminology to describe various aspects of the experience.

But descriptive language has evolved among online communities of survivors. Here is a vocabulary to help you name what you experienced. When you can name it, you can begin to recover from it.

1. Love Bombing

When sociopaths set about reeling you in, a key seduction strategy is love bombing. They shower you with attention and affection, want to be with you all the time, make you feel like the most important person in the world.

Not all sociopaths engage in love bombing, but many do. In fact, they may use the strategy even when a relationship isn’t romantic, for example, flattering you if you’re the boss.

2. Target

That would be you. Sociopaths don’t look at you as a friend, colleague or romantic partner, they look at you as a target to be exploited.

When sociopaths meet you, they first evaluate you to determine if you have anything that they want, then figure out what your vulnerabilities are, and then use your vulnerabilities to get you to give them what they want.

3. Pity Play

Here’s another key sociopathic seduction strategy: the pity play. Sociopaths try to make you feel sorry for them. They will tell you about their abusive childhood, or their cheating exes, or their dictatorial bosses. Of course, they lie a lot, so the stories may or may not be true.

The bottom line is that sociopaths intentionally use your empathy against you.

4. Jekyll and Hyde

This classic story of a man who turns from mild-mannered to monster perfectly describes the behavior of sociopaths. One minute they love you, the next minute they hate you. They change like flipping a switch, and you have absolutely no idea what triggered it.

5. Gaslighting

In the 1944 movie called Gaslight, the villain intentionally tries to make his wife feel like she’s losing her mind. If you watch the movie, you might wonder, who does that? Sociopaths do.

Sociopaths will tell you something, and then deny they ever said the words. They will hide objects and ask you what you did with them. They will ask you to do something, and then after you do it, ask you why you did it. Their goal is to make you doubt your own perceptions.

6. Flying Monkeys

Here’s another movie reference — The Wizard of Oz. In this film, the flying monkeys do the bidding of the Wicked Witch of the West. Sociopaths often find their own flying monkeys people who do their dirty work.

Some of these stooges gleefully go along with the sociopaths’ schemes. But others are manipulated themselves and have no idea that they are part of a plot. For example, sociopaths are capable of turning your own family members against you without them even knowing it.

7. Devalue and Discard

Once upon a time, you were the most important person in the world. But sooner or later, sociopaths are finished with you. They’ve taken all your love, money or whatever it was that they wanted, and you are totally depleted.

Now you are no longer useful, so the sociopaths rationalize that there is no reason to keep you around. You are discarded.

8. Smear Campaign

As your involvement with the sociopaths deteriorates, you may look for support among your friends and family. To your shock, nobody believes you.

Long before you realize that the sociopaths are toxic, they start undermining you with everyone you know. They wonder aloud about your mental or emotional stability. They tell outrageous stories about how you have wronged them all lies. But they are so convincing that their accusations stick, and your support system is gone.

9. Hoovering

Finally, it’s over. Either you escape from the sociopaths or you are discarded either way, you are doing your best to move on.

Then they’re back. The sociopaths are hoovering, as in the vacuum cleaner, trying to suck you back in. They tell you they realize they made a mistake, they treated you badly, they’re sorry, they’ll never do it again. Don’t fall for it. It’s just the same scam, the sequel.

10. No Contact

To escape and recover from sociopaths, the best strategy is No Contact. Get away and stay away. Do not see them, do not talk to them, do not text them, do not visit their Facebook page. Time and distance will help you clear the fog from your head and regain your footing.

When No Contact isn’t possible — perhaps if you share children with the sociopath — pursue Emotional No Contact. That means you understand what they are, that they will not change, and you no longer let them get under your skin.

There is a misconception that smart women in our society don’t fall for sociopaths or narcissists. Yet over the course of five years writing on this topic, I’ve conversed with highly intelligent and insightful women from all walks of life who’ve fallen prey to a sociopath’s schemes. Lawyers, journalists, counselors, CEOs of companies, wise mothers, skilled entrepreneurs, psychiatrists, life coaches, doctors, authors – you name it!

It doesn’t matter what industry they hail from or what university they attended or how articulate they are or what life wisdom they have to share; no one is entirely immune to a sociopath’s charms, no matter how brilliant they may be. Even experts like Dr. Robert Hare, creator of the Hare Psychopathy Checklist, admits to being duped from time to time – even while possessing all the knowledge and expertise possible to protect himself against these predators.

That’s because falling for a sociopath, a narcissist or a psychopath has very little to do with a lack of intelligence, knowledge, strength or character.  In fact, the more we possess these desirable traits, the more likely we’ll be targeted. It has more to do with the strength of the predator’s false mask, the qualities that make us “useful” to a manipulator, as well as our internal wounding.

Here are five reasons why smart women (and men) fall for sociopaths:

1. Our tendency to project our own morality, empathy and conscience onto people makes us vulnerable to manipulators.

We are socialized to give people the benefit of the doubt, to rationalize abusive behavior and look for reasons to excuse the toxicity of an individual. Intelligent individuals tend to be more introspective, so they may even try to share in the blame for the mistreatment they endured and “look within” for any and every possible explanation.

This introspectiveness can be used against us by sociopaths. We sympathize with the plight of predators and are prone to pointing to what must be their “low self-esteem” or traumatic childhood that led to them behaving this way. While we’re busy excusing their behavior, they’re busy getting away with it.

As Dr. Stout, author of The Sociopath Next Door notes, simply being human makes us vulnerable to these types because we have a conscience and a natural inability to recognize when we’re dealing with the conscienceless. We can’t “fathom” that someone might lack empathy or remorse because that’s simply not how we are wired, so we assume everyone else feels similarly. It takes a lot of deprogramming to even begin to recognize that a manipulator may not have our best interests at heart – and that they do not care about who they hurt in the process of getting what they want.

2. Past traumas may have conditioned us into associating love with abuse.

While this factor doesn’t apply to everyone, there are survivors who have also endured childhood abuse or bullying in addition to their relationship with an emotional predator. These subconscious wounds can make us more susceptible to tolerating abusive behavior as well as denying or minimizing when it occurs because we have more porous boundaries and have learned to associate love with violence or danger.

This can also work vice versa: a victim who has had a loving childhood can also fall prey to these predatory types because they haven’t encountered a conscienceless individual before and may not know what to look for to identify one.

3. Predators naturally gravitate to those who have the qualities and resources they need. Many survivors are targeted because of their intelligence and success, not in spite of it.

Think about it: a wealthy, successful, articulate, empathic and beautiful woman is a “shiny object” to a narcissist or sociopath who wants some eye candy on his arm or an extra source of income. The most sadistic of these predators rejoice in taking down a particularly strong target and making her feel weak.

The more you have, the more likely you’ll be a target, because manipulators want to tap into your internal and external resources. That’s why smart women tend to fall for sociopaths – not just because they find themselves gravitating towards these predators, but because these predators gravitate towards them.

4. Our vulnerabilities have very little to do with our intelligence or the rational parts of our brain – they have more to do with our wounding.

Sociopaths and narcissists sense the emotional gaps in our lives; they prey on our losses and wherever they think they can temporarily meet a void. If they know that we’re recently out of a breakup and feeling especially lonely, or that we’re grieving a loss of a loved one, they know how to mirror our deepest desires and fill that empty space.

They learn all of our strengths and weaknesses while love-bombing us, so they know how to morph into what we’re most desperately looking for. The traumas they inflict on us, through the idealization, devaluation and discard cycle, affects the emotional parts of our brain. It affects our subconscious, which can trigger hardwired beliefs and insecurities we may not even be aware of. Even the smartest of individuals may know deep down they’re being duped, but their desire to be loved (a very normal human desire, mind you) may take precedence over what they know to be true.

5. Skilled manipulators have a lifetime’s worth of practice – and their victims may have a history of doubting themselves.

Even the most discerning of individuals can gaslight themselves when meeting a wolf in sheep’s clothing. Women especially are gaslighted by society to distrust their perceptions and invalidate their own emotions. Narcissists tend to be charming and can fool even judges, psychiatrists, law enforcement officials and experts. We believe in and invest in the false mask because the abuser’s true self does not come out until later in the relationship. By that time, these emotional con artists are already off gallivanting with their latest victim.

If you were the victim of an emotional con artist, know that it was not your fault. You can own your agency and power in rebuilding your life without blaming yourself. You can attain the knowledge and self-trust to practice being more discerning in the future, to learn the red flags and to work on healing any wounds or vulnerabilities that make you extra susceptible to these types.

Just keep in mind that no one is truly ever completely immune to being the target of a manipulator.

“How can you be so young and know so much about narcissism and psychopathy?” I’ve been met with this question frequently as an author in my twenties who writes about psychological abuse and covert emotional predators. The answer is, on the surface, simple: the child of a narcissistic parent becomes primed to meet more predators in adulthood. We tend to have porous boundaries, a high degree of empathy, resilience and intuition that gets used against us by toxic people. So we often go through a lifetime’s worth of experiences early on that give us hard-won wisdom and insights about toxic people at every point on the spectrum.

I’ve met toxic people across various contexts – from romantic to platonic to professional. From the familial to the foe. From the garden-variety narcissist to the eerie psychopath or sociopath (colloquial terms for those with antisocial traits and a lack of conscience).

I took my findings from childhood and supplemented my real-life experiences with an educational background in psychology and sociology in adulthood. I spent years communicating with and surveying survivors of covert emotional abuse about their experiences.

As a result, I learned not only to identify predators, but to study them, to find ways to counter their manipulative tactics and help other survivors like myself detach and heal.

Here are eleven things I learned about sociopaths, narcissists and toxic people by the age of twenty-seven – that I think everyone should know:

1. There is a spectrum of toxicity, but those who are on the high end of that spectrum, like malignant narcissists, are unlikely to change.

You couldn’t change them no matter how hard you tried – so don’t blame yourself for their behavior or waste energy trying. While there are some people with toxic traits that can change their behavior and are willing to do so, the ones who are disordered will continue in their toxic behavior regardless of how much you try to point out their wrongdoings and transgressions.

2. Contrary to popular belief, not every toxic person is toxic because of a tragic past. Nor do they all suffer from low self-esteem.

Some are born toxic, continue to be character disordered and have no conscience or remorse for their actions. Their brains are inherently different, revealing deficits in areas of the brain related to empathy and compassion. They may know right from wrong but they simply do not care. Many grandiose narcissists on the high level of the spectrum deem themselves superior and feel entitled to anything and everything. That’s why they deliberately destroy lives and sabotage people – because they can and they are rewarded by it. The highly disordered do not always destroy others because they are “suffering in pain.” They do so because they know they can get away with it.

3. You can’t rationalize a sociopath’s behavior and feel pity for someone who actively tries to destroy you time and time again – it will only keep you stuck in the cycle of abuse.

When you’re led to feel guilty about setting boundaries with them or cutting off contact, that makes it all the more difficult to detach from them and realize you don’t deserve their treatment. Feeling pity for them in place of healthy boundaries is usually a waste of energy you could be feeling for their actual victims or showing compassion for yourself.

4. Empathy deficiency is on the rise, so we need to stop assuming that everyone has our best interest at heart.

Researchers like Martha Stout estimate that 1 in 25 Americans are sociopathic, meaning they have no conscience. Narcissism is on the rise too among the younger generation. With the prevalence of toxicity among us, education and awareness about psychopathy and narcissism is needed more than ever. Pretending that everyone has a conscience or the ability to empathize will only lead to continued rationalization of destructive behavior – at the expense of your own basic needs and rights.

5. The only way to “win” with a toxic person is to not to play their game – or at least, refusing to play on their level.

Otherwise, you risk losing your own humanity in the process if you’re continually consumed by one-upping them. It’s very difficult to “battle” someone with no remorse or empathy. Cutting off all contact and communication – what we call “No Contact,” is the ideal way to deal with highly toxic people. It’s not always possible, but it’s the ideal. Once you start to breathe fresher air, you’re less likely to tolerate toxicity in the future.

6. When No Contact isn’t possible, Low Contact is the next best step.

This means keeping only the minimum amount of contact with the toxic person (only when necessary) while setting firm boundaries and becoming emotionally unreactive to the narcissist’s mind games. Remember, your emotional reactions are their fuel.

7. Self-validation is key when you’re moving forward.

You have to be able to say to yourself every day, “I did the right thing by leaving. I didn’t deserve their abuse.” When you’re addicted to gaining the approval and validation of a toxic sociopath or narcissist, you’re still ensnared in their sick and twisted manipulation.

8. There are people who won’t believe you and unfortunately, you won’t convince them.

Sociopathic predators are very skilled at fooling and duping others. They can be very likeable and charming. They can provoke their victims into reacting after months or years of covert abuse, only to use those reactions as proof that their victims are unstable. The malignant narcissists who walk among you are probably people you know and like – and if you haven’t personally been victimized by them, you’re none the wiser to who they truly are behind closed doors.

9. Enablers of narcissists and sociopaths can be toxic too.

When manipulators use others to carry out their dirty work for them, their actions can be just as destructive and toxic as those of the original perpetrators. Enablers exist on a spectrum, just like toxic people – all the way from the confused, blissfully ignorant bystanders to the malicious fellow con artists. Some people truly believe that the manipulators in question are “good” and since predators have a great deal of social proof that others like and approve of them, they are able to continue on their façade with alarming ease with the support of people who stand by their side.

10. You’ll know you’re in the presence of someone toxic just by the way you feel. So don’t discount your instincts.

If you don’t always feel this way with others but with them you feel off balance, hurt, confused, constantly mistreated and devalued – you’re in the presence of an emotional predator. Empathic people know when they’ve made mistakes and own up to them. They don’t avoid accountability for their actions, even if they inadvertently hurt people. Sociopaths do – and they do not care who they hurt. They do not care about your feelings. They do not care about your needs. So always remember that if you’re consistently not feeling good – or you’re feeling “love-bombed” one second and terrorized the next, this is not someone who is emotionally safe.

11. The truth does eventually come out, even if you’re not there to witness it.

When victims of covert malignant narcissists finally move forward, enablers are left in the dust as well – though they don’t know it yet. Narcissists and sociopaths only treat their enablers well so long as they serve them. So, eventually, they turn on the people who helped them carry out their dirty work too when they are no longer useful. All those who supported the perpetrators will one day remember the day their victims tried to get them to see the truth. Unfortunately, by that time, it’ll be too late.

1. She set herself on fire after losing her baby.

“I have spent time inside a few different psychiatric facilities. I met a lot of interesting folks. Many years ago, there was a lady with horrific burns scars. From her head down her entire body. She was chronically depressed. She was very badly disfigured. She was just the sweetest person ever. Always a kind word for anyone and happy to listen. I bugged one of the nurses to tell me why she was covered in burns. I was told she set herself on fire after losing her baby.”

—GandalfThaGhey

2. He said he talked to the voices inside his head because they were his only friends.

“When I was doing psych clerkship as a med student, there was a schizophrenic patient with the usual signs: auditory hallucinations, disheveled appearance, no expression on his face.

He admitted to voices talking to him. The resident I was shadowing, asked him what the voices say to him, and he refused to answer that question. Then she informed him that they can give him some medications to make the voices go away, and he immediately rebuked that option (mind you, still displaying no expression on his face the whole time). When the resident asked him ‘Why?,’ he replied, ‘They are my only friends.’

That hit hard.”

—ThisWasAWasteOfTime

3. Kid was completely dissociative. Would randomly just start screaming asking his mother to stop hitting him.

“Kid that was completely dissociative. Would randomly just start screaming asking his mother to stop hitting him. He was pretty low functioning so it was really hard to process. He would look at me and tell me how she beat him with chains and belts. The doctor believed that the young man felt like he was in safe environment for the first time in his life and his mind was allowing him to re-remember past trauma.”

—jgoods77

4. She wanted to be a better wife and mother…even though she had no husband or children.

“In a day treatment facility I volunteered for, I led a writing group to help people develop goals and motivation to continue in treatment. One woman gave really strong and compelling answers about wanting to improve her health to be a better wife and mother (have the energy to run around and play with her kids, etc.).

Several weeks after beginning the group, I mention this to another therapist, who informs me this woman has no husband or children, and never has.”

—theYoungLurks

5. Nine-year-old child calmly and purposefully drowned a toddler because the toddler’s mother had refused to allow the nine-year-old to have another lollipop.

“Child psych, acute inpatient.

Nine-year-old child who calmly and purposefully drowned a toddler because the toddler’s mother had refused to allow the nine-year-old to have another lollipop.

There was no spark of anything in that 9-year-old’s eyes. No life, no humanity. It was stark-cold terrifying.”

—JaydeRaven

6. My worst was a 4-year-old with extensive physical and sexual abuse. Social services found her tied to a tree. She did not meet any typical milestones and would grunt to communicate.

“I worked as an RN in an inpatient psych unit. We admitted any age (youngest was 2) and would have some violent individuals with minimal staffing. My worst was a 4-year-old with extensive physical and sexual abuse. Social services found her tied to a tree. She did not meet any typical milestones and would grunt to communicate. I left three times during the admission process to choke back tears. It was the beginning of the end for my career working in psych. I had the thickest skin and could tolerate the toughest of situations. I couldn’t take how an individual could corrupt something so innocent.”

—OiCu8ONE2

8. At home, he had beat up the family cat to the point of its bones breaking because he liked the sounds the cat made. He had raped a younger sister with some of his toys. He was five.

“I’ve worked at a psych unit for teens/children for a couple years. I think the scariest for me personally was a five-year-old we had. He was well behaved and actually really cute. At home, he had beat up the family cat to the point of its bones breaking because he liked the sounds the cat made. He had raped a younger sister with some of his toys. He is the youngest I’ve ever encountered with sociopathic tendencies :(”

—09cjones1

9. He kept babbling in Spanish about demons coming to get him.

“I had a kid once that kept freaking out during the night shift. He was from South America and kept babbling in Spanish about demons coming to get him, and I barely understand Spanish so there wasn’t much I could do to calm him down.

He abruptly stopped screaming and went dead silent with huge eyes… looking directly at something behind me. I turned around and there was nothing there but he kept staring anyway.

I didn’t get much sleep after that shift.”

—Badloss

10. She was so suicidal and distraught that she was biting chunks out of her own shoulder.

“I worked on a juvenile psych unit. I had to put a girl in restraints that included her head because she was so suicidal and distraught that she was biting chunks out of her own shoulder.

Maybe three years later I took a bus to interview for a graduate psych program. When I switched buses, a nicely dressed girl asked me if I was from Colorado. I said ‘yes.’ Then she asked me if I worked on a psych unit. It was her, all better. We chatted for a while and I told her how happy I was to see her doing so well. She smiled, thanked me, and we said our goodbyes.”

—omnichronos

11. The look of sheer terror in his face and the shaky voice have stuck with me.

“Young man who was suffering from drug induced psychosis. He had smoked some spice and was taken to out hospital with involuntary status. He stayed for over a month with no signs of remission. He covered the entire spectrum of psychotic behaviors during his stay but the worst was when he would pop into reality for a moment. The look of sheer terror in his face and the shaky voice have stuck with me. His family broke down during visitation and only his father could manage weekly visits afterwards. Chemically induced psychosis, from my experience, is game over most of the time. I’ve seen a few people recover to a degree but never fully. Don’t fuck with spice.”

—MrMcScruffles

12. He had in a way started to assume the identity of his little sister and he considered the girls in the pictures he cut out his friends.

“I worked in the dental clinic of a psychiatric hospital for a bit and I’ll never forget a patient named Terry. Terry loved to wear little girls’ clothing and would have pictures of little girls that he had cut out of magazines on a string around his neck. When I first encountered him I automatically made the assumption that he was some sort of pedophile. I later learned from the dentist I had worked with that Terry had witnessed his little sister being brutally raped and murdered by their stepfather when they were children. He had in a way started to assume the identity of his little sister and he considered the girls in the pictures he cut out his friends. I felt horrible for jumping to conclusions, especially after I got to know him more and saw what a gentle, kind soul he was.”

—sweepingpines

13. The very definition of hell.

“Had a dementia patient, among other things I imagine, but I was just the nursing assistant. I don’t get much for patient histories just whether they can walk unassisted or poo on their own.

She was a very kind sweet old lady. She thought of herself as a young mother, so she carried a doll with her, wrapped in a blanket. She was even allowed a baby bed and every night she would tuck her baby in beside her bed. Then she would talk about the baby growing inside her belly. She would go on very coherently about her pregnancy and her child. She had me believing she lived in this sweet fantasy land that was set on repeat.

But it would all abruptly end and start over once her baby was due and there was no new baby. She would mope for about a month, super depressed, not eating, nonstop crying she could not be consoled, she’d get fairly violent…then it would start over, she’d just wake up one morning and as happy as could be, ‘Did you hear the great news!? I’m going to have another baby!’

One night she got all tucked in and forgot to tuck her baby in. I noticed and said, ‘I can tuck Susan in for the night’ and reached in to get her baby. The woman throat punched me hard. I dropped the baby doll when I fell over gasping for air. She then started to lose it as she was trying to further assault me, yelling at me about driving too fast and destroying everything she loved.

Once the dust settled it was shared with me that she was pregnant once upon a time, and she already had a 1 year old. The husband and the 1 year old got in an accident on the way to the hospital, they both died. She was so distraught over it she gave the newborn up for adoption. That’s why her delusions start over after the due date and she is so mad in between. I imagine some residual guilt/anger for her loss is what cause her to throat punch me for taking her doll.

When I first started working there I just thought she was some fun old delusional lady. I never expected the delusions to have back stories. It’s heartbreaking…Dementia seems horrifying enough when its described as ‘being confused, or losing your mind,’ but it seems so much worse when it’s, ‘repeat your worst life experience over and over until you die.’…To constantly be stuck in the time leading up to your most traumatic experience and reliving it over and over…the very definition of hell in my opinion.”

—Penetrative

14. A butt-naked little old lady tried to corner me while swinging a commode at me.

“Not specifically at a psychiatric ward but had a patient at the hospital with severe dementia. I had gotten her up and out of the bed to the bedside commode (bedside toilet) and while trying to get her back in bed she demanded I get my hands off of her, she took a step back away from me, ripped off her gown and was completely naked, grabbed the commode and started attempting to swing it at me while accusing me of making racial slurs towards her. I had to end up calling the charge nurse who proceeded to call security. Well, about a minute later security comes running in the room and busts out laughing as he seems a butt-naked little old lady trying to corner me while swinging a commode at me.”

—Fopom1

15. He had been raped by his father and was going to go back to live with him in a camper by the lake.

“I was in a juvenile psych unit. A 16-year-old kid was in for molesting his 3-year-old sister. He was court ordered to be there for a period of time. I found out that he was raped by his father. I asked him where he would be going after release (because he couldn’t go back into his home with his sister). He told me his father had found a camper and put it at a lake and he would be living there until he graduated.

Yes, the same father that raped him.

His head was so fucked.”

—toethumbrn

16. She witnessed her mother’s brutal murder at age 4…the things she would scream when actively psychotic were truly some of the saddest, most terrible things I have ever heard.

“This schizophrenic woman whose psychosis had the real-life origin of Dexter the TV character.

She witnessed her mother’s brutal murder at age 4 and was not found for almost a week. The things she would scream when actively psychotic were truly some of the saddest, most terrible things I have ever heard.

She could be pretty lucid on good days, and had a real affinity for flowers. One of the things she most liked to do was take a cab to town when all the staff was distracted making lunch, buy a bunch of flowers, take the cab back and waltz back into her suite carrying an insane (literally) amount of daisies and shit. By then we would be frantically looking for her, and suddenly an angry cabby shows up ranting about payment. She was pretty fantastic.”

—Aggressivecleaning

17. Told us about their marriage with Jesus, how their 250 grandkids are doing, why we were getting fired, and then yelling at themselves for firing us.

“Working at a psychiatric hospital at the moment. Honestly, it depends on the day. What’s interesting to me is how someone is fine the next day but will stand up randomly and shout ‘I need my kitty titties!’ the next. One that was consistently troubled was a patient with hallucinations and schizophrenia. Told us about their marriage with Jesus, how their 250 grandkids are doing, why we were getting fired and then yelling at themselves for firing us.”

—alurkerwhomannedup

18. Had a patient try to cut their tongue out. They almost succeeded.

“Had a patient try to cut their tongue out. They almost succeeded.

Had another patient who cycled through almost 100 foster homes in their youth.

I have seen violence and gore. I’ve seen severe delusions. Worked with refugees. The one that sticks with me the most is the patient who was married to their spouse for over 60 years. The spouse was supportive during all mental health crises. The spouse cheated after 60 years of marriage, leaving the patient homeless and heartbroken.”

—-Hownowbrowncow

19. Totally vacant staring eyes, jaw hanging down with a continuous thread of dribble rolling off his bottom lip.

“Brain damage can be absolutely horrific. Broken humans that don’t work anymore and nobody knows what to do with them.

There was one guy who had brain damage from infant meningitis. The guy is about 40-50 years old now, but he’s exactly like what you might imagine a lobotomized person to look like. Totally vacant staring eyes, jaw hanging down with a continuous thread of dribble rolling off his bottom lip. Arms hanging down by his sides. And all he does is pace up and down whatever room his is in, all day and all night, until he collapses asleep after about 4-5 days sleeps 12 hours, wakes up and resumes pacing.

He wears an adult nappy/diaper because he is totally incontinent, and changing it is remarkably difficult because he won’t stop pacing even while people are trying to clean him up. He cannot eat by himself, he cannot do anything by himself, the only verbal noise/speech he produces is a loud ‘GU-GU-GU-GU-GU-GU-GU-GU’ like a propeller engine starting up.

There’s nothing there in his mind, at all. He’s a husk. He never smiles, never frowns, give no indication of any aspiration or want. That has been his entire life. He has no purpose, has required 24 hour care his entire life, and I don’t think there’s a single person who has ever worked with him that wouldn’t have gladly taken him outside and shot him in the head if they were allowed to.

Anybody opposed to euthanasia hasn’t seen real brain damage. Anyone who can’t understand why doctors give up trying to resuscitate after a certain point where irreversible brain damage has occurred have not seen real brain damage. Anyone upset about the doctors ending Charlie Gard’s life haven’t seen real brain damage. They should transport the guy I described between hospitals to show family members what the doctors are talking about when they say that a person should be allowed to die.”

—Bestfriendwatermelon

20. She ate Styrofoam cups, plastic cutlery, plates…etc.

“I did A mental health co-op in high school. I would have to say a tie exists between the two most troubling patients that I encountered while doing my co-op. One was a guy who had Korsakoff syndrome. this guy was completely delusional and dissociated from time and location; he thought at times he was at a bowling alley and at other times he thought he had just gone shopping for shoes. They had to tie him into his chair because he could sometimes become violent. a small percentage of alcoholics get Korsakoff’s. Most of them die before it sets in, but about 2% of all alcoholics will get this disorder.

The other patient was someone with severe brain damage who had to be kept locked naked in a padded cell with access to nothing she could put in her mouth because she would continually try to eat anything. She ate Styrofoam cups, plastic cutlery, plates…etc.

One full moon, and anyone who’s ever worked in a psychiatric facility knows what I’m talking about with full moons, she decided to pluck one of her eyes out with a plastic spoon she palmed from a tray on the way to the bathroom, despite her restraints and that two PRN attendants wheeled her down.

edit: forgot to mention—they found the eyeball in her stomach.”

—AtheistComic

21. He would mutilate his genitals for sexual pleasure.

“Was a nursing student at the time, and I have been a nurse for years now and this is still by far the most ‘troubled’ patient I have worked with. I was going through my weekly rotation in the psych ward when my instructor assigned me one of the few males that were admitted (I am a male so I often got the male patients). Turned out that this is still, to this day I believe, the only psych patient that have ever been flown in to our facility. He would mutilate himself for sexual pleasure. Of course, it wasn’t the cutting his arm or legs kind of mutilation. He would have to mutilate his genitals for sexual pleasure. The kicker is, this isn’t the first time he has been hospitalized for this. He lost one testicle in the 90s, attempted to cut off the other about ten years ago, and this time he tried taking the whole thing off.

When I asked him why he did it all he gave me the most sane and logical responses. He said he knows it is wrong, he knows he might be one of the only people in the world that has this issue and he realizes that taking away his genitals prevents him from forming lasting relationships. He said that since he is so isolated and there is no other way for him to get sexual gratification, he has to mutilate himself. I honestly felt horrible for him because he said he has been struggling with this since he was a kid. As far as I could tell, he was 100% normal except for the whole mutilation thing.”

—bugy67

22. Had a client shove a metal jagged end of a broomstick that he snapped in half right into his abdomen then start screaming and digging into it with his fingers.

“I worked for a number of years a residential facility, ages 6-106 and have seen it all. Most clients were diagnosed Autism, so you saw the typical self-injury and harmful to others. Most older clients had a mild to moderate disability that today you would just accept as ‘slow,’ but since they had been there for so long, the facility was their home and they didn’t want to go elsewhere. (It’s also really nice, I might add).

BUT…I saw some shit.

Had a client shove a metal jagged end of a broomstick that he snapped in half right into his abdomen then start screaming and digging into it with his fingers.

Had a child, maybe 8 years, who could’ve modeled on the front of a GAP catalog. He could be the nicest, quietest kid, or he could try and cut you with whatever was nearby and tell you that he was there because he cut his family’s dogs paws off. It was in his file. And that was not the only animal.

Another kid, completed his whole program and set to go home. We were all thrilled… he came back the following week because he stripped naked in school and threw a desk at his classmate.

Another child, maybe 6, severely burned by a family member with a blowtorch.

Had a teenage client commit suicide in a horrific manner.

Had an adult client go outside with a bat and smash a co-workers new BMW. I was actually thrilled to see that happen.

Maybe the most troubled were some of the staff, rather than the clients. You had staff who had been there for decades and truly cared about the clients. Then, you had new hires that wouldn’t last more than a year, and although I never saw anything physically abusive, I definitely had to report staff being verbally abusive to clients.”

—alohafrompenisland

23. A severe schizophrenic who was usually quiet because he spent 99% of his time being haunted by images of dead people he knew and trying to manage that.

“Guy from what appeared to be a severely repressive rural background who would randomly yell out confessions about his emotions and urges related to pedophilia/bestiality/homosexuality/incest. Would also say ‘Jesus loves you’ whenever you saw him and always had a Bible.

Guy who was usually very sweet, but couldn’t handle stress and would have episodes where he would run and smash his forehead against doors/windows until he literally had goose-eggs you could put golf balls into.

People so paranoid that you could leave a salt-shaker on a table near their room and they would think it was an assassination attempt/conspiracy to defeat them with psychological warfare.

Someone who would spend almost all their time walking in circles screaming at imaginary people. One time I heard him yell: ‘Fire every missile! Blow up the sky! Blow up the sky!’

A middle-aged man who literally had an emotional age of 6 who spent almost all his time annoying staff, throwing literal tantrums, or manipulating people to cause fights.

A severe schizophrenic who was usually quiet because he spent 99% of his time being haunted by images of dead people he knew and trying to manage that.”

—thegreencomic

24. Every now and then she would get up from the computer and start taking all of her clothes off or smearing her lipstick on her face.

“I was a psych worker at a day program for adolescent outpatients. The city I lived in had a massive shortage of beds in psych units, so we ended up getting a whole lot of kids who really belonged in inpatient care. A couple of the most memorable ones:

One girl was convinced that YouTube was a secret way for the government to communicate with her, and only her. She would open up random videos and start conversing or arguing with them, because she thought she was looking at a live video chat with a government agent. She would scream at other kids if she saw them watching YouTube videos, because she thought it was just for her. Every now and then she would get up from the computer and start taking all of her clothes off or smearing her lipstick on her face. One of those cases that sounds funny on paper, but is absolutely gut-wrenching to watch.

We had a kid who had pretty much been raised in a series of hotel rooms from a young age, because he was so violent that he burned his bridges with every group home, residential placement and appropriate foster home in the city. The final straw came when he was about 8 or 9; out of nowhere, he tried to gouge his foster father’s eyes out while he was driving at highway speeds. After that, they kept him in hotel rooms with a rotating cast of social workers and youth workers to provide 1-to-1 supervision. He was messed up before, but that kind of childhood pretty much did him in.

We had one girl who was trying to manage her depression/anxiety and be a better parent to her 2-year-old. Typical stuff. She’d been with us for a couple of months when out of nowhere, she comes in completely hysterical, screaming that her daughter was found murdered that morning. We freaked out and called up her caseworker, only to find out that there was no kid. Never had been. She’d talked about this kid for months, in great detail, and we’d never thought to report it to her caseworker because we had no reason to doubt she was telling the truth. Next day she came in vacant and dead-pan, and nonchalantly told us that her (fictional, and now dead) kid had been hit by a bus in front her of that morning. Back to the hospital she went.

We had a kid with a double-whammy of fetal alcohol issues and brain damage from a childhood hit-and-run. He lost his ability to ‘hear’ thoughts in his own head, and had absolutely zero impulse control. I don’t mean ‘couldn’t help himself from eating a second cookie.’—I mean zero. Whatever thoughts came into his mind came out of his mouth in real-time. If he saw something he wanted to put in his mouth, it went into his mouth. He once ate all the staples out of a stapler before staff noticed what he was doing. He would pull drinks out of the fridge and dump them over his own head, bash himself in the face with sporting equipment and just drop his pants and pee whenever he felt like it. He had an IQ in the normal range, just a unique form of brain damage. We had to have 2 staff on him at all times, just to keep him from traumatizing the other kids.

I also think it’s worth noting that before I went to work with brain-damaged patients, my boyfriend rode a motorcycle. After I started coming home with work stories, he gave it up. Seriously, people, brain damage is no joke—wear your helmets, fasten your seatbelts, and for the love of God, don’t drive drunk.”

—xaviira

25. He threatened to kill me if I made eye contact with him. He said his (deceased) father was going to help him.

“A young man with a history of poorly managed schizophrenia who also had chronic meth-induced psychosis, or what I heard someone call ‘Methiphrenia.’

Within 10 seconds of meeting me, he had called me (or whoever he thought he was talking to) a bitch, a cunt, a whore, and a slut. He threatened to kill me if I made eye contact with him. He said his (deceased) father was going to help him.

He had done so much damage with his years of meth use, on top of his poorly controlled schizophrenia, that he was incapable of any sort of meaningful interaction with another human being. He couldn’t comprehend a single subject or idea for more than a couple seconds, and it was like he lived in this chaotic world that none of us had access to. He could become physically aggressive at the drop of a hat for no perceived reason, or he could sit in a corner, crying and yelling that he was a good boy and he didn’t need any of ‘this.’ Even the most seasoned staff members wouldn’t enter a room alone with him. He was a court-appointed commitment, as he was far too dangerous to walk the streets and too far gone to take part in any sort of rehab or social program. He was in his early 30s, and it’s likely he’ll be in institutions for the rest of his life, partly because of years of bad decisions, and partly because of the hand he was dealt.

There was this story that I read a long time ago, about a whale that lived in the ocean somewhere, who was born with an inability to make sounds at the frequency that any other whale could understand. This whale just swam around, calling out to others in a way that no one could understand or respond to, alone forever. I always thought of that whale when I worked with this patient, it preserved my patience and empathy for him when he was displaying more negative or aggressive behaviors. That was seriously what it seemed his life was like. He could speak, but nothing made sense, he could hear you, but he wouldn’t respond in any meaningful way. It gives me hope that even after death threats and shows of force, as far gone as he seemed, there were still so many people still trying to help him and find a way to communicate with him. Staff in psych wards/institutions get a bad rap, but honestly, they wouldn’t put up with the kind of stuff they have to for the amount that they get paid if they didn’t feel a calling to be there. And none of them had given up on him. Hopefully someday they’ll find a way to break through, or bring him out.”

—Eshlau

1. TAURUS

Good Lord, girl, you were born with a superiority complex that reaches up into the clouds—your opinion of yourself is so high, it’s a wonder you’re able to breathe! The reason you’re called the bull is because you’re always ready to bully others into submission. You build yourself up by tearing others down. You can’t empathize. It’s like talking to a brick wall. It would never occur to you that you’re supposed to return everyone’s kindness with kind acts of your own. You’re about a half-inch deep. Very shallow and superficial. In your mind, the only possible thing greater than you would be two of you.

2. LEO

Your favorite thing in the world is a mirror. You’re so full of yourself, you’re practically bursting at the seams. And the minute someone else is no longer useful to you, you spit them out like a watermelon seed. You never stop badmouthing your exes while you’re working your deadly charms on a new victim. You love-bomb your prey and then freeze up the minute you’ve captured them. Once you have their attention, you no longer desire it. Your pleasure trumps everyone else’s feelings every time. BAD girl!

3. CAPRICORN

Not only do you seek to rule the world, you think you deserve to do so. To you, the only outrage is that the world hasn’t already surrendered to your superior wisdom and charm. If people only realized how great you are, you wouldn’t have to be so narcissistic. To compensate for their cruel lack of recognition, you spend your life climbing from one superficiality to the next. If you feel you’ve been wronged or even a little bit underappreciated, you bleed resentment from every pore and carefully plot revenge against whoever was foolish enough to bruise your ego. There’s a reason your tarot card is the Devil.

4. SCORPIO

You think quite highly of yourself, don’tcha? You’re glad to step on whoever is foolish enough to block your path. If it lights your fire, you don’t care who gets burned. And when someone crosses you, they will learn to regret it. That’s when you arch your back and start waving your stinger around. I’d tell you there’s no reason to act so intense, but that’d be like trying to teach a scorpion to act like a kitten.

5. AQUARIUS

You don’t think you’re selfish—you call it “being assertive,” and you don’t care how much of a pain in the ass you are when you’re “asserting” yourself. But you’re not as “independent” as you think, since you depend so heavily on the praise and admiration of others. Protip—learn the difference between assertiveness and bitchiness. Quit letting it all hang out and start tucking it back in—please! The only upside is that sometimes you can be generous, but only to ease your guilty conscience for being such a self-centered bitch.

6. VIRGO

Your ego is as inflated as one of those giant balloons in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. The problem isn’t that you think too highly of yourself—OK, well, yes it is, a little bit. You’re so uptight, I would swear you walk around with your thumb stuck up your ass half the time. You’re worried that everyone’s always talking about you—why would they have to? You’re doing it all the time yourself! You need to learn to laugh at yourself, because everyone else is already laughing at you—and I mean that with love, I swear! Lighten up! We all have flaws!

7. ARIES

You can be rude, stubborn, inconsiderate, and even a little ruthless, but I’m not sure that makes you a narcissist. You need to show compassion and be willing to help others to prove you’re not totally stuck on yourself. Sometimes you’re sweet and generous—I’ll give you that much. By the way, I’ve had a bad week—can you loan me $40?

8. SAGITTARIUS

You’re the center of your own little universe, which is why you don’t really need to be the center of attention or the life of the party. Mostly, negative comments roll right off your back. You only get hurt—and then vengeful—if the insults come from someone you admire. Your ego isn’t so fragile that you’d be upset if someone you don’t like winds up disliking you, too. You’re wise enough to realized that humility looks better than pride, so you’re proud enough to pretend to be humble—because that’s the way you get what you want, you sneaky little narcissist.

9. CANCER

You are one needy little squirrel. Codependent and submissive by nature, you’re a bit too clingy to be a narcissist. You’re not nearly self-confident or arrogant enough to be classified as a narcissist. You’d rather hook up with a narcissist than to be one. And yes, for better or worse, you’re able to be kind and compassionate—sometimes to a fault. You might be better off being a little more narcissistic. Or at least try being self-centered every once in a while? It might do you some good!

10. GEMINI

You don’t seek to manipulate people so much as you seek to avoid them.
And it isn’t that you’re not a narcissist, it’s that you’re unintelligent at being one. If you were actually a self-centered narcissist, you’d make better decisions in life. This is why you’re so low on this list—it’s not that you aren’t self-centered, it’s that you don’t know how to get what you want. True narcissists aren’t this self-destructive.

11. LIBRA

You nave no need for an inflated ego, but then again you have no reason to have one, either. You don’t think you’re that great, and everyone else generally agrees with you. It’s not even that you’re humble so much as you are negative. Sometimes you even underestimate yourself. Actually, it wouldn’t hurt for you to think a little bit more highly of yourself.

12. PISCES

You are too considerate and conscientious and selfless and giving to be a narcissist. You are a follower, not a leader. The one who gives compliments rather than seeks them. The giver, not the taker. At times, you seem to only exist to make all the world’s narcissists feel better about themselves. You are more likely to get stomped on than to do the stomping, you poor little delicate flower. I think it’s time for the humble little fish to morph into a great white shark.

Nothing makes me happy besides money.

“Having money and buying stuff with my own money is the only thing that makes me happy. Not people, not relationships, not my achievements.”

—indigo-wolf

I haven’t felt anything in years.

“I’m twenty-eight and haven’t felt anything in years. I make all the right faces at the right times but I honestly can’t remember the last emotion I felt.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m a sociopath, and it’s an idle sort of wonder. I literally couldn’t care less either way.”

—Judean_peoplesfront

There are days that I wake up and I feel like I’m not a real person.

“There are days that I wake up and I feel like I’m not a real person. You know that feeling you get when you’re at a wedding or a party and you have your drink in hand and you’re passing and you’re blending in and everything is cool but there’s this strange melancholy in the back of your head because you feel detached from everything around you? That feeling when you’re throwing rice at a wedding as the newlyweds drive away and you feel happy for them and it’s fine but it’s like…not happening?”

—ArchiveSQ